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Long complex dream where I was traveling and was a spy to keep tabs on someone on the trip with us. Horrible moments realizing he was covered in blood or had some weird plague. There was scuba diving. I can't remember what was scary other than fearing to be discovered as the spy. Woke up, calmed down with tea on the couch.

When I went back to sleep I was back in the dream, but in an airport buying a new outfit to tide me over as my baggage was gone. I returned to the vacation place and found that we had forgotten all sorts of things. Piles of clothes, gadgets, food, medicine, and an entire half-packed suitcase on wheels. The spy target guy (still sometimes accidentally revealing his bloody wounds) was suspicious of my return. I chattered about things to distract him while I re-packed my baggage.

I remember one moment finding a pile of different pain meds and thinking they weren't mine but they were strong and powerful. Maybe I would take them. I then decided not to take them, thinking that, hey, if I wanted these I could ask my doc. I pictured my very kind doctor saying, "But, you could have just asked me and told me your pain was worse and you needed them, like we talked about" and so I did not take the boxes of pills and injectible painkillers. (Also picturing what it is like to be arrested in the airport.)

There was another moment in this seaside hotel where I took a walk outside, and made it my goal to go down a dark pathway by the beach, until I got to the street some way off up a little hill. It seemed impossible. But my ankles did it and I felt strong. I couldn't believe I had made it all the way to the street. Amazing! How did my ankles get so strong? I was glad it was dark. What if someone saw me walk it and then accosted me over why I wasn't walking like that all the time?

Brought to you by the Ministry of Obvious Dreams.
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Talked last night about everything with zond7 and felt much better. I felt a bit hallucinatory from relief appreciating the normalcy of everything and the fact that my life is nice and under my own control. But then flashes of this other feeling would come into my head very intensely like absolute shame and despair and horror and I would for a few seconds feel like i wish I didn't exist. That is a very unusual feeling for me and I have perspective on it. This morning I feel a bit wrung-out. I took a full ativan last night and slept very well.

Onward to work and then the bus and PT. I may cry during PT. Pain levels still high and I feel emotionally raw.

I don't like the idea feeling as I do right now that I have to be practically naked in a group of people. Or even go be on the bus on my scooter. But there it is, it's a swimming pool and it's across town. Armor up!
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Good: Clockwork Dagger. Fluffy, steampunk, fantasy of manners, special healer orphan girl rides giant blimp and is MAGIC and can feel the soul of the tree goddess. There is an interesting roommate, a handsome, somewhat brooding man, and a cute animal friend. Passes Bechdel test.

So-so: His Fair Assassin. Has actual history (medieval-ish France/Brittany) plus magic old gods. Orphan teenage magical assassin nuns, who are friends, go out into the big world, getting more involved in politics than they had planned to other than assassinating people. I enjoyed this but it also drove me up the wall.

The Girl With All The Gifts: Excellent! Traumatizing! Awesome! Zombies but not like the usual zombies?

Cranford: re-read, such a good book.

Gaslight Dogs: couldn't get through it, should give it another try.

The Journalist and the Murderer: GREAT book. read if you like analysis of writer-subject relationships.

Five Days at Memorial: Good book about the bad stuff happening at a hospital during Katrina. I was following the blog of one of the nurses at the time.

The Grace of Kings: good mil-fantasy. World building. Do we have a special name for that? MilF is kind of taken.

Entire series of Mrs. Darcy books by Carrie Bebris: Read them all like circus peanuts, kind of awful but enjoyable somehow.
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My entire back seized up yesterday, neck and right arm have been a bit off since the snorkeling (same thing that happens every time I'm at a party and try to look up at people for conversation, or at movies). Lo, I went to a bar and talked to people (though was smart enough to mostly limit conversation to other sitting down people) and then to a movie and I am hosed. I finally took muscle relaxants and danny massaged me a bit and I laid flat on back with no pillow for a while. Still bad but nothing like yesterday. Little things in my spine are popping. Cannot look up or to the right or reach up with my arm. I can still hold and book and (obviously) type.

May not last entire day sitting up and I plan not to go out.
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I went out to go to therapy and meet an acquaintance from out of town who called me up. It was so hot I left the house in a tank top and thin tshirt, no long underwear, holey jeans, and ended up taking off my socks in the cafe. (Do not worry. My feet are odorless and look very nice. I was surely not grossing out my fellow cafe-workers. ) It was so nice to just bake in the sun and heat. I wish it were like that every day.

This cafe has a cozy spot by a sort of bay window with two comfortable large wicker chairs and two small tables. It's quiet but people come in and chat all the time with each other and the baristas. I got a lot of work done there and tipped high to make up some extra cafe rent.

It turned out NOT to be therapy day - it was Friday instead. OK! Back to the cafe.

My friend was stuck in traffic but then zond7 texted to say he was going home from work to pick up his apple watch, which had just gotten there (the magic of the package tracking stuff that apple watch fans had set up, I guess). He came to meet me at the cafe. I believe we may have compared our Cat Collections and worked a bit longer... then off to the bar.

A few worries about my pain level. I have been taking at least 3 half-tramadols over each day this week. A whole one sometimes. And, plain tylenol, once or twice a day. At night, or when I had horrible (period) cramps and my neck being stiff and my feet actually spasming, adding in some skelaxin (muscle relaxer). There is pain in a new place, the sacroiliac/sciatica type of electric shock or buzz, but going to a place it has never appeared before which I suppose (hide your eyes) is my pudendal nerve. NOT GOOD. It's ... like being zapped in the inside pelvic bones. This has died down mostly. Why are there always new places for more pain hijinks? Anyway in this state, going out to an inaccessible bar sounded stupid, and yet I really wanted to.

The bar was nice but no big deal. I talked with zond7's work people and some random other people and maybe some 18f people. Funny convo with insunlight about her trolling guys at defcon or maybe CCC. I had two drinks and did not feel any ulcer pain, but was pleasantly tipsy. It continued to be very warm! Our friend from china was there and demoed his headphone gadget. I had a good conversation with him about open source hardware and scooters and wheelchairs and all my ideas (from like 2008 but hey, I still think about it and the different ways I could start a company to do it) He nicely said he would hook me up with manufacturing and distribution people if I ever jump into that. I can dream!!! But, would need someone to do the traveling part for me. He was so nice, and I was touched that he thought of me to be in touch after all this time since "early blogging" days. His gadget is excellent.

Zond7 and I went home by like, 9. (Huzzah!)

He then played his ukelele chord progressions. I got out the keyboard and tried to play along and improvise a little or at least echo his chords. Not too hard and a lot of fun. It was nice to share our tiny bits of knowledge about music theory. We watched a sort of guitar or keyboard-hero version of the doctor who theme on youtube. It struck me suddenly that that form of musical notation is exactly like a music box or player piano program.

My hands on the keyboard are very halting but some things are ingrained. I thought of the book I like, Ways of the Hand, and its soothing descriptions of knowing where your hands are in motion in relation to the keys.

Pain level is still not down to "normal" whatever that is, but some baseline, and yet I am functioning pretty well. Work is good and interesting.
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This morning as many other mornings. 4 or 5am. I am in so much pain I don't want to move. Then I'm in so much pain I have to move. (repeat several dozen times) Perhaps if I get my neck in just the right position. No maybe some other position. Maybe with the blanket between my ankles and lying on my side. Read a bit. Cat is meowing. Smear some voltaren on my neck and ankles. And wrists and fingers. And knees. Get up and use the bathroom and drink some water and have a plain tylenol. Attempt to placate cat. (Unsuccessful) Fall back asleep. Dream about pain and waking up and go through entire thrashing-around and trying to meditate cycle. Read on kindle, doze off, read, doze.

Wake up and fidget some more. Toe-wiggling and experimental ankle flexes. Feeling that I can't stand the pain in neck and shoulder. I get up and take half a tramadol and a skelaxin (for neck and left foot spasms) and have some decaf tea on the couch and read. Thinking back on times when i had trouble even holding a book. Will it be like that? Is this going to be a day in bed? Have I screwed myself up? Am I going to cry? Will zond7 be mad at me for fucking myself up? Will Moomin be disappointed and find me a very boring person? Why is my neck so stiff from the extremely gentle swimming around, or the plane? Is it part of ankylosing spondilitis? Did I get some sort of disease on vacation? Am I going to miss work? I finally fall asleep for real.

10am. Coffee. More of my book (Journalist and the Murderer, which is excellent.) Feeling cautiously human. I am up. Feel that I can't stand smell of the house. Wash dishes. Sit on couch & sort through unpacking bags. Deep breath! I should not have coffee, not good for me, but it is so nice.

Moomin tells me his opinion of the Three Musketeers (ridiculous thugs, why does everyone think it is so jolly that they go around killing people? everyone in book is an asshole. He keeps laughing in outrage. There is a graphic novel of the book where they don't sound like such jerks. Weird! I agree with him. We make fun of soldiers, chivalry, people with swords, and people who think it's a fun idea to burn down someone's inn just for kicks.)

Moomin has done the laundry. zond7 still asleep (evidence of him having his own late night insomnia is around). I am lying down to rest feeling sore all over but encouraged that I had enough energy to walk around the house and be productive.

Feeling mad urge to try to blog about our entire trip. Too many thoughts! It was all lovely!

But I steadily took painkillers to be able to be active, thus, my suffering now.

Stance has got to be: take the painkillers now, don't go off them, but don't be overactive, either. Activity like cooking or dishwashing or tidying or watering plants, sit on front and back porch, don't try to go out for several more days. Naps crucial.

Goals for this week: get through work days at least to 3pm, get to PT on Wednesday to swim, eat nicely but frugally (no take-out), keep house tidy, be well enough to go to the movies with the kids and zond7 next Saturday. Sub goal of taking very minimal drugs by end of week (ie half a tramadol zero, once, or twice a day).

Must remember to put cat-proofed water and plain tylenol and a tramadol by the bed tonight so I don't go through that horrible cycle of nightmare feeling pain.
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Such a nice day today. I had meetings all morning from 8am onwards, then went to therapy, bus broke down on the way there and the guy was worried about letting me off into the street, but not a jerk about it. I got off and went to the next stop and all was well on the next bus. Listened to one of the mixes I made recently & played Ingress & looked out the window. So warm in a nice way - a little on the hot side but that feels good to me! I should start wearing sunscreen.

After my appointment I went to look for a replacement scarf for my lost wooly pashmina. The woman running the store and I discussed our strange desires to have every scarf. My new pashmina is silk and cashmere and is a dark rich shiny brown with faint black patterns. Super ideal. I feel like a little brown bird. (In a giant blanket thing, with purple trimmings). Then beetled off to the J, to downtown uneventfully, switched to the N, went up to the roof at work. I sat in the sun overlooking the bay & devoured a stroopwaffel and some of those toasted coconut flakes, dealt with some bugmail, then hung out with support and user advoc. people who were having a beer. Unsurprisingly, support/UA team is NICE.

I tried channeling Lukas a bit by hosting an event at work. the nicest meetup. In retrospect, really, I knew this but just figured I could get away with it, I should have lined up another person to help me host. And, I should have specially invited the facilities people to come and attend so they could see some accessibility barrier negotiation in action. (But really they can just come see me be unable to open the heavy door, any time. ) Around 40-50 people showed up and I met lots of nice people.

After many years of volunteer thingies and doing a lot of work it was nice to just go, Oh, an event shall happen, and magic catering people and an A/V magician show up and do many of the things. The only thing I did was zoom around opening the 2 different doors at the entryways and greeting people. Which was fun except for the door being hard to manage. it was not unpleasant to briefly wield some resources and be a nice host without having to do all the actual physical labor.

I thought how I used to go out and do something like this every week sometimes more than once a week. Increasingly by taking more painkillers. Oh! so exhausting! I just can't do it!

But, it was nice for tonight. also, the food was good. i was just inhaling it. (I wonder if all the asthma meds make me hungrier?? food seems especially satisfying this week) Nice cheese, dried figs, giant slabs of very dense crystalized honey.... those mushroom truffle tarts... wtf, nice.

i am now planning to put in a workplace service request (like facilities) for working with lighthouse to do a tactile map of surrounding area and the building first floor interior. I wonder if this is something that is useful beyond just particular occasion (must ask them -- also, did they keep the julia morgan ballroom one, and did the JM ballroom people know it existed? I should follow up) So, do they keep such things and then print them for people ? Can't believe I never followed up on that....

I am so excited about vacation and our trip. I cannot wait to pack. I'm going to loaf on the beach like nobody's business.
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I had a decent swim today at PT. My ankles did not feel strong but I could do all the things. I had a nice 10 minutes of lying in the sun beforehand on a park bench and nearly fell asleep. On the way there past the zoo I stopped to watch two brown bears playing in their pool. Today's class was 4 dudes, one of the ditzier ladies, and a nice woman who talked about her marriage and her new (old) Impala and going to casinos. She is a bus driver. Sadly she thought I was in my early 20s. Right..... No! There was a guy there with a new back injury who was very tense and upset. I felt for him. He was wishing that he could just be in the water all the time since then he would be "walking like a normal person again". I did not break it to him that he was still wincing and limping and looking kind of fucked up in the water. I hung out more with the guy with the prison tattoos who is pretty nice, and the Impala lady, who told us all about the beached whale in Pacifica and the last 4 or 5 times there has been a beached whale in the area.

Asthma still nasty. I think that there is nearby road construction and that is what's doing it. Pulse oximeter thing going from 95-98. Inhalers rule. Even if they make you get the shakes.

I am well into this not very good series of fake Jane Austen novels where Elizabeth and Darcy go to all the different settings for Austen's other novels. The writing style and things that happen are not at all right. But they are not super super awful enough that I've stopped reading them, either. Everything else on my Kindle (and it is full of stuff) is sort of serious or dense. Need trashy reading!

Hugo mess continues, very annoying. I read a short story that was withdrawn from the awards. It wasn't very good. Nothing to barf about, it was just boring and as if it were churned out to make $25 or fill up magazine pages 40 or 50 years ago and it would not have done anything new then either. I then thought of all the novels that are basically that same story but stretched out to make more pages, and just as boring. How can people be so dull?!

I also read a pleasingly cranky review of Silver on the Tree, a book that has always annoyed me.

A. wore lip gloss to school today for "twin day" along with black tshirts with horses on them with 3 of her friends. Oddly... she just got home and she is wheezing.


Apr. 15th, 2015 08:09 am
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Nightmares about pain. That was weird. My hands do hurt but not like in the dream.

mix tapes

Apr. 3rd, 2015 01:05 pm
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I made 2 playlists (one done, one still under construction)

I was thinking that I miss creating the physical objects: decorated, handwritten or printed cassette tape cases or cd sleeves. Making art as a computer image, well I have no practice at that and it also just doesn't seem like any fun. Hmmmmm. Also, I am making this in spotify so it would be a lot of effort to get all these songs in a format burnable on a cd. it would be nice if spotify had an "upload image" option for playlists!

Anyway, as I voyaged about looking for things for this (very poppy) mix, I discovered that I really like the group Vampire Weekend. passion pit is also good (less interesting rhythmically, but has a dreamy 80s new wave thing going on) I also enjoyed listenning to some Mac Miller.

I have consistent taste in liking songs that open quickly, vary their rhythmical structure, and while this is optional i like a lot of brass.... lyrics need not be perfectly applicable to the mood but it's nice if there is a good line or two. I ended up rejecting some songs because the lyrics turned out to be unexpectedly horrible once I read them.

I don't know what current music styles are even called. For a while I did go down a rat hole called "new american weird". I would like to figure out what the pop music with weird electronic noises in it, that isn't dubstep, might be called, if anything. Or if not electronic noises, something like, very bendy sounds and being slightly out of tune on purpose. (as in the song While I'm Alive by STRFKR) I would also like more like Tkay Maidza.

Music recs welcome!!

What are you listening to or exploring that is new to you?
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Can you think of examples of revenge porn that are pre-1996 or so? Pre-web? I feel like there must have been stuff like this on usenet or bbses. I can't think what it would have even been *called*, since revenge porn was a term I never heard till later. Simply "blackmail".... Or seen as an internet prank, with a frat-like tolerance of "uploading nudie pics of your ex girlfriend".
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Moomin is singing along to Janelle Monae songs and all is peaceful. <3
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I had like 3 nice days and now am weirdly ill again. Bah!!!!!

Reflux or something. allergies. i slept most of today. I keep just falling asleep. Can't walk around without coughing painfully. eating hurts. why! I hate this. It was nice out... at least I fell asleep in the sun a lot. its like i suddenly have painful bronchitis from ... stomach acid? not for the first time. Am taking Dexilant (which i've been on daily for like, a year) and drinking carafate to help with the pain. it barely helps.
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I had forgotten this but my mom reminded me. During our trip to the Dude Ranch over 10 years ago (Moomin was maybe 3 or 4?) There was a scene where a little girl younger than Moomin had accidentally locked herself into the bathroom, sort of an outhouse dealy in between the different cabins. The little kid was screaming, and people were all crowded around freaking out and trying to tell her what to do, and suggesting different things like calling the fire department and I walked up to this scene, took out my leatherman which I was wearing on my belt, and unscrewed the hinges off the door without really consulting anyone. As I recall I muttered something in the way of informing them what was going to happen. Problem solved. My mom says it was pretty hilarious. I think now I find it more amusing than I did then. Like then I would have just felt momentarily smug at getting to use my leatherman, like, perfect opportunity. Now I see a little more how odd or maybe alien that must have looked to everyone else and it must have made them feel slightly silly. I probably didn't do the human interaction part correctly at all or defer in the proper gendered way to whatever Dudes were taking charge of what was to be done. Not making any big deal out of that just doing it swiftly before anyone could object. So, I am now extra smug. Maybe I was then too and have just forgotten it. It is nice that my mom liked it and considered it characteristic but it also felt a little like she considered it characteristic of my being able to shoot lasers out of my eyeballs unexpectedly when I was a baby.
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I am in the trippier bits of Crown of Stars book 4.

One protagonist is going through a fabulous feminist hero-journey ascending through the seven celestial spheres while taking off all her clothes, processing her trauma, and finding out some more of the Real Truth about alternate Charlemagne's descendants.

The other protagonist has been thrown back in time through standing stone gateways instead of dying, to something like 2000 BC or cave-people time and is having mega adventures saving the world from the alternate history Aztec elf aliens, encountering dwarves, merfolk, centaurs, sphinxes, phoenixes, and accidentally getting the snakebite universal translator superpower. He manages to keep his faithful hounds, Rage and Sorrow, alive through it all.

They keep accidentally having visions of each other and imparting new revelations and reinterpreting everything. Meanwhile Zond7 has just been texting me from taiwan where he is pausing on the way to Manila and I want to send him lapis lazuli rings, phoenix feathers, strange mystical fire, planetary daimones, cave paintings, and the underground marketplace where the dwarven beings hang out with their earth elevator train cars and rivers to trade with the freshwater river merfolk.

Instead I am complaining about having a cold and he is texting me photos of his breakfast and a hello kitty store.

Pretty much the same thing....

I made it through the morning at work, barely and then fell asleep for a while in the sun. taking the rest of the day off to blow my nose and nap some more.
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I felt like I was getting a cold last night, woke up feeling more sure, but was able to work anyway and have my meetings. I then went and took the bus to the pool for my Wednesday PT. Glad I went.

I feel invigorated when I do it even when it can be a bit painful. I missed one week, and then last week was not able to keep up or do all the things and felt unstable in the water (was still walking with a cane, not always able to put my weight on my right leg) Today I felt very bounced back, and back to my baseline from a month ago. I still can't bend all the way over or bring my knees up both at once and am cautious about bringing up my right knee. But, this is awesome.

Differences from 4 months ago pool and now:
* I can stand in the pool with my feet pointing "up" towards the shallow end
* I can walk back and forth the whole time with only some pauses for muscle spasms
* 30+ kickboard presses (pushing it downward, or back and forth in the water) instead of around 5
* 30 or more squats and do them in shallower water, from maybe 5

From the daily home PT exercises, I notice that my stomach is way stronger. With the lower abdominal exercises, I started out not even able to tell where the muscles were, or if I was doing the exercise at all. Now I can feel them all tense up and can keep them solid for a long time through many reps.

Here are my exercises! Once or twice a day I do complete sets and during the day I do some extra if I think of it.

* lie on back, knee hold 10 seconds each, alternating, 3x
* ankle loading, sit, lean on knees, raise heels, lower very slowly. 10x
* standing hamstring stretch at wall. 10-15 seconds 2x each
* Theraband ankle push (Lying down or sitting)
* Sit to stand. Sit in a chair, slowly stand up with body straight and knees bent, like doing a squat, then sit again. For many years I got up by leaning on my arm sideways favoring my bad side.
* Squeeze a kickball between knees, lying down, do arm raises sideways while tensing transverse abdominus 10-30x
* butt squeeze (What it sounds like) 30x at least (hurts on right side, i have like no muscle there)
* clamshell leg thingies but lying on back using theraband around knees (I can't manage these sideways despite YEARS of doing them; 9 months in ankle boots killed it)
* ankle cross move with theraband (I mostly skip this, it fires off a world of pain)
* Bridges (Absolutely not, nope)

I need more knee-strengthening. My ankles still always hurt. LIke it hurts to move them around even non-weight bearing. Progress there is really slow.

This is the longest I have stuck with PT in a consistent way. Combination of my life being more structured/stable, good physical therapist luck (they are great), warm pool that I can get to, and the pain/insomnia behavioral therapist, who is also great, and having the money to do all this.
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I am reading book 3 in the Crown of Stsrs series and have started a wiki to keep track of things:

I love books where I have to take notes or re-read to really get wtf is going on. It is very satisfying. I don't think you *have* to but it's pleasurable to flip back to book 1 and see the connections and hints & how it all ties together.

Currently: mind blown as I realize parts of the family tree of both of Liath's parents. But only part. I don't have it figured out yet. Muahaha!

Spoilers below
Read more... )
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lots of people came over! i experimented with vegan pie. danny hid in the bedroom to sleep and not germ everyone up emerging only for pie. he is very sick with a cough and a 101 fever. He is a good sleeper. "trombone? what trombone?

lovely to see everyone. adina, jamey, heidi, frances, seth. zach couldn't make it. jamey brought 3 kids. claire came over and so did milo's friend thomas. milo and ada cleaned up and helpd make pie and arrange a space for hospitality.

I love my friends!

here is my recipe for vegan lemon meringue pie.

vegan Lemon Meringue Pie

This is a complicated recipe with multiple stages and you will get several bowls and pans dirty. It tasted like regular lemon meringue pie but was a little bit pudding-y because we didn't wait to chill it. It did not taste like coconut.

I combined several different recipes for this and added some things to taste (it was not sweet enough and the meringue was bland, I htink taste it and add more vanilla/lemon as you like. Bitters or grand marnier or some other liqueur might make the meringue more interesting. I would also try a flaxseed meringue which it looks like you can definitely brown on top. It might also work to sprinkle a little brown sugar across the top, then brown the top with a little dessert blowtorch.

1) Make a vegan pie crust. (Crisco is vegan) Bake the crust 15 min. and let it cool.

2) Make the filling and let it cool.

3) Make the meringue.

== Filling ==
3/4 c. lemon juice - About 12 lemons (maybe more)
1 1/4 c. sugar
1/2 c. corn starch
1/4 t. agar powder
1/4 t. salt
1 1/4 c. coconut milk (full fat)
1 c water
1 1/2 t. fine-grated lemon zest

Put all of this in a sauce pan. Heat it up on low while stirring intermittently. Then bring it to a full boil so that it foams up, while whisking it to keep it from getting lumpy or overflowing the pan. Boil and whisk it for about 4 minutes. Take off heat and let it cool. It should cool off for a couple of hours.

== Meringue topping ==

Make this in 2 stages.

=== Set the agar ===

1 1/3 t. agar powder
1/4 c. cold water

Mix the water and agar in a small saucepan. Stir it constantly over medium heat until it simmers. whisk vigorously as it simmers for 1 minute. Let it cool off. It will turn clear and set to a jelly.

=== Whip the meringue ===

1/2 c. powdered egg replacer
3/4 c. cold water
2/3 c. confectioners' sugar
1 T brown sugar maybe a bit more
1 T vanilla extract
1/2 t lemon juice

In a big deep bowl (metal or glass) beat the egg replacer and water till it is very fluffy. Then beat in the sugar, vanilla, and lemon. I beat this with an electric mixer on high for over 5 minutes. it never got as stiff as egg whites, but it mounded up and kept its shape pretty well.

Then, beat in the cool, jellied agar mixture. This will take a while. You want to completely break up the agar so the meringue is stiff and smooth with no lumps. You can get it to be firmer if you chill it, then beat it again.

== Construct the pie ==

Pour and spread the meringue over the pie. Make peaks on the top with a fork or a spoon. You can just eat it right away as we did but I think chilling the pie for at least an hour would give it more structural integrity.


Mar. 12th, 2015 04:34 pm
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yay I went out, and I got things for making pies this weekend.

The plan is for all pies to be vegan! I have specced it out for lemon meringue, pumpkin, and apple with raisins in it. I am considering soaking golden raisins in some sort of booze so that the apple pie will be extra fancy. meringue will be made with agar (which i got online) and whipped cream with coconut milk. Is this too much work ? I don't know but people who like baking things are coming over.

I don't know how hard pie crusts are to make with coconut oil but i have a granite counter and a marble rolling pin and am generally prideful of my pie crust abilities!

Ecstatic to go out, my back hurts and stuff, but it was SO NICE.

I also made a nest on the front porch so am lying out on 2 layers of patio furniture cushions. Not perfect but i'm enjoying being out here! i feel much calmer and connected to the world.


Mar. 9th, 2015 08:56 pm
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Ada came home and was very excited about her new witchy things from some sort of pagan store; a tiny very sturdy cauldron, incense, a purple and a black candle, and a book on rituals. Within 3 minutes I heard all about it and she was in the back yard dressed in her ancient egypt robe from halloween two years ago when she dressed up at hatshepsut, singing.

Extremely cheering!

I gave her a little sage bundle that I had on the bookshelf with my milagro of a leg and strange embroidered brooch that has a spine on it and my interesting fossils and eno's beadwork and my pin from NASA and my great grandma's praying hands ceramic thing.

I decided to read all the Crown of Stars books over the next couple of days since they are now out as ebooks. The first one is interesting. I like coming to these for the first time after having read her later work. (fyi one of the main characters lives through some heinous and prolonged violence and rape and abuse so it is not a super cheerful book)

Asked D. to bring home fruit, chocolate, flowers, and salad and he did so I have nice flowers in the kitchen and by my bed.

I hung up some laundry that was draped over the bookshelf so there was not much bending over and helped clean off the kitchen counter.

I am still intermittently crying with rage and feeling all the feelings and very tired of myself. Completely sucktastic, scary pain.

It's like something kicked me hard in the low back. Horrible dull ache. Stabby sharp pain unpredictably when I move my legs/hips/back.

Wondering maybe if this means I should go back on enbrel. Dr. appt. next Monday.

Tomorrow if I feel able to stand up long enough to do it and stand in the shower i will re-bleach and purple my hair.

I need more doing-stuff-as-a-group at work; in theory that should happen every day but in practice it's like twice a week. I can learn a lot on my own but not the talking through things judgement of other people, which is what i need to be sure I'm in sync/consensus. Gathering up questions. I didn't feel very on top of things today or like i did enough. Friday I did enough for several of me so hopefully it evens out.

The tshirt I'm wearing is one I got in I think 1988, in Ireland, at the Guinness factory. I wonder if I have tshirts that are even older. This one is easy to date.

Other people are still interesting and also, very nice.

I missed eno a lot today and wished i could send her pics of interesting lotions and bright yarn and fancy glass beads and men with enormous muscles and ridiculous fanfic. I felt waves of love for all my friends who talk with me online.

I think I am also frustrated from thinking i would be creative this weekend and I was not and did nothing but read and do paperwork at the desk. I felt too horrible. Everything needs to slow down even more. I know if things got worse i would be thinking, oh if only things were like they were (right now) so I better appreciate it whatever it is.

Trying not to beat myself up for having a low moment.

May 2015

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