badgerbag

halloa! i will be flying out to WisCon tomorrow, with Moomin! So excited.

our 3rd roommate will not be getting in till friday morning, so if you need a space to crash on Wed. or Thurs night, or need a spot to rest up during the day, just ask!

Yay yay yay I am very excited. But I have to keep thinking about work for another couple hours here. I worked late last night figuring that today my head would be full of packing and plans and it is VERY DISTRACTING. :)

Just realized this evening my sinuses really are going haywire. This maybe explains why I feel so generally rotten, and my head hurts, and I spent a day dizzy and sick. Maybe it's just that I actually am sick. Well, whatever.

Not a bad day. Though very long and I cried on the way home from the pain clinic. Before my appointment I went to the fabulous House of Paincakes (not really called that) and had a totally delicious hummus/falafel/tabouleh/dolmas plate with toasted pita bread. it is all very fresh and homemade and was 8 bucks for the lot. Yeah! Worked from the cafe, then oozed over to the Pain Rooms.

The waiting room smelled unbelievable like someone had just crop-dusted with farts, or a disco fog machine but with old armpits, farts, yawns, and gym sock mold. Really, what was wrong with that place! Along with the other people trapped there I delighted in a 2 year old who was being entertained by a nice lady with an iphone. Fish! Dora! Bubbles! Etc. Then they looked at a highlights magazine together while the father beamed proud & nervous that maybe the kid was going to start annoying the nice strange lady. Then a new lady came in and went "Huh! This place smells like MUSKY BALLS!" (2 year old: "Ball? Ball? Catch? Bounce? Ball? Bounce? Dora?) I could not believe I had just heard this out loud. Whose balls has this woman been smelling, anyway? Gross! Did she really say it? Was there something else she could have said that I mistook for "musky balls?" Should I ask her? Was I smirking? Hahahah! Holy wow!

The rest of the people left over the next few minutes for their appointments or as their partners came out of the PAIN ROOMS inside the super secure drugs-inside-here door. It was just me and Ms. Muskballer. She mentioned the weather. I agreed that it had been foggy and cold, but was getting nicer outside. We agreed the sun is awesome. She told me how she loves to go in her back yard and sunbathe. Me too!

"And I sprawl out. I don't care, maybe someone way up there (gestures towards imaginary 3rd floor window) can see me but I just don't care, I'm all in my altogether out there in the sunny morning now that I'm in Union City instead of Alameda where the fog would just get at me." "Oh, me too, morning fog, goes right into my bones." "So I sprawl out like THIS" (demonstration of Sun Worshiping Wide Open Beaver yoga pose, arms up)

Hahahha! No one can see me in the yard either except maybe from way up! So I just, you know, get a little sun in there too! (We both crack up as I mime coyly lifting up my shirt).

"Well I just love the sun. I go down to the Caribbean 3 times a year just to get my sun but now I get it in my own back yard. You know, it's close in here. "

"Yeah it's not very..."

"It smells like MUSKY BALLS in here. It's not right." This time I know I heard it! GLORY TO THE BALLS LADY. It is the best time I have ever had in a waiting room especially one that stinky. I went over to the door and wedged a trash can in it to get more air in. We then discussed how much sun was optimal on the skin and whether we used sun screen (only sometimes). Then the doctor came out.

The new resident or guy on rotation was very nice, though, he did the horrible rotating-outwards thign that hurts like fury to test me, and my blood pressure was unusually high. (still high normal) Maybe I will stop eating butter and go back to olive oil and vinegar for my toast. Rotation guy suggested I try the old compound ketamine cream on my ankles. Dr. Major General was awesome as always but impressed me extra with a special, gentle, two handed flat palmed handshake that had NO SQUEEZING. Genius of the pain clinic! My next injection is at the end of June.

Bus ride hard and crowded and jolty. I was a bit teary-eyed. Finally home. yarnivore was here with A. who came home early (there was a plan , with a friend, but it fell through) Baby birds discovered in the birdhouse in the backyard! A. declared she would make the yard a paradise for birds! We could hear them peeping in there and see nest material but the birds seemed to be huddled up against the front just out of site. Birdseed scattered! expedition to the park to get sticks and dead leaves so that bugs would live there and the birds could eat them! Beans and flowers planted! (this all happened while i laid on the couch.) Yarnivore and i laid about talking about arthritis. We ate bean soup. Hours later A. broke the news there are no birds. The peeping noise was the wood of the birdhouse rubbing against the fence! Chagrin.... "But we will make it an awesome bird paradise anyway because the birds put nesting stuff in there so they will come back!"

Video chatted with Zond7 in Norway. He is stuck there an extra day but on his way home now! Hurrah!!!!!

Going tomorrow to see A. play the flute for the school concert.

OK, taking some more sinus meds and then to sleep.

Oh wait. Stranger in Olondria was very good! I loved it! I knew I would from the excerpt booklet from last year's WisCon. Dreamy and lovely....and all the quotations and literary allusions from the narrator! I didn't want it to end. I'll read anything Sofia Samatar writes!

Swam today. Fucked up my ankles. Fingers crossed I don't go back into the space boots.

What should I read before WisCon? I need some escapism, quick.

So many people dropping by these last few weeks! I am really enjoying it. It is lovely to make tea for everyone and sit around gossiping and working on stuff. I also like feeding people. Got a bonus check and celebrated with mildly luxurious groceries like honey "hand harvested in small batches in the Mission". Bwahahahaha!

I have a plot to make decadent mac and cheese in the slow cooker very soon!

I am physically at my limits and also sort of emotionally, pushing to the edge of what I can handle. Pulling back in a just a tiny bit as I can't afford to mess up my physical ability right at the moment , but I still intend to drive out today for an errand if I possibly can. Though there is no rush. Might be tomorrow. I'd like to see if I can drive to either REI (to return the snow boots which turned out to be unnecessary) or Rainbow (to get bath things and brown rice in bulk) I can handle REI in my manual chair. At Rainbow I could borrow their store scooter. It is not very far to drive if I do it when traffic is low in the middle of the day.

Enjoying domesticity. I have a new system for the countertop, with 2 tins for the coffee which I got and used and now am refilling with much nicer quality coffee.

Other small goals are to get some pictures framed and to obtain more large flowerpots.

Going to type to dictation for my friend Zach on some ideas he has and I need to write up some Hive things.

I am so happy that I'm sstill capable of gardening but as I found this morning it is unwise to try doing things like repotting even a small plant it in the cold or fog. My fingers hurt.

My neck is getting better but still iffy. Asking the massage person to shove in deeper rather than just go gently was a big mistake (i say even 2 weeks later) and then trying to "stretch" it rather than just letting it be another mistake. Ice and staying still were good. The pain and the twitch are still there, but much calmer. It gets worse if I nod a lot while listening or turn my head to the left or lie on my left side.

The last few weekends it's been super nice out and we all end up hanging out on the back patio of our little shack. Very relaxing! And it is nice to have visitors. This is in keeping with my Secret Master Plan of being more social without burning out or exhausting myself. Also, I love to play host though am a bit half-assed about it.

So come over, there will be a bunch of people dropping by this weekend, and i might make this a regular thing. There will be nice coffee, tea, abundant pastries from the guatemalan bakery, and hanging out with computers and books and crafty things, in the half sunny half shady back yard. WHICH HAS TWO AWESOME NEW BENCHES. Obviously (??) bring you r laptop. There may be a little book swapping action as well if you have anything to bring. I certainly have books to give away... Also there are nasturtium seedlings and probably succulent cuttings if you want some. There will almost certainly be children playing Minecraft.

rsvp! 11am onwards.

Cannot manage to do anything. Right around noon I lost it and started taking painkillers and now I have taken 2. Pecking at work things. So exhausted and impatient and melancholy. I hate having to basically just write off a day. Also, I was so happy to use my hands for things like scissors and chopping food and doing bits of gardening (as well as, say, shaking hands with people) Now they are horrible again. Maybe from swimming on Tuesday and holding onto the kickboard (instead of arm floaties) that is my theory. Whatever it was, it fucking hurts.

Knees too. I also blame the colder weather today.

Must try to be extra kick ass tomorrow, or on weekend.

my task list (RTM) is really good, and i mostly keep up with it, and today is just the 2nd "postpone" day where not all the things get done.

Listless. Feel like refusing all projects. Grrrr.

That was exciting. Last fall I couldn't do it, ankles just would not have been strong enough. I drove 1 mile up the hill and to do a very boring but satisfying errand. I could not brake with my right foot but my left foot did ok and felt stronger. But, by the time I got there my legs were all noodly feeling.

I had never been in the Lowe's before. I had the manual chair in the car but the store had electric scooters (slow and horrible and beepy, but I appreciated it...) Got 10 giant plastic bins for the stuff in the garage. The cashier brought all the bins and 2 big bags of potting soil out for me & loaded them in the car.

Home & felt even more noodley and shaky. So, I see which muscles need help in my legs, but am not sure what to do for the ankles and knees other than just try more water exercise and hope they strengthen up.

The other day I thought about trying to walk to the corner, but I chickened out. I think I can do it but worry it will screw up my knees if I try it too soon.

It felt strange to be going so fast (20 mph hahahh) and not to be in the open air like on the scooter.

I'm not quite ready to be driving yet but it was nice to try.

Thanks to my friend Z.'s efforts the car is back in commission and I am sharing it with him and yarnivore also kind of wishing I had made some effort to fix it and let people use it before now. Seems like such a waste of a resource that it sat in the garage for a whole year.

had another decent work day, though after the car trip did not get a ton of things done. nearly my whole list for the day.

I then got caught up looking at the anon opjustice4rehtaeh and then read the fb profiles of every kid who has a public FB page and goes to that high school. There were only a couple of hundred. Found one of the kids who is likely one of the rapists. He must be the dumbest one, to post on his fb about how he made a mistake and hopes to be a better person now. I screen capped all of it. two of the kids out of a couple of hundred with FB pages .... only 2.... posted on rehtaeh's mom's post (from the humane society) to say anything to commemorate her life and death or offer condolences. I'm sure many of them are privately, but it was a bit sad. Anyway, I had this just sick fascination staring at the photos of this guy who says he made a mistake. I had a moment wondering if I would put out a link to his profile but then no. He is going down, and it will all come out over the next couple of days, obviously. I felt solemn and grim staring at his page.

Came to the bit in The Bent Twig where the two sisters along with most of their schoolmates realize two of their fascinating, talented, beautiful, popular new classmates Camilla and Ceclie are mixed race. The younger protagonist Judith never liked the popular sisters but her older sister Sylvia loves them. Judith freaks out in the middle of the street and screams at the horrible racist children taunting Camilla. Sylvia has a moral crisis standing there wondering if she has the nerve to stand by her friends and go against conformity and the crowd but is shamed into it by her sister's behavior. Sylvia and Judith go home crying to tell their parents what happened. Their dad the professor tries to explain racism in the U.S. (badly). The kids leave and the parents have this conversation:

After the children had gone out, his wife, who had preserved an unbroken silence, remarked dryly, "So that's the stone we give them when they ask for bread."

Professor Marshall made no attempt to defend himself. "My dim generalities are pretty poor provender for honest children's minds, I admit," he said humbly, "but what else have we to give them that isn't directly contradicted by our lives? There's no use telling children something that they never see put into practice."

"It's not impossible, I suppose, to change our lives," suggested his wife uncompromisingly.

Professor Marshall drew a great breath of disheartenment. "As long as I can live without thinking of that element in American life--it's all right. But when anything brings it home--like this today--I feel that the mean compromise we all make must be a disintegrating moral force in the national character. I feel like gathering up all of you, and going away--away from the intolerable question--to Europe--and earning the family living by giving English lessons!"

Mrs. Marshall cried out, "It makes _me_ feel like going out right here in La Chance with a bomb in one hand and a rifle in the other!"

Must say I enjoyed that Mrs. Marshall got that line about the bomb and the rifle.

Reading all the Elfquest issues in the house with Moomin, who is back from Korea and very jet lagged!

My back is painful but I was better enough today to really work. I re-organized my to-do list stuff into RTM where I realized I have had an account since 2005. Got some things done and thought through how I want to implement some work stuff. I grocery shopped and made some chicken and corn and potatoes and mostly washed up. So that's not bad for activity.

My friend Z. cleaned out my car and we took it out of the garage. It is parked on the street. There is street cleaning every 2 weeks. He has the other garage door opener so that he can park his scooter inside the garage and borrow the car. I was excited just to be able to drive it out of the garage and park it. If my sacroiliac stuff improves I will try a cautious jaunt to a car wash place. Not sure how I feel about the car. I abandoned the idea I would be able to drive again but maybe it's possible. I can't quite imagine it. But, I can't really use it unless I'm going somewhere extremely close to parking because my hands aren't good enough to wheel very well in the manual chair and I wouldn't be able to lift the scooter in and out of the car.

Hoping tomorrow can be a Day Without Painkillers. I would also like to go into the office for half a day (with moomin)

Oh also I stopped taking methotrexate and in celebration of being methotrexate-free for 2 weeks, went out last night with zond7 and had a very strong fancy drink at rock bar. Something with lime and rum and maybe ginger and then half of something else with ginger and bourbon and a german kind of bitters. I was extremely tipsy on a cocktail and a half. We had lovely food from the restaurant across the way (which seems to be the thing to do in that bar.) Then wandered home and fell asleep I think by 10pm. At least I did. It was glorious.