badgerbag: (Default)
I am done, sort of! at least, it shipped!

Cool huh?

I'm so very very very tired and brain-fried! I hope for a good long weekend with some swimming involved!
badgerbag: (Default)
My friend Beth was in my dream last night. we were spies. it was pride week in London and we were in full leather and discussing its cultural meanings. I could walk during most of that and then suddenly things shifted and i remembered I had a wheelchair and then i was in it for the rest of the dream and wondered how I could have walked so far in my spying job! We said wry things and slinked around. Things were very industrial.
badgerbag: (Default)
Made a n appointment for monday with my regular doc. I have the strange feeling like I'm ashamed and am going to disappoint him or everyone. I was doing so well?
badgerbag: (Default)
Things going super well but I am maybe overworking a bit. Allergy attacks in the night waking me up a lot. Last week or 3, ankles bad. I keep saying to the physical therapist they are bad but he has been acting kind of dismissive. Not sure what to think there. But I am not getting any .. advice or help I guess. I got the boots back out last week at some point when I decided i wanted to walk around the back patio and go up and down the stairs and do some laundry and stuff. Then I realized i was crying on the bus with anticipation that i could get home and put on the night splints to keep my ankles still and my feet flexed. (hard to lift up my foot to keep it with my toes not pointing down. My calves and ankles hurt like fury. Anyway, general knee/hand/ankle burning/inflammation feeling. I am worried a lot that this is like heading into flare up land. I need to change up something. Go into different mode. Ice ankles several times a day, wear the splints at night.

Frustrating as i want to go out , see mad max this weekend, go to the body of work performance next week, go to a party on thurs, go to amy schumer and then I have to fly to vancouver for work for a week. I am obviously not going to be able to last out the week. I will have to work out so that I don't go to the morning all-hands part, and just go to the afternoon bits. I don't know how I can manage it even with that. I also need better painkillers. I took a vicodin and it isn't even touching the pain.

did i bring this on? too much going out? walking around? working too long hours? I am doing all the PT. should i call my doctor? what is even the point in that. :(
badgerbag: (Default)
Reading Sea of Poppies from [Unknown site tag]al-zorra's review the other day. I really like it! Picking up the words from context but at some point I will just read straight through this glossary by the author: http://www.amitavghosh.com/chrestomathy.html. I may read everything I can find by him for the next couple of weeks.

Finished my re-read of North and South. I love it but also want to make fun of it. All that virtuousness and dying and agonizing neurotically! Also what a case of the Nice White Ladies. Then I felt like it wound me up to expect a huge mutual brain dump of Mr. What's his name and Margaret explaining everything to each other and their change of heart, but it was over in 2 pages. WTF, draw it out a little bit Gaskell! This does not mean I didn't love it and all the union things and the more or less sympathetic view of working class and poor people. BUT I have a big butt, Margaret's virtuous position is that if the masters and servants and working class just hang out a little bit more they will fight less and it won't matter that someone gets to be ridiculously wealthy and comfortable while other people are still super poor but may be lucky enough not to starve to death. Please. You over there in the mansion, tone it down a little and start a dinner buying coop for your factory workers and you, workers, read the bible more and ... drink slightly less and don't actually beat anyone up when you go on strike which you won't any more becasue the masters have explained why they can't give you a raise but are still in a mansion with a carriage and so on... No, that doesn't work does it?
badgerbag: (Default)
This was my day!

Notary for passport form
handed off noisebridge docs
got z. his package
put all the jars of coins in the garage ready to be coinstarred
got my data off an old laptop onto a 1TB hard drive
hired a guy to come move the fridge and the kids' bunk bed
mopped behind fridge
scrubbed out freezer
bought cleaning supplies to scrub freezer etc
cleaned out the kids' beds, which were nastily full of trash, dust, cables, old socks
gathered up 5 loads of laundry
mailed c. to ask her to come do all the laundry tomorrow
ordered new checks
paid bills
threw away a lot of papers
looked for a.'s keys (failed to find)
looked for m's wallet (also failed)
z. came over
the guy who is treasurer for NB came over
a. came back home from her mom's and i fed her dinner
emailed people about work thing, worked a bit

A very responsible day. I think I did too much scrubbing and walking. I laid down in between doing everything at least. The house still overwhelmingly has crap all over the place.

I am trying to look for some WisCon posts and reading a bit of the tweets but am just too domestically overloaded to feel engaged.

The fabulous bit of the day is that I did get a lot of my old data. WHEW.
badgerbag: (Default)
Listening to how he plays piano, blowing my mind. He makes glenn gould sound like a soulless prancing robot pony. I am listening again to beethoven sonata in d major (pastoral) which i played the hell out of in high school (painfully learning bar by bar so i know it really well to listen to) and rhodes is so brilliant with it that I am feeling embarrassed for my attempts to emotionally interpret it. crap! he plays bach so well i'm in tears! good stuff.
badgerbag: (Default)
Long complex dream where I was traveling and was a spy to keep tabs on someone on the trip with us. Horrible moments realizing he was covered in blood or had some weird plague. There was scuba diving. I can't remember what was scary other than fearing to be discovered as the spy. Woke up, calmed down with tea on the couch.

When I went back to sleep I was back in the dream, but in an airport buying a new outfit to tide me over as my baggage was gone. I returned to the vacation place and found that we had forgotten all sorts of things. Piles of clothes, gadgets, food, medicine, and an entire half-packed suitcase on wheels. The spy target guy (still sometimes accidentally revealing his bloody wounds) was suspicious of my return. I chattered about things to distract him while I re-packed my baggage.

I remember one moment finding a pile of different pain meds and thinking they weren't mine but they were strong and powerful. Maybe I would take them. I then decided not to take them, thinking that, hey, if I wanted these I could ask my doc. I pictured my very kind doctor saying, "But, you could have just asked me and told me your pain was worse and you needed them, like we talked about" and so I did not take the boxes of pills and injectible painkillers. (Also picturing what it is like to be arrested in the airport.)

There was another moment in this seaside hotel where I took a walk outside, and made it my goal to go down a dark pathway by the beach, until I got to the street some way off up a little hill. It seemed impossible. But my ankles did it and I felt strong. I couldn't believe I had made it all the way to the street. Amazing! How did my ankles get so strong? I was glad it was dark. What if someone saw me walk it and then accosted me over why I wasn't walking like that all the time?

Brought to you by the Ministry of Obvious Dreams.
badgerbag: (Default)
Talked last night about everything with zond7 and felt much better. I felt a bit hallucinatory from relief appreciating the normalcy of everything and the fact that my life is nice and under my own control. But then flashes of this other feeling would come into my head very intensely like absolute shame and despair and horror and I would for a few seconds feel like i wish I didn't exist. That is a very unusual feeling for me and I have perspective on it. This morning I feel a bit wrung-out. I took a full ativan last night and slept very well.

Onward to work and then the bus and PT. I may cry during PT. Pain levels still high and I feel emotionally raw.

I don't like the idea feeling as I do right now that I have to be practically naked in a group of people. Or even go be on the bus on my scooter. But there it is, it's a swimming pool and it's across town. Armor up!
badgerbag: (Default)
Good: Clockwork Dagger. Fluffy, steampunk, fantasy of manners, special healer orphan girl rides giant blimp and is MAGIC and can feel the soul of the tree goddess. There is an interesting roommate, a handsome, somewhat brooding man, and a cute animal friend. Passes Bechdel test.

So-so: His Fair Assassin. Has actual history (medieval-ish France/Brittany) plus magic old gods. Orphan teenage magical assassin nuns, who are friends, go out into the big world, getting more involved in politics than they had planned to other than assassinating people. I enjoyed this but it also drove me up the wall.

The Girl With All The Gifts: Excellent! Traumatizing! Awesome! Zombies but not like the usual zombies?

Cranford: re-read, such a good book.

Gaslight Dogs: couldn't get through it, should give it another try.

The Journalist and the Murderer: GREAT book. read if you like analysis of writer-subject relationships.

Five Days at Memorial: Good book about the bad stuff happening at a hospital during Katrina. I was following the blog of one of the nurses at the time.

The Grace of Kings: good mil-fantasy. World building. Do we have a special name for that? MilF is kind of taken.

Entire series of Mrs. Darcy books by Carrie Bebris: Read them all like circus peanuts, kind of awful but enjoyable somehow.
badgerbag: (Default)
My entire back seized up yesterday, neck and right arm have been a bit off since the snorkeling (same thing that happens every time I'm at a party and try to look up at people for conversation, or at movies). Lo, I went to a bar and talked to people (though was smart enough to mostly limit conversation to other sitting down people) and then to a movie and I am hosed. I finally took muscle relaxants and danny massaged me a bit and I laid flat on back with no pillow for a while. Still bad but nothing like yesterday. Little things in my spine are popping. Cannot look up or to the right or reach up with my arm. I can still hold and book and (obviously) type.

May not last entire day sitting up and I plan not to go out.
badgerbag: (Default)
I went out to go to therapy and meet an acquaintance from out of town who called me up. It was so hot I left the house in a tank top and thin tshirt, no long underwear, holey jeans, and ended up taking off my socks in the cafe. (Do not worry. My feet are odorless and look very nice. I was surely not grossing out my fellow cafe-workers. ) It was so nice to just bake in the sun and heat. I wish it were like that every day.

This cafe has a cozy spot by a sort of bay window with two comfortable large wicker chairs and two small tables. It's quiet but people come in and chat all the time with each other and the baristas. I got a lot of work done there and tipped high to make up some extra cafe rent.

It turned out NOT to be therapy day - it was Friday instead. OK! Back to the cafe.

My friend was stuck in traffic but then zond7 texted to say he was going home from work to pick up his apple watch, which had just gotten there (the magic of the package tracking stuff that apple watch fans had set up, I guess). He came to meet me at the cafe. I believe we may have compared our Cat Collections and worked a bit longer... then off to the bar.

A few worries about my pain level. I have been taking at least 3 half-tramadols over each day this week. A whole one sometimes. And, plain tylenol, once or twice a day. At night, or when I had horrible (period) cramps and my neck being stiff and my feet actually spasming, adding in some skelaxin (muscle relaxer). There is pain in a new place, the sacroiliac/sciatica type of electric shock or buzz, but going to a place it has never appeared before which I suppose (hide your eyes) is my pudendal nerve. NOT GOOD. It's ... like being zapped in the inside pelvic bones. This has died down mostly. Why are there always new places for more pain hijinks? Anyway in this state, going out to an inaccessible bar sounded stupid, and yet I really wanted to.

The bar was nice but no big deal. I talked with zond7's work people and some random other people and maybe some 18f people. Funny convo with insunlight about her trolling guys at defcon or maybe CCC. I had two drinks and did not feel any ulcer pain, but was pleasantly tipsy. It continued to be very warm! Our friend from china was there and demoed his headphone gadget. I had a good conversation with him about open source hardware and scooters and wheelchairs and all my ideas (from like 2008 but hey, I still think about it and the different ways I could start a company to do it) He nicely said he would hook me up with manufacturing and distribution people if I ever jump into that. I can dream!!! But, would need someone to do the traveling part for me. He was so nice, and I was touched that he thought of me to be in touch after all this time since "early blogging" days. His gadget is excellent.

Zond7 and I went home by like, 9. (Huzzah!)

He then played his ukelele chord progressions. I got out the keyboard and tried to play along and improvise a little or at least echo his chords. Not too hard and a lot of fun. It was nice to share our tiny bits of knowledge about music theory. We watched a sort of guitar or keyboard-hero version of the doctor who theme on youtube. It struck me suddenly that that form of musical notation is exactly like a music box or player piano program.

My hands on the keyboard are very halting but some things are ingrained. I thought of the book I like, Ways of the Hand, and its soothing descriptions of knowing where your hands are in motion in relation to the keys.

Pain level is still not down to "normal" whatever that is, but some baseline, and yet I am functioning pretty well. Work is good and interesting.
badgerbag: (Default)
This morning as many other mornings. 4 or 5am. I am in so much pain I don't want to move. Then I'm in so much pain I have to move. (repeat several dozen times) Perhaps if I get my neck in just the right position. No maybe some other position. Maybe with the blanket between my ankles and lying on my side. Read a bit. Cat is meowing. Smear some voltaren on my neck and ankles. And wrists and fingers. And knees. Get up and use the bathroom and drink some water and have a plain tylenol. Attempt to placate cat. (Unsuccessful) Fall back asleep. Dream about pain and waking up and go through entire thrashing-around and trying to meditate cycle. Read on kindle, doze off, read, doze.

Wake up and fidget some more. Toe-wiggling and experimental ankle flexes. Feeling that I can't stand the pain in neck and shoulder. I get up and take half a tramadol and a skelaxin (for neck and left foot spasms) and have some decaf tea on the couch and read. Thinking back on times when i had trouble even holding a book. Will it be like that? Is this going to be a day in bed? Have I screwed myself up? Am I going to cry? Will zond7 be mad at me for fucking myself up? Will Moomin be disappointed and find me a very boring person? Why is my neck so stiff from the extremely gentle swimming around, or the plane? Is it part of ankylosing spondilitis? Did I get some sort of disease on vacation? Am I going to miss work? I finally fall asleep for real.

10am. Coffee. More of my book (Journalist and the Murderer, which is excellent.) Feeling cautiously human. I am up. Feel that I can't stand smell of the house. Wash dishes. Sit on couch & sort through unpacking bags. Deep breath! I should not have coffee, not good for me, but it is so nice.

Moomin tells me his opinion of the Three Musketeers (ridiculous thugs, why does everyone think it is so jolly that they go around killing people? everyone in book is an asshole. He keeps laughing in outrage. There is a graphic novel of the book where they don't sound like such jerks. Weird! I agree with him. We make fun of soldiers, chivalry, people with swords, and people who think it's a fun idea to burn down someone's inn just for kicks.)

Moomin has done the laundry. zond7 still asleep (evidence of him having his own late night insomnia is around). I am lying down to rest feeling sore all over but encouraged that I had enough energy to walk around the house and be productive.

Feeling mad urge to try to blog about our entire trip. Too many thoughts! It was all lovely!

But I steadily took painkillers to be able to be active, thus, my suffering now.

Stance has got to be: take the painkillers now, don't go off them, but don't be overactive, either. Activity like cooking or dishwashing or tidying or watering plants, sit on front and back porch, don't try to go out for several more days. Naps crucial.

Goals for this week: get through work days at least to 3pm, get to PT on Wednesday to swim, eat nicely but frugally (no take-out), keep house tidy, be well enough to go to the movies with the kids and zond7 next Saturday. Sub goal of taking very minimal drugs by end of week (ie half a tramadol zero, once, or twice a day).

Must remember to put cat-proofed water and plain tylenol and a tramadol by the bed tonight so I don't go through that horrible cycle of nightmare feeling pain.
badgerbag: (Default)
Such a nice day today. I had meetings all morning from 8am onwards, then went to therapy, bus broke down on the way there and the guy was worried about letting me off into the street, but not a jerk about it. I got off and went to the next stop and all was well on the next bus. Listened to one of the mixes I made recently & played Ingress & looked out the window. So warm in a nice way - a little on the hot side but that feels good to me! I should start wearing sunscreen.

After my appointment I went to look for a replacement scarf for my lost wooly pashmina. The woman running the store and I discussed our strange desires to have every scarf. My new pashmina is silk and cashmere and is a dark rich shiny brown with faint black patterns. Super ideal. I feel like a little brown bird. (In a giant blanket thing, with purple trimmings). Then beetled off to the J, to downtown uneventfully, switched to the N, went up to the roof at work. I sat in the sun overlooking the bay & devoured a stroopwaffel and some of those toasted coconut flakes, dealt with some bugmail, then hung out with support and user advoc. people who were having a beer. Unsurprisingly, support/UA team is NICE.

I tried channeling Lukas a bit by hosting an event at work. the nicest meetup. In retrospect, really, I knew this but just figured I could get away with it, I should have lined up another person to help me host. And, I should have specially invited the facilities people to come and attend so they could see some accessibility barrier negotiation in action. (But really they can just come see me be unable to open the heavy door, any time. ) Around 40-50 people showed up and I met lots of nice people.

After many years of volunteer thingies and doing a lot of work it was nice to just go, Oh, an event shall happen, and magic catering people and an A/V magician show up and do many of the things. The only thing I did was zoom around opening the 2 different doors at the entryways and greeting people. Which was fun except for the door being hard to manage. it was not unpleasant to briefly wield some resources and be a nice host without having to do all the actual physical labor.

I thought how I used to go out and do something like this every week sometimes more than once a week. Increasingly by taking more painkillers. Oh! so exhausting! I just can't do it!

But, it was nice for tonight. also, the food was good. i was just inhaling it. (I wonder if all the asthma meds make me hungrier?? food seems especially satisfying this week) Nice cheese, dried figs, giant slabs of very dense crystalized honey.... those mushroom truffle tarts... wtf, nice.

i am now planning to put in a workplace service request (like facilities) for working with lighthouse to do a tactile map of surrounding area and the building first floor interior. I wonder if this is something that is useful beyond just particular occasion (must ask them -- also, did they keep the julia morgan ballroom one, and did the JM ballroom people know it existed? I should follow up) So, do they keep such things and then print them for people ? Can't believe I never followed up on that....

I am so excited about vacation and our trip. I cannot wait to pack. I'm going to loaf on the beach like nobody's business.
badgerbag: (Default)
I had a decent swim today at PT. My ankles did not feel strong but I could do all the things. I had a nice 10 minutes of lying in the sun beforehand on a park bench and nearly fell asleep. On the way there past the zoo I stopped to watch two brown bears playing in their pool. Today's class was 4 dudes, one of the ditzier ladies, and a nice woman who talked about her marriage and her new (old) Impala and going to casinos. She is a bus driver. Sadly she thought I was in my early 20s. Right..... No! There was a guy there with a new back injury who was very tense and upset. I felt for him. He was wishing that he could just be in the water all the time since then he would be "walking like a normal person again". I did not break it to him that he was still wincing and limping and looking kind of fucked up in the water. I hung out more with the guy with the prison tattoos who is pretty nice, and the Impala lady, who told us all about the beached whale in Pacifica and the last 4 or 5 times there has been a beached whale in the area.

Asthma still nasty. I think that there is nearby road construction and that is what's doing it. Pulse oximeter thing going from 95-98. Inhalers rule. Even if they make you get the shakes.

I am well into this not very good series of fake Jane Austen novels where Elizabeth and Darcy go to all the different settings for Austen's other novels. The writing style and things that happen are not at all right. But they are not super super awful enough that I've stopped reading them, either. Everything else on my Kindle (and it is full of stuff) is sort of serious or dense. Need trashy reading!

Hugo mess continues, very annoying. I read a short story that was withdrawn from the awards. It wasn't very good. Nothing to barf about, it was just boring and as if it were churned out to make $25 or fill up magazine pages 40 or 50 years ago and it would not have done anything new then either. I then thought of all the novels that are basically that same story but stretched out to make more pages, and just as boring. How can people be so dull?!

I also read a pleasingly cranky review of Silver on the Tree, a book that has always annoyed me.

A. wore lip gloss to school today for "twin day" along with black tshirts with horses on them with 3 of her friends. Oddly... she just got home and she is wheezing.

Nightmares

Apr. 15th, 2015 08:09 am
badgerbag: (Default)
Nightmares about pain. That was weird. My hands do hurt but not like in the dream.

mix tapes

Apr. 3rd, 2015 01:05 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
I made 2 playlists (one done, one still under construction)

I was thinking that I miss creating the physical objects: decorated, handwritten or printed cassette tape cases or cd sleeves. Making art as a computer image, well I have no practice at that and it also just doesn't seem like any fun. Hmmmmm. Also, I am making this in spotify so it would be a lot of effort to get all these songs in a format burnable on a cd. it would be nice if spotify had an "upload image" option for playlists!

Anyway, as I voyaged about looking for things for this (very poppy) mix, I discovered that I really like the group Vampire Weekend. passion pit is also good (less interesting rhythmically, but has a dreamy 80s new wave thing going on) I also enjoyed listenning to some Mac Miller.

I have consistent taste in liking songs that open quickly, vary their rhythmical structure, and while this is optional i like a lot of brass.... lyrics need not be perfectly applicable to the mood but it's nice if there is a good line or two. I ended up rejecting some songs because the lyrics turned out to be unexpectedly horrible once I read them.

I don't know what current music styles are even called. For a while I did go down a rat hole called "new american weird". I would like to figure out what the pop music with weird electronic noises in it, that isn't dubstep, might be called, if anything. Or if not electronic noises, something like, very bendy sounds and being slightly out of tune on purpose. (as in the song While I'm Alive by STRFKR) I would also like more like Tkay Maidza.

Music recs welcome!!

What are you listening to or exploring that is new to you?
badgerbag: (Default)
Can you think of examples of revenge porn that are pre-1996 or so? Pre-web? I feel like there must have been stuff like this on usenet or bbses. I can't think what it would have even been *called*, since revenge porn was a term I never heard till later. Simply "blackmail".... Or seen as an internet prank, with a frat-like tolerance of "uploading nudie pics of your ex girlfriend".
badgerbag: (Default)
Moomin is singing along to Janelle Monae songs and all is peaceful. <3
badgerbag: (Default)
I had like 3 nice days and now am weirdly ill again. Bah!!!!!

Reflux or something. allergies. i slept most of today. I keep just falling asleep. Can't walk around without coughing painfully. eating hurts. why! I hate this. It was nice out... at least I fell asleep in the sun a lot. its like i suddenly have painful bronchitis from ... stomach acid? not for the first time. Am taking Dexilant (which i've been on daily for like, a year) and drinking carafate to help with the pain. it barely helps.

July 2015

S M T W T F S
   1 234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 4th, 2015 03:18 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios