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Realistic assessment, I may not get through a full work day today. Last night I suddenly stopped being able to put weight on my right leg and any movement in my hips was painful. I got to the bathroom on 2 canes. I can put more weight on it this morning and have taken some tramadol. It is hard to bend over and also to turn over in bed, sit upright, etc. Very painful and sharp. Pain/tingling going down my leg into my foot. The "good" side is also aching but not super sharp pain.

I made my tea, ate some crackers, bent over to put cat food in the bowl (mistake)

Could not find my (spare) glasses and had to painfully tidy things up till I found them. They were in the bed in the first place I looked of course. I need to get new real glasses.

I will be very cautious today and will get d. to bring my walker up out of the garage.

Not going to despair. Laying low.

Wrote to my doctor to say what is happening. I will need some vicodin and I think a day or two of lying still. I am not sure whether to skip PT on Wednesday or try to do it. Right now I would not be able to get there anyway. But maybe by Wed. can do it with a ride (which I have already lined up)

Calling the pain clinic now to make sure my next sacroiliac injection is scheduled.

About to get my period so "not despairing" may also not completely be realistic as I usually have about half a day of PMS existential crisis/mood where I doubt everything and cry.
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And I just woke up to prepare myself mentally for work and realized it is still the weekend! Huzzah!!!!! I will do my taxes in celebration.

Friday I worked hard, then took Milo out to high tea. He liked the tiny sandwiches and scones and crumpet and petit four and salad and fruit but not the actual tea. While I went to therapy he read comic books at the nearby library where I then joined him to work some more. We looked into 2 shoe stores but they didn't really have anything that appealed to him. He has always worn non-laceup shoes like vans or merrils and tried to talk himself into laces and failed. We walked all the way there and back playing ingress and talking. Super nice day.

Sat. I fooled with my container plants and cleaned the porch some more from its rainy season cruft and trash and spiders. We all 4 walked down to 24th and the cultural center where there was music and cake. We also had tacos and stopped at the fizzary. ada got a small set of pan pipes. Perfect weather. danny then was super tired and slept a lot. he is still getting over his cold. I trimmed the plants on the side path to the garage and swept it.

sunday i did more plant fiddling. yatima stopped by for tea on the porch. danny and I went up the hill and grocery shopped together which is always nice. f and cmex came over and stayed till dinnertime. So the clean front porch got a lot of use. we had a great time and some hilarious conversations. f. plied and wound some greeny-yellow yarn on a giant spindle and a thing called a niddy-noddy. moomin was out at a game con with his dad. a. and yatima's daughter hung out much of the afternoon there or here. I cooked spaghetti and meatballs (sitting down) and had some pulled pork in the slow cooker all night.

today i am physically shaky and realizing i overdid things yesterday walking around the house and garden. each porch sweeping or gardening feels possible and even good while i'm doing it but I get too gung-ho and over do it. I have at least figured out taking allergy meds beforehand is a good idea! I scrubbed half the porch railings yesterday (sitting down) and did not realize till bedtime that I had screwed up my right hand doing that. I iced it a lot in the night waking up from the pain. It is going to be hard not to clean the rest of the things today. I have all this energy from the zoloft, i think, but not the physical stamina. Though, I just did 3 really nice not-staying-in-bed days with going out each day, and I think have not fucked up yet, I need a "down" day for my knees and ankles...

wonder if my pool is open today? I could go swim!

Must let my hand rest. more reading, less scrubbing ?
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Deep breaths, got in my car and drove it 5 minutes to the top of bernal hill.

I sat in the sun and read my book about the complicated activist politics of the organizations fighting for wheelchair lifts on buses in the U.S.

It was nice for a while but so many dogs off leash came up to me that I decided to go home and try to find another less doggy park in the sun next time. Holly Park is less doggy but you can't drive to the top. I will investigate what else might be close. I think one of the tiny community gardens on the hill will have a bench in the sun where I could spend half an hour occasionally. coleridge mini-park gets some afternoon sun.

My ankles are stiff and painful but it felt like an ok risk.

It was also nice to be in control and go somewhere, alone.

I do wonder about hand controls. Would I just hurt my hands?
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Noting today as I fiddled with my personal wiki. I use Tiddlywiki as a sort of worklog, in my browser, which saves as a single html file on my desktop. Actually I have a personal one and a work one. The work one had a page I was using early on at Mozilla to keep track of people (staff or volunteer) I should know and recognize or have talked with about something. Because I am not very good at remembering people. Or that is how I perceive it when someone recognizes me and I don't recognize them.

This list started with around 10 people, went to 20 quickly, then more like 50. It felt like massive overload. Now I look at that list and have to laugh. At this point after 2 years I know hundreds of people and have some idea of what teams they are on or what they do and maybe their real name, IRC name, where they live (for a rough idea of time zone).

Things were similar at BlogHer, really; I knew hundreds of bloggers and their work or what they had talked about at panels over many of our conferences. Even with this I am constantly amazed at the depth of knowledge (about other people) that folks have who have worked there for many more years.

It is kind of intense. Also, I like it and think everyone is very interesting. But the company has expanded past the point where you can be aware of everyone (long ago)

Girding my lions to think about work from a whole different angle coming up very soon!!!
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I am thinking about diaries and how I organize my time. I will need to readjust things as I switch teams at work very soon.

What have I done with my time so far today?
- woke up at 7 and read Seneca essays which put me nicely back to sleep.
- woke around 8. read BBC world news and hacker news in bed. ate toast. play clash of clans on phone.
- 9 read email, bugmail, answer emails, look at bugs. tweak gmail filters, those useless fucking things. Do a little PT. Read over the bookmarked sections in Pain Mangement Survival Guide.
- put away dishes. wash dishes. realize sink is leaking. call plumber. email plumber.
- 10 look at code. read email and bug comments with advice on code. person to ask advice of is afk.
- Realize I am in massive pain and don't want to move and need tramadol. take tramadol. remind myself to take it , or at least tylenol, when i wake up first thing. Drink tea though it is not great for my stomach. Bag up kitchen trash, bathroom trash, and scoop the catbox. Trash is outside the back door for now.
- File crash bugs. Feel somewhat inadequate that i don't understand better. Think about what i do understand and feel happier. At least i am getting the ball rolling.
- 11am adn now it's meeting time (company wide meeting which i just need to listen to)

I will meditate and do PT at noon and then maybe bake some scones. i also hope my sister will come over.

I like the idea of morning routine including:

- Read reminders from Pain Mgmt guide, Mind over Mood, Marcus Aurelius (M.A. and Seneca also good for middle of the night waking along with very boring roman histories)
- Take tylenol or tramadol or maybe both. (check with dr)
- Gentle PT (not the whole routine)
- The HN and BBC reading is not so bad I think. It is the equiv of reading the paper. The thing to avoid is the FB endless scroll.
- Crash bugs are a nice easy thing to do on Monday morning to get me going even though it is not really my job to do any more. It will be good for me to know what is up on Nightly and to eyeball the crash rate. Maybe limit this to 30 min to an hour. It is also good to fill in times between meetings.
- Assess schedule for the day and the week (this is also good to do sunday night with my big calendar on the door)
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Ativanned up and slept reasonably last night. finally.

The excitement here is we have a dead rat or a mouse somewhere, i think down a specific wall. The guys who came to try to remove it from our attic narrowed it down to a particular location but they would have to tear the wall apart. So we may just wait. If the door is open or all the windows then it isn't detectable but with the doors closed, ugh. I am also boiling cinnamon and cloves and bay in a big pot, which helps.

i would like to hunker down and submit this patch today even if i do it wrong..... determined... I am in over my head... but it would be a little closure for this project for me if i can give it a good go.
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i hate this! waking up in the night going round and round more in my thoughts. also i wake up in pain and it is harder to ignore it. i am too tired to get up and bustle around. so am tossing about in bed.

maybe going on ativan or antideps for a while will help me ? therapist friday. I need to keep functioning and to do that I need to be able to sleep.

reading, deep breathing. sleep will come!

Just City

Feb. 1st, 2015 09:47 pm
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Finished The Just City and at some point during it was laughing and laughing as I pictured it as the perfect message to the sort of old dudes who love SF and science but have perhaps not thought as much as they could have yet about volition and the equality of everyone and the workers. Including rape. So glad Jo Walton does this so I don't have to. I enjoyed it.

Milo will surely like it once he is slightly older and has read some Plato (which he will get very involved in I predict) But not now as he can still read those Lightning Thief books without cringing.
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i slept a lot this morning on and off (rare for me)
Still running a bit of a fever but i'm up and around.

D. went off to work today as he has to videoconference in or something to talk to the australian parliament. (I am not exactly clear) He went with us in a cab (all suited up fancy) to drop me and Milo off at Dossie's. we gave her the walker and hung around a bit. She can be sitting up for maybe half an hour now. really good to see her a bit more perky and out of the hospital/rehab.

Milo and i then scootered a block or so over to MIssion comics then to dog eared books and borderlands which is ... CLOSING. nooooo! i bought the new jo walton book figuring probably the kids will also read it and i can pass it around. he got amulet #6 and a neil gaiman book.

Then we had lunch at mission cheese. milo now eats a normally human amount of food and appears to have good taste. like magic! I felt happy about the 10+ years not spent trying to force him to eat food that he didn't like. yesterday, he ate a caesar salad. (had not seen him, before last fall, ever eat a vegetable or a leaf) (raw carrots excepted) This makes me feel smug. I had a small side salad. i am not eating very well. am cooking fish congee (with rock cod) for tonight.

Ran into annalee and jesse, then kiera and a friend of hers. so pleasant to go down the street in the sun and see people we know....

Back, resting, now A. came over to drop off some things. Looks like she is with us this week too, after a week at her other dad's house. So things are very lively. she is explaining the entire tv show Agent Carter to Milo.
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Well I got up to fold laundry and walk about the house a bit. Realized my stomach hurt like hell and I was running a fever. Back in bed. Not swimming. I would still like to go up the hill and be in the sun. But not if that makes me worse.

ate half an apple. trying to think what to eat. i think a lot of salad and veggies maybe.
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Can't eat normally but faking it. (less than half of a normal amount of food)

nice dinner with metaphortunate anyway!

It isn't getting any easier to get myself out of bed to go swim today. Must JFDI. But it is boring. I will try to take some mpleasure in the bus trip and the nice sunny day and swim at my own pace and not hurt myself. Wish I had someone to go with or talk with at it! my small talk is not super stoked right now. Also, my back hurts and i will not enjoy the bus.

I wonder if i could make the drive there soon.

since it is so hard to get myself up and my back is so wobbly i am not going to alterconf, giving away the tix. sad to miss this personally and also i was looking forward to sharing it with milo.

i also want some coffee so very much but it would be a bad idea for gastritis. at least i can move around. it is not to emergency bad levels. on the edge though. Must eat super conservatively, rest a lot.

tempting... just stay home and do regular PT exercises? is swimming too much?

I can't tell.

Hard night

Jan. 28th, 2015 12:27 pm
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Bad night, feeling very sick, sick to my stomach, reflux, and a weird strong headache that had increased over the day. Pain meds did not help the headache. It was so hard to fall asleep. like a horrible nightmare most of the night. I am not feeling well today, dizzy and sick and looking at the computer makes my head hurt. I tried to dial in to my 8:30 meeting and people's voices made me want to pass out.

Some sort of flu or virus I guess. Taking the day off. reading and dozing. I am missing the work I wanted to get done, swimming, and meeting up with people I wanted to see who are from out of town and also dropping by to see D. as she moves today from the nursing home to chuck's house. All on hold. I miss going to the office and swimming especially as I was looking forward to both.
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Read news, HN (which I do if i wake up in the night or very early) had tea and half a tramadol, slowly unstiffening. Knees and ankles bad in the way of post-airplane flight. I read a very excellent draft of an article or post by a friend and commented in potentially useful ways. She is admirable in her careful and nuanced construction of thoughts. What a pleasure to read. Also, a nice way to start the morning. I need more tea, and now to work email, 9:05am so it is not like I have shirked.

Not sure how things will play out at work this week. I would like to focus deeply and submit a patch! Must catch up with email, go to at least 2 meetings. So i could not until late afternoon. By then I may be in too much pain. Then Wed. morning a meeting and then physical therapy. So I really really want to try for this afternoon.
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I liked Salt Lake City and Park City both. I did a fair job of relaxing and not trying to do too much, slightly over the line but most of that was today (getting off the plane to go to ada's school play opening night, which was AMAZING.)

I had great food, 3 different really good hotels, nice people all around, got to see a little of the library, strange experience today of scootering around downtown Salt Lake City and, yay, went to hear an organ recital in the Tabernacle, which was truly great. Mormons weirded me out. I went into the geneology building.

Actually just crossing the street from the temple plaza to the geneology building was weird and hilarious and a good silly story. I was facing the building across a wide, completely empty street at a crosswalk and red light and don't walk sign. The lights on either side a block away were red and no cars were even visible. Across the street from me was a lineup of mormons with name tags, ladies in skirts and like big hair, and men in suits with flowers in buttonholes. It was as if they were in 50s shop windows. They were all staring at me like i was from Mars but with big smiles. I have to say my heart quailed as I realized I was about to jaywalk or jayscoot in front of these people. Do Mormons do a citizens arrest? So, I went across and they all burst into nervous laughter. I went to the median and thought perhaps we could leave it at that, but no, it had to be done right so I just kept going. We grinned at each other wildly. ONe of them stepped aside and made a remark, something like "Well, uh oh, you might just block our way or something!" (Which was weird because.... i am one person and they were like 10 and they were blocking the crosswalk ramp) False joviality! I laughed lightly while grinning (and considered dramtically taking off my hat to reveal troll doll crest; rejected as the right moment had passed before I thought of it, plus, not actually there to troll mormons, just wanted to cross street, so, unworthy) and went on to admire the Pioneer Cabin to collect myself (rattled!) and hack its portal(s).

Then peeked into the geneology place. A large imposing building with very ugly art inside. The greeters were perturbed but came at me with smiles and nametags. Sister something explained that I could go to watch a video then go to the computers and people would help me. I said I was pretty experienced in doing that kind of research and familiar with how to do geneology stuff online and what i wanted to know was what paper archives they have and what access people can have to them because I like history. She did not know but after some fumbling said that there were books and papers and things on other floors but would have to ask around. I didn't have time to stay so thanked her and went off to the GLORIOUS organ music.

Gershwin on an organ, meh. "Southern Song" ok, noted the blue note accurately done (impressive) but this compounded feeling of cultural appropriation/ruining done by Gershwin. and yet it was quite beautiful and dreamy. BUT. Toccata and fugue(s) A PLUS WOULD FUGUE AGAIN. holy shit! So great. The organist did a demo of the acoustics by dropping a pin 3 times onto the table and then a nail and then tearing a newspaper. My observation of the pin drop was that the pins were dropped onto a hollow wooden sounding box type of thing on top of the table. That is not quite cheating, it is fine, but, it was implied that they were just dropped onto the table...... Kind of cheating really. Wondered what the hell. Immense wealth of odd religious cult displayed. What if someone like, busted me for playing ingress in t heir plaza? What would it be like to flat out own like 4 city blocks for the your monumental architecture of your Thing, whatever it is? What even is their thing, wtf? I think my knowledge of mormons goes like this: Sherlock Holmes story. Pat Califia complaining about childhood. Abuse scandals. They wear particular underwear (garments). Feminist Mormon Housewives group blog (which was great when i was reading it). Oh, also, impression that it is odd, but mostly harmless, to think if you record everyone's family tree then you get their souls in your heaven. You know, weird, but, shrug....

Back in SF feeling the vast weight of wondering if Mormons will get me lifted off my shoulders.

Much more to say but must sleep. Must blog about things like, the movie itself, my amazing breakfasts, all the nice things about the hotels, mountains, things I wish I had gotten to do, the library, etc. etc. also ada's school musical which, highlight of everything, was great.
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Spent yesterday afternoon and evening at the hospital in oakland doing a shift with dossie who had some spine fusion surgery. She is getting up a bit better now and probably moving soon to a recovery/rehab place and lots of good people are rallying round in support and for care. It is a complicated surgery and will be a while. It sounds like the plan is for her to be more central to the city so, that means I will be able to be around for that. (ie not a 2 hour drive away up in the woods) We talked poetry, read poetry and had as nice a time as I think is possible in a hospital while in that much pain. I am very fond of dossie. got a call from s. while i was in the hospital and left voicemail back. did not look at internet. yatima is in oz and i keep thinking of her situation with her dad and her family. i want to hug everyone close.

I just went out to swim, it was lonely and boring, I could not keep up with the (overly bouncy) arthritis exercise class so did my own thing in the corner, and a couple of people said hi but mostly they weren't friendly, including the instructor. Missed the bus back so had to wait another half an hour. At least it was sunny. My back hurts.

Got back to news from zond7 about what is going down last night and today with s., wv, and entire fucking world of jerkfaces, feeling a bit sad and dispirited. feeling for her extremely. it is quite horrible.
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I woke up a little late, but time enough for toast and coffee before my meeting. Boss and other sorta manager didn't show up. I ran the meeting and it was fun. Felt that I brought a little warmth into it and also managed to get other people talking with each other rather than a feeling of meeting runner/ boss eliciting responses/statuses. It is a tough crowd (everyone nice, but somewhat demoralized by situations). Felt good about that. Did not feel bogus. Then contacted a few people privately afterwards to do followup or make sure they got what they needed. I did a few things that didn't take a crapton of concentration.

C. showed up a bit late but it was ok. The plan was to try out her driving me to PT at the pool today. The pool has been closed for about a month. I did go do a little mild moving around in the JCC twice and I do my PT exercises every day at least once. Still I figured a 3+ hour scooter, bus ride, scootering, PT and back again would wipe me out. It also would serve as a scouting trip to see how driving there would work out, if I can drive again, which I hope I can. The drive took around 15 minutes. Maybe a bit more. (It takes an hour for the bus + scootering.) She realized on the way she had left her fancy vaccuum cleaner in her building lobby. So went back to get it and then picked me up. Our plan was if there was lots of traffic she would call me and I could just take the bus.

There is parking on the same level as the pool. So I could in theory drive there with the manual wheelchair. Much easier in some ways than scooter + bus. If my driving leg (and hands/back) can do it. Anyway, PT felt great. I got some good advice on my knee difficulties. There were two very nice new people. It was mary's last week that her insurance will pay. I will miss her, she is super nice. Not mega chatty but nice. I felt for A. who was there for the first time and clearly in pain hell and trying not to cry. I was going to ask her if we could give her a ride or how she was getting home. But should have asked in the pool. I waited for her in the locker room a while but she was clearly trying to get dressed in one of the bathroom stalls. I really felt for her. Like how was she managing in there to get on a shirt?????? Jesus. Not well, I can say that much. Anyway, I liked her. In the way of just respecting someone's private everest climbing and trying not to cry moment. LIke you want to let them know you respect it or are there with them but not in a way that's like intrusive. Impossible unless over time, sometimes. PT guy super nice, super competent, continues to impress me on all levels.

My knees are a little wobbly because I am walking better. This is familiar phase of leg rehabbing. Must not fuck up my knees. I am excited though. Really must not. Asked for advice. PT guy familiar with this. Looked at what I was doing. Said I need to not just think about core (hard enough..... ) but consciously tighten quads, glutes, all leg, while moving (holding onto side of pool, gentle leg lifts to side, not far up, just using hte muscle) I could do the side lifts fine but the knee I was standing on then in pain. Thinking about tightening everything worked. I pictured it all like all like a girdle of muscles around my knee holding it together. Will practice this somehow more. In bed. The squats in the pool also help. I can visualize things more. Cannot do them out of pool. A little bit with "sit to stand" exercise. Which, embarrassingly, is just standing up out of a chair, which over time I have come to do in a very "adaptive to back pain" way which is incorrect and destabilizes everything more. Basically, I have not only forgotten how to walk "correctly" and use my muscles together, I have forgotten how to get up out of a chair. Grrrrrreat. Clearly, if I can keep doing them, squats = magic, for all of this.

Felt invigorated by everything. Exercise! ! ! ! ! While waiting for C. in the parking lot I had a good moment of extra enjoyment on a park bench in the sun. A young mom talked to me about dying her hair. They were having a pirate picnic. I thought fondly of the coffee in the boring toddler playground days and their weird pace. Then I got a DM from sandra. The movie trailer is out!! whoa! I am in the trailer! D. is in the trailer! it is noisebridge,and our tiny living room office. Cool! The trailer is good!

Trigger warning: sexy naked ladies in the trailer as well as scenes of violent protest and me in my Hackmeet tshirt in noisebridge, being interviewed (unaware that horrible WV is just out of frame in the DJ booth having a nap, in his special sunday fake trolly christian suit or whatever the hell was going on then, until after the interview when he popped out of the booth looking owly and sleepy) The trailer got across some of the sense of what it was like to be aware of and be following the events of the Arab Spring from north america at the time and what it is like to fall in love over the internet, how internetty everything was, but non-boringly (a few of those "typing in passwords" montages, which for me were specially intense because i spent hours staring at those blog screens) Considering how much of revolution takes place in our imaginations -- while there is an immediate physical reality, if people weren't sharing an imagined world or reality then they would not join a revolution. This is corny but of course love is the same way. I feel the movie will not pull its punches about people romanticizing revolutions, distant oppression they are not experiencing physicallly, or love.

D. texted me to say his laptop broke and he is coming home. Luckily yesterday he JUST put together a sort of zombie back-up laptop. In case of this very thing.

You can see already it was a lively day full of interest and people.

C. picked me up. Home in 15 min. If not for the vacuum cleaner I could nearly have gotten to my other meeting at 1:30. We got back just as Revolt was about to leave. So he parked his scooter (he has a copy of my garage door opener) and came on up. I babbled about the movie thing and we all lined up on the couch to watch the trailer. OMG!

Revolt and I then babbled some more about music. He played me a song that was tru and eileen singing together about sisters. I got all teary. When I heard her song on the blacklivesmatter mixtape I thought immediately she and eileen would like each other and had compatible singing powers and taste. Now they are composing songs together. I am very excited. I would listen to just their rough cut from the living room fooling around. It was lovely like hearing eileen practicing. Beautiful strong lyrics. Revolt played me Kool Mo Dee "I Go to Work" which was motherfucking genius. He is in some bad pain. His right arm is not doing well. But he is super happy. He talked about how happy he was that the mixtape ended up bringing people together creatively more than he realized it would because they worked together on it. It is meant for activists and radicals to refresh and sustain them. He worked super hard on the sound clips and we talked about making a malcolm x torrent that is better than the one that's out there (there is only one! ridiculous) I said not a lot of people had responded to the mixtape and he gently said that it was not really meant FOR liberals which is probably who is on my FB. Oh thanks dude! ahahahah. Well! Not gonna lie. Mostly true.

Here is the mixtape. it is free! Tru has a story and a song at the end.

I then worked. (whew) Did many different small things. Emailed people. Followed up on shit. Etc. C. cleaned the fridge which was something I could just not do as it meant taking out all the drawers and shelves. I dont even know how she did it. Careful manipulation of things diagonally. Anyway she saved us all from the consequences of an entire gallon of orange juice having gone under the veggie drawers. I mopped as much up as i could on Sunday but it was nasty. And, she took away all the cardboard and did an asston of laundry. And was lovely company as always. I invited her to dinner but she went home.... Long day.....

A. got home around 6. Did her homework. She was pleased to have people there that were not just me. Realized I was stiffening up and in pain. We got bbq. all too tired to cope with idea of making tacos as i had planned. A. and I discussed her birthday party and looked at photos of her over the ages. She was very cute in the past, as was Moomin. They are still cute. But they were differently cute.

D. is working probably all night tonight. He has not quite got back onto a day schedule anyway. His friend Fakebit will be in town next week. Yay! I also invited damnedcolonial to stop over on her way through her North American Tour some months from now.

My mom was excited about the trailer and put it on her fb and her friend said i looked poised, professional and natural. hahahaahh. No really opposite of poised or professional. Actually, that is what not giving a fuck looks like. Natural I will give you. But it was nice my mom liked it.

Yesterday was horrible and I cried a lot and listened to emo music and Processed and then kept waking up in the night in cold sweats thinking of things. But as so often happens I woke up and just rode the day and was absolutely fine, if melancholy underneath. I thin this is a mixture of brain chemical luck, Stoic philosophy, resilience, and a dollop of embarrassing shallowness.

Tomorrow I hope to go heads down and concentrate harder on the things I am actually supposed to be doing for Goals that take continuous hours of concentration.

In bad pain now! Very sore. Must sleep! Drugs are good! I shoudl take tramadol immediately tomorrow morning and also tylenol.

Sticking to thoughts: Do not fuck myself up physically on this trip to sundance. Take it all easy. Stick to hotel room with D. and the soothing, healthy internet, which makes me Rest. Do not attempt to Explore all of SLC and park city in the cold in a scooter. Exploring can be for another time somewhere else. Specially planned. OK maybe a little breakfast-getting in downtown SLC. 2nd thought: Tentative 2-month goal to try driving (in 2 months-ish) to the pool at a non-PT, open swim or arthritis exercise class time. Is this theright goal? 6 month out, goal to drive there and walk in? Maybe realistic if I don't backslide/flare up. 3rd thought: kick ass at work. 4th thought: zine.
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I have been playing clash of clans since Thanksgiving (I think) and had a funny moment yesterday considering strategy, and some insights that seem generally applicable to life.

The game lets you build a little village where you mine gold and elixir, build walls and defenses and weapons tech, and then basically, armies of barbarians, giants, goblins, wizards, etc. You can fight solo against goblin villages, or start getting matched up with random other players across the world to attack their fortress villages. In attacks, you can loot around half the other player's gold and elixir, and if you destroy 50% of their buildings you get some "trophies", and win the match. Destroying all the buildings gets more trophies. With the loot, you can immediately build new stuff. Trophies are used to determine the difficulty level of player you get matched with, and what "league" you are in, a group of 100 players. Every few days, your league is wiped clean, and you are matched up with a new league depending on how many trophies you have at that moment.

You also can join a clan and have big complicated battle tournaments with another clan, which is fun.

Anyway, recently I got up to a Silver league level, and then rose to the top of it. I was going for a badge where you reach 1250 trophies. I kept getting around 1190, mostly from attacking other people (and skipping through potential matches till I found one easy enough). Then in the night someone would always come kick my ass and I'd lose like 30 trophies. Very frustrating! It also felt harder and harder to find an easy enough match.

I kept thinking, what am I missing? Why can't I kick these people's asses? And paging through more and more matches of people with a mile of huge walls, 3 mortars (to my one) and 3 wizard towers wiht a level 8 town hall. In short triple the defense power that I have. And feeling like I was missing some possible successful attack strategy.

Last night realized that I am being matched up with people with 3 times my defense level because I am that much better at attack and strategy so that I am several leagues above most people with my actual tech/battle level.

OH. I am not incompetent at strategy. I am 3 times better at strategy and punching far above my weight class.

That was a relief.

So I have to go lose some battles for bit on purpose (I don't have to, but I could) Or just focus more on loot, and less about trophies and winning. I did that a few times last night, and suddenly was wallowing in gold coins...... I am not sure if I will be matched "correctly" till the leagues are cleared and re-formed in a few days. I looked online at strategy guides and saw that people deliberately start a battle, attack wtih one troop, then surrender so they can lose max trophies and go loot low-level players. omg. I am unlikely to go that far with it, but simply to re-focus off winning and onto looting! Not out of honor but because I really like to win. (Also I would not mind being just slightly above my dad's level in the clan....... but maybe once I catch up a bit more!)
badgerbag: (Default)
Question based on a scene from the novel 1Q84 (which I am greatly enjoying).

Weird things are happening, like people referring to major world events you don't remember. You suddenly wonder if you are in the same reality and same body and are really yourself. You are overcome. There is no mirror. To check if you are really you, you reflexively feel:

a) your boobs
b) your face
c) some other part of your body

badgerbag: (Default)
Moomin told me that, inspired by reading The Disappearing Spoon, he has taken each example of his boring chemistry homework and looked up what each chemical reaction is actually doing. Fermentation, the Haber-Bosch process, dissolving aluminum, and many more.

badgerbag: (Default)
Thinking about my goddaughter. I should give her a holler. Have not written much since she graduated college and got a job. Somehow haunted a bit tonight thinking of her mom.

Got out the piano this afternoon to help Moomin practice new songs for school choir. He is singing bass (? not really..... imho but they had to split the 5 boys somehow) in Scarborough Fair and baritone in the old norse song from the beginning of Frozen. He was not hitting the notes and i was puzzled then realized he was 2 notes off in reading the bass line and also slightly flat. Some re-establishment of what middle C is helped. But, they do not really know the notes, or scales, or keys, it is like 8 years of do re mi. We then sang it all fairly well and he was into practicing one line many times (as i am). I wonder if I could teach him basic music reading now with some of my music books.

He was remarkably handsome today in his hashtag sweater, skinny jeans, and mismatched socks (one rainbow with pawprints, one purple striped) and black vans.

The cat threw up 4 times. Not usual for her. She is drinking, and peeing, and seems chirpy enough.

D home to make dinner. yay! he did not sleep at all one night recently then slept nearly all weekend (work stress and illness) He is cooking lots lately and fetching food and doing all the laundry. We went to dinner with his friends from the uk. (stef and kay and james c) I spent most of the weekend alternating lying in bed reading and going through toys in the kids room with Moomin. We went through the bin of magnet things and the 2 tubs of legos, sorting out everything that was not a lego. The room is rearranged to make room for a desk. We both enjoy poring over things and I think both enjoyed the magformers and legos and endless sorting. We made the friendly Totem from Monument Valley in small legos after finding a one-by-one yellow lego with an eyeball on it.

Then after dinner I had the huge urge to play the piano but held off. Ada then suggested the desk area could be the piano area. I put it on the 2 matching chair-stepstools. Works perfectly. I wanted to play while ada was in the shower but could not get printer working. I got in a little bit of practicing invention #1 from memory and trying to remember the fingering. Did not get past the 2nd twiddly bit. Printer finally worked. Then she was out and didn't want me to play. So I listened to her composition. She is writing down the note names on paper according to my sticky tape marks. Feel slightly crap at things since neither child can read music. Her composition was good. It was called The Argument. First a melodic bit then chords that were like a different voice. Then more of the first voice. Then more crashy chords. Ada has a cold and a sort of gurgly cough. I dosed her with childrens' benadryl-D before bed.

Noticed she had done her math worksheet all wrong and have set alarm for 7am to explain ratios. I have thought out several different ways to explain it. I could see how she was thinking (gets it at the core if things are in 5s or 10s, so understands the principle, but mixes it up and also was approximating, so anything not obvious was in the wrong order and sort of rounded.) Also, lack of focus or caring factored in since it was after 8pm when she started it. She did not flip out when I mentioned about needing to re-do with explanation. I was afraid she woudl be upset. she was very good tempered for it being a changing households day, long school day + theater practice, homework, shower, etc. Resolving not to be quarrelsome or scoldy and magically get her to do basic chores and homework without any sort of conflict ever again.

Worked a lot, intensely while I was working, but had a fabulous break mid day going to lunch and coffee with E, her little sister S, and their dad. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. E. is in college now. S. is in Moomin's grade I think and does cosplay. They are very amusing! It was so good to see them! I adored them as they were growing up. What a fabulous gift of life if we can be friends while they are grown ups. Super touched they came up to see me. I think that is why I'm thinking of my goddaughter and feeling a pang that I failed to stay in touch or really, do much of a job there other than sporadic books, graduation gifts, that one hideous bit where she wanted some truth about her mom and I was like Uhhhhh, JFC, where to begin.

I want my piano books from rook's house and will pick a few to put in the bookshelves here. bach + chopin + a couple of easy books to teach the kids from (if they'll tolerate it) I am afraid to hurt my hands but surely just a little bit.... the pleasure in it is doing it for hours though so, hmmmmm. My hands hurt now. So, unwise to get piano from kids' room. Will read the end of Ra instead.

Very domestic and kid focused "holiday", not badly so but a little less career and art filled that I first thought it would be. That is not a bad outcome though.

March 2015

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