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Back from the zinefest etc.

I am reading the three issues of an extremely good zine, Moonroot, some of the best writing I've seen in a while. It's great. I highly recommend it! fucking excellent!!!!

http://moonroot.tumblr.com/

Wish I'd had more time to talk with the folks at their table but I had to scoot off and go to the panel/discussion.

OK.

Onwards.
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Leg not too good, ankle also, painkillering up to cab to the zine fest. I am on a panel at 3pm.

Not sure if I can make it to Oakland today but I will give it a good try.

zach came by to show me his new scooter hacks, which are amazing, and brought me a really big comfy foam cushioned seat back with a wood panel backing, for my travelscoot, which will be really good if I hack it down to half its size and bolt it nicely on. Or maybe a large amount of velcro backing and some sort of clip. It needs to be as portable as possible. i am super touched he brought it. The new hacks are a big power converter so his huge 35 amp hour batteries can now charge a car charger port mounted in the scooter side. There are also new speakers which he scavenged from noisebridge and mounted on the back in older looking cases so no one will steal them. they fit perfectly! soon to come, a microphone (xlr) jack so he can plug a mic straight into the scooter speakers.

hannah's board game party was fun yesterday. i feel glad to hold my friends close.

whales

Aug. 21st, 2014 10:26 pm
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Forgot to say that the whale watching was great. I was not seasick at all. I stood up a lot and felt quite at home!!!!
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Today I weighed up what I had to do and considered: no kids to care/shop/cook etc. for till the weekend, no meetings past 10am, work stress pretty low right now. It was sunny even in the early morning. This is what I have been waiting for all summer to go to the beach or basically, anywhere at all that isn't my usual haunts. I would like to use my bit of extra energy not to clean the house, do laundry, or shop or even go do physical therapy or go to the pain clinic. It is time for a Very Mild Adventure!

I plotted a little and then took the J and N to the beach, worked and had lunch from a cafe. The train wasn't too bad, though it took an hour. Lunch at Beachside (food not as nice as it looked, no wireless, but outside tables) Then worked from the Java hut or whatever it is, and then once it got really sunny scooted across the Great Highway and went up to where there is a sidewalk (opposite the windmill at the corner of Golden Gate Park).

I walked a little way into the sand next to some sand dunes thinking maybe i could establish myself in some way looking at the ocean.

Sand is good for challenging all your small different muscles in your ankles and knees. Like with the whale watching, I could feel things happening in my ankles that were exciting but scary. Either I'm re-damaging them in horrible ways, or I'm breaking adhesions or scar tissue in there deep down. I can move my ankles better in the last couple of weeks, bending them further up. and have been icing them at least twice a day (often all night)

I could not get very far into the sand and the beach is very huge. I thought how I am lucky to get to do this and felt congratulatory for at least getting to the beach twice this summer at all (once with the kids to Aquatic Park which is super easy access and narrow) and glad that I picked a good day that was sunny and warm. Then suddenly felt sad like I could not bear the pollyannaish being glad thing. It is true I am lucky and can feel appreciative and yet I also have the horrible thought every time I do something that maybe this is the best it gets and I will never get any further onto a beach, or with walking, or whatever, and everything will get more difficult. Still, whatever, right, because I am also lucky enough to cope well with it and have a ton of support, skills, privilege, job, etc. to make things extremely pleasant and easy. And, a month ago I could not have done this as I was still too exhausted and weak from not being able to eat/gastritis/esophagus or whatever it is. Fuck, 2 weeks ago I was also getting over a cold and was hapy just to be carted along on yatima's errand. (which was great... and took us to the presidio and beach side both... but i was decrepit.) So obviously I felt happy to be able to have an independent outing and my usual pride in being bad ass enough to go across town in my tiny scooter. Take that, FEAR. I felt in planning it that I was brave enough to do it because the scooter will fit into a car and I could call a taxi which woudl actually come get me, if I got so tired that taking two trains back was daunting or if I hurt myself by accident.

BUT I thought, well here I am alone at the beach in a desolate spot. No one is looking. Perhaps I could just have a brief cry about it all. I felt some grief and loss. I wished i could have been at the beach on the east coast where my family was a few weeks ago, and there would be beach roses instead of eternal west coast ice plant/sea fig. Everything would smell "right" and would be lovely though sad in other ways. Mostly I just wished I could climb around and run around in the sand and go down to the water and feel more free to explore as I very much like to do. I cried a bit for when we were at bean hollow last week with my dad and I couldn't go look at the tide pools with moomin though I really wanted to. At least he did what i told him and went without me and had a good long look at them on his own. OK. So I cried on the beach for 10 minutes and felt very self indulgent. I wished I could just be in a sad mood for the rest of the day. I thought how nice it would be to have a strong drink or be on the super duper drugs they shoot into my veins when I get my back injections. (I think some combo of valium and other things) Then I felt better and went back to the cafe and worked some more and got a VERY crowded train home.

I am still kind of weepy to be honest.

I plotted future trips and thought it would be nice to go out again but allow much more time, and go all the way up to cliff house and the nature center/overlook/gift shop/coffee bar just above Sutro baths. Or even further and scooter all along the walkways around the point whatever that is called which I haven't been on for years.

It was a tantalizing but not really satisfying beach trip.

I'd like to go to Moss Landing but have a magic dune buggy to go out along the beach and also be able to kayak through the slough there without hurting the hell out of my hands. Not sure if I could really do it anymore. Maybe in a tandem kayak. An could it be an invisible dune buggy so I could chill the fuck out and get in and out of my wheelchair without 800 people staring at me and stuff.

I talked a good long while with a guy whose mom had a stroke and has a jazzy, at the train platform behind the safeway. he was very nice and we discussed the intricacies of scootering. She needs a joystick controller really and more stabilty than a travelscoot but there could still be smaller powerchairs (she is small) that fold up. Also, an off duty muni driver at the java hut talked with me a while about his wife who has MS and another kind of large scooter that she has trouble fitting anywhere. She would like something more portable but insurance will not pay. She could handle or nearly handle something like my scooter. I got him to drive it around a little bit to try it out. Also, I talked with many, many other people from kids to surfers to random slightly limping older ladies who all liked the scooter and thought it looked cool and wished they had one to play with or get around better on. I should keep count. I always have slightly ambiguous grumpy feelings about the people who seem to approve of me extra because I take up less space and "look cool". Thanks but how about if I didn't, would you just hate on me or what. I try to take it as best as possible and I also utterly don't mind children who are like HOLY SHIT I MUST DRIVE THIS FUN TINY MOTOR TRICYCLE THING while their parents are scared I will be angry. Hahahhaa.

Day of Feelings!
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Feeling a bit better and I am able to eat more and walk around the house. Huzzah!

Not out of the woods yet but as long as I can actually eat, things are great.

When you stop eating things get scary kind of fast!

Random doc not actually useful; kept recommending naturopath, betaine hcl. She started the ball rolling to switch my stomach meds to some fancier one, and did some blood tests, which is fine. I didn't have a lot of expectations. I just wanted to establish contact and some sort of baseline reality because last time things went so badly.

I read The Stone Boatmen, The Savage Detectives, and a book about Korean court life and also some very stupid girls' boarding school books by Jean Webster (Just Patty) and Alta's memoir called "Momma" which was very good but a bit devastating. Stone Boatmen felt like a long strange dream. Good but won't be for everyone.

Played some MTG with Moomin.

I sat in the sun on the front porch yesterday and had the energy to start dusting off and sweeping under all the flowerpots with a little whisk broom, which I could do gradually and while sitting down next to the flowerpots. Several of them need repotting or other major care. Then I swept off all the leaves (though they are still on the stairs) Had giant allergy attack from having temerity to touch outdoor things. As usual.

I also fixed the garbage disposal, which was full of the remains of fish soup making the house pretty gross smelling. The nice plumber emailed me how to do it (unplug it; stick an allen wrench underneath in a little hole in the center of the disposal; turn the wrench till the motor turns with it and the whole thing un-jams; hit reset button)

Now my porch sitting spot is much more peaceful. I plan to inhabit it some more today. I would also like to clean off the desk (another thing I can do mostly sitting down)
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Sorry for the endless physical complaining. But here is some more.

I am only able to move around slowly and am sort of having to pause for breath. Like even sitting up or tring to get dressed. I went out to the doctor today (but it was the wrong day..... sucky) And coming up the stairs I had to actually pause at each step, going very slow already, and have an extra breath. I don't understand what that is from. it's like a sensation of pressure (in my chest and throat and sort of in my head, like a head rush) or like i'm going to faint. Maybe from gas in my stomach or some sort of swelling... like i can't get a deep enough breath? I could test this with a peak flow meter, maybe. Maybe it is like low blood pressure? am i not hydrated enough? It is not something I've experienced outside of these bouts of gastritis and reflux.

Reflux, pain, etc. I am still handling this without painkillers. So far.

The stomach pain is very intense and I feel like i am just sort of clutching my upper abdomen/chest and thing to keep it still when i move around.

today I had warm milk with condensed milk in it, yogurt, and a spoonful of hummus. I am not eating enough or really drinking enough either. How can I do more, I don't know. I am worried this can go downhill kind of fast. It already has. But I mean, more downhill. Last night I was like, ok realistically I'm not working this week. But I can't tell if I'm getting better and if i'll be working next week. I have to just be ok with that uncertainty.

Usually when stuck in bed I can at least do things like get up and water my plants. That is getting harder and harder. Not easier. Eating also not easier. I am about to lose the ability to put on my pants standing up.

oK, I have another dr. appt tomorrow with a doctor i've never seen. This will not do any good. What are they going to do. Probably a blood draw and refer to gastro doc. I would like to see a new gastroent. as my last one did not inspire confidence.

Food is so amazing to taste and stuff, I miss it, and would like to eat it. Two weeks ago I could eat a hamburger.... omg.. .hopefully I will magically heal from this again.
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Other than going to the drugstore I've been in bed for 3 days not even really walking around the house more than to get broth and juice. Napping a lot. I have to face up to, if bed and not talking or doing anything for the weekend didn't fix this I'm probably not going to be able to work this week. Must write to boss + coworkers. I don't want this -- I need to learn the stuff i was going to do and be responsible for this week. Anyway, i made a dr. appointment for Wednesday.

I am on 40mg of pantoprazole 2 tmies a day, zantac 150s twice a day, and some random amounts of Tums. Sipping on carafate when the reflux gets bad.

I have a big pillow under the head of my mattress wedging it up and 2-3 pillows so I am more upright. I can't tolerate that position all night (but have successfully avoided eating or drinking in the evening)

No painkillers since (I think) Tues. or Wednesday. If this keeps on much longer I will need some though. But I avoided them because I don't want to be annoyingly told that maybe this is all happening BECAUSE of painkillers.

Annoyingly I am achy from lying in bed but moving around/walking makes reflux worse and is basically painful (like my stomach/esophagus is being jolted around) so I can only walk in a slow shuffle.

fri. egg, milk, chicken broth
sat. egg, yogurt, yogurt drink. apple juice.
sun. egg, juice, spoonful of hummus

Despite this I have mostly kept in good cheer. Read more stupid Arthur Upfield books and another Phryne Fisher mystery, which was pretty terrible. Read Star Fraction and Stone Canal. Star Fraction was good though I got irked with some things. Stone Canal was irksome all through. Cassini Division might be a bit better (just starting it)

***
Monday: finished cassini division. halfway through Sky Road.
my sister came over... we got some groceries. I ate half a zucchini and an ice cream bar. (an improvement on endless yogurt)

Napping a lot. I can just doze off at any time. I wonder if there is any way they can actually figure out if this is immune/arthritis related or if it is just that my stomach is trashed from years of NSAIDs and will always be susceptible to gastritis?
How do people deal with actual ulcers ? I imagine they must be worse for pain.
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Not feeling well at all. My stomach started feeling weird by the end of the portland trip and then it's been not great all this week, starting to have reflux. But I was super active last weekend. Wednesday I felt optimistic it was getting better (I cut coffee out of my mornings) . Yesterday it was way worse and today I just don't want to eat at all because it hurts too much.

I think maybe too much coffee and stress and some alcohol is to blame...

I slept from maybe 10:30 last night to 8:30am, woke up to ahve meetings, then fell instantly back asleep

I ahve to make myself drink something now. I am readjusting my plans to just rest all weekend. I am a little worried, as it went very suddenly from "a little bit of reflux" to really not wanting to eat (or even drink) though I am very thirsty and have got to do it.
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The conferences were lovely!! I'm glad to be home! I'm hoping to have a super restful weekend and read a lot & not try to do EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

Bad night last night with pain like horrible nightmare state of pain and dozing and waking up to read my book then dozing off again.

All ending just fine though as I woke up and had some toast and coffee and tramadol in in bed, wrote a slapdash blog post, and a couple of hours later was fine... & off to the conference.

I had to go back to my hotel earlier than planned to return the scooter to the rental people who had come three times for it and had been calling me!

Train, portal hacking, airport, etc. all pretty smooth. It was a small plane with no jetway but it had a ramp instead of stairs. I got a push up the ramp. gorgeous views from the plane. SFO also went smoothly. I blew up like 10 portals on the way out and spotted another obvious ingress player.

Children! games! cat! fascinating gossip and links from zond7!

For casual (middle of night) reading I am on book 9 of these strangely interesting but very racist Australian mysteries from the 30s by Arthur Upfield. Basically his detective, who is mixed race white and aboriginal, is the most successful kick ass detective inspector of murders in the country and has a free rein to go work in whatever way he wants on interesting homicides. He visits every kind of australian region. The next to last one was about swordfishing and reefs which I thought of as "arthur upfield takes a vacation". The bits I like are basically the odd and kind of bad writing style , the history and slang (for whatever they reflect of the time) and trying to figure out what is even going on with the race and class stereotypes (like reading agatha christie).

Then I ran out of Upfields and moved on to Phryne Fisher mysteries which were written more recently but which are set in post-WWI australia. Book one is all about cocaine and illegal abortion but with long glorious descriptions of the rich flapper detective girl's outfits. The day she got off her cruise ship from england she changed outfits at least 5 times and then went off to buy an amazing designer dress with jet beads and mink trim which was bizarrely the sort of thing I would have written in my harry potter fanfic when I was 12 if I had been 12 at a possible time for doing that. I believe she also had a velvet cape and a little handbag with a tiny gun in it. The somewhat anachronistic bits are perfectly gratifying and also a great antidote to some of the gender politics in Upfield. (Though there is good stuff happening there too - fierce horseback riding wood chopping ranch women who smoke cigars etc. that balance out the cloyingly wholesome tea serving boring ones but even they always do something practical or have some work.)

I feel so relaxed now that I'm home and I woudl like to try not to work but I am worried about work anyway since I fell way behind.

To the trashy novels!!! and bed!

loaner

Jun. 25th, 2014 11:00 pm
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Tried out my new pain med sample and it is certainly effective. This is the good stuff. I'll sleep well tonight!!

<3
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I hit the end of my energy yesterday but took more tramadol and forged onward. Then to dinner with co-workers and back to the hotel by 10. I had nightmares and nasty allergies waking up and wanting to take painkillers (I didn't).

Staying in bed this morning, with lots of coffee, allergy meds, tylenol. maybe the rain makes me extra achy. despite the coffee I already could fall back asleep. 11am meeting then maybe a nap. I feel sad that conferences are basically too much for me to handle. maybe if I approach differently and leave them after half days, strictly enforcing rest in bed. that's what I'll do tomorrow. Tonight is hack night so I need to drag myself up by, say, 5pm and be mentally keen for a few hours. Then back to bed for me.
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Life is very good right now and extremely full. I'm appreciating it!!

Taking short breaks from work when I can to lie in the sun, read, eat some fruit, pet the cat, water my plants. It really helps keep me feeling grounded.

The kids are very gung-ho about the adventure camp (hiking, kayaking, paddleboarding, archery, sailing; one per day) Totally worth it for them feeling confident and independent! They are doing some of the laundry, making their own lunches, and a bit better about cleaning up -- i'm very proud. they are going to do archery camp next week while i'm out of town.

Work is intense and much more tied to a schedule and process, and other people's work and schedules depend on the things I am supposed to do, which has mostly not been true before and which I'm not sure I can sustain in the long run as a way of working. I'm fascinated, hypnotized, with the weird complicated processes and the way everyone has figured out how to work together. Like a giant somewhat organic machine. No one can see the whole of it and yet some of the people have been there evolving these processes from scratch.

I am not doing very well as an active mentor to interns but at least i am not horrible to anyone and people have a summer job to try out the field. But I wish I could do better.

thinknig about the kids some more, considering how many people don't get along in their families and how well they do, it's very lucky and they are also just really nice people at least to each other, at least when left in their natural habitat, endless minecraft.

we had a really good saturday in golden gate park and went on a little electric boat on the lake. lake, boat, birds, trees, AND several ingress portals. it was so nice just lying there having sandwiches with d. and relaxing and talking.

the rest of the weekend I worked like a dog on the br**ndoggle thing, thinking, well, I wish *this* were my job since I get super obsessive and want to keep researching and synthesizing & am willing to spend all this energy on it. My hands are still sore from typing. I think my aim is met that the depth of heinousness of it is now more widely known and it should serve as a good caution to what can happen from that kind of mentality. It is odd to see people reacting by saying "but no one SAID anything". That doesn't seem right as obviously people said PLENTY for like, 10 years of endless saying and writing and so on. All those zines! It's impressive. I imagine it is a bit like noisebridge-discuss. not SAYING things isn't the problem. But then how to act on it to make it stick. I don't see we've solved that particularly now, either (and in the EU rather the opposite with their right to be forgotten (fuck that))

#yourslipisshowing made me feel very fierce but I could barely look because I had to focus on work and have worked long hours.

Dinner last night with DU board + puzzlement and her tiny cute baby. Thinking too of my friend s. who is about to have her baby! mellow dinner on amelia's back patio!

I still have the steroid-injection energy but it is fading a little, and allergies coming back. booo allergies. wok up at 4:30 this morning chain-sneezing then spent hours dozing, sneezing, sinuses hurting, taking more and more allergy meds till it was time for work. i may try the nose spray corticosteroids yet again in desperation. it will be nice to sleep in a hotel for a week for freedom from 4am allergies.

My right hip (really sacroiliac) is kicking up the pain level. Must not tramadol my way through an entire week of the trip. No idea how to avoid it. i should have maybe looked harder for a hotel with a pool and sauna.

when i get back from the trip (which is going to be fun but obviously exhausting) D. is leaving the next day for Germany and the UK so it will be a little lonely but I will plan fun stuff to distract myself.... also resolving to take Moomin to hip hop class in the evening at least once a week.
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Not sure if I'm getting another cold or if this is some sort of arthritis flareup but I feel shivery and weird and keep falling asleep.

Ugh, the thought of all the work building up is bothering me.

Ordered instacart groceries & will have some broth and more toast after it arrives & after some more napping.
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Woke up to coffee, pastry, eggs, lively conversation in the lounge. I went off down State Street in the sunny weather with wiredferret to look in shop windows which turned quickly into buying two dresses and a shirt. Both dresses have pockets and are cute over jeans (at least in my mind).

Bought a truly amazing object to donate to the Tiptree auction: a purple sequinned cat face thong. The front is a cat face applique completely covered in sequins. The back part of the thong, or gstring, or whatever you call it, is a much tinier cat face. This is an important part of WisCon to document, so here is a link to the photo of the sparkling cat face thong: https://twitter.com/lizhenry/status/469924116951490560 If you think about this object, the beauty of it is that its wearer's pubic hair can be like the cat's whiskers! There were also misandry socks available at a different store.

Had lunch with wiredferret and skye at himal chuli. Discussed children, books, ailments, comic books, feminism, gossip, the con, our lives in general, work, etc. I have many book recs from people over the day, written in the back of my program booklet, which I'll type up tomorrow. skye and i walked up to the capitol building and came across what looked like maybe a choir performance. as we got nearer i realized it sounded like protest songs. Then, yes, they had tshirts and signs that proclaimed the the solidarity singers and were just starting the Internationale which I heartily sang. We got a songbook, or I did. It was like staunch lutherans singing hymns except, not; more like pete seeger would have been quite proud (and probably was) There were good musicians, excellent singers doing harmony & many old guys with beards and flannel shirts jumping around like crickets. And a couple of people in suits. They have been doing sing alongs of protest from noon to 1pm every weekday for the last 3 years at the capitol, sometimes in the building and sometimes outside. It was beautiful and amazing. By now they've been arrested so many times it's ridiculous and they are trying to make them all go to jury trials. Here is a sample arrest of a very small 80 year old lady with white hair and birkenstocks being handcuffed by looming police officers: http://host.madison.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/solidarity-singers-arrested-in-capitol-rotunda/article_81d72ba7-d127-5186-85bb-40b9104a7cbe.html Apparently it took several to subdue her singing "Oh Freedom" with the words changed to be about Wisconsin. Check out what one of her kids says about it: http://progressive.org/why-my-parents-got-arrested-in-madison Many WisCon folks were there supporting and singing. I had no idea this was a big thing though I remember when they started arresting people at the protests I did come back from last WisCon with a "Resist Tyranny" button that must be related.

Then off to the feminist utopias redux panel. We stirred up the surface of it but I didn't feel it went super deep. I'm inspired to go back and read/critique some of them now, which is a good thing.

Then the diversity in comics panel. I got to twittering hard in that because it was exciting.

Dinner at The Fountain with sparkymonster, skye, and therotund, fabulous company and conversation!

had a rest in the room with hypatia then went to have a drink in the lounge, long conv with janet L. about some YA fic (including Caught in Crystal and hexwood, her panel trouble with susans, read a fic of hers which was stunning, saw annalee briefly, then to the last half of the Reconciliation panel which was extremely good.

Then I was going to go to the parties quickly but instead ended up in the hotel bar (not drinking) talking with skud, jenn m.b., her friend buzz, arrate, timmi and tom. timmi telling stories of her early writing period in 1981-86 in louisiana for a couple of years of that writing long letters to people about things she observed out the window and just around town. we discussed problem of having many, many papers and letters and projects finished, abandoned, forgotten, unfinished, etc.

Maybe if I wake up early I will storify or otherwise record my twitter note taking here. twitter is not ideal but there are definitely people reading, entertained, informed and talking back so it's fun.

OK, i love wiscon, i love everyone, i am exhausted and running on fumes & painkiller already on day 1. must pace myself better tomorrow.
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Tylenol plain 600mg in morning.
Coffee.
I drove the car about 20 blocks to a storage place to see if it would be good for storing my stuff and having easy access to some of the books and papers. It is in shipping containers that you can drive up to. I think that's better for my convenience than a big "public storage" building with long hallways and elevators. I can go there without a wheelchair, even. It looks ok for working on sorting out papers and books. I will take the file cabinet, and buy big metal shelves to line the space with. My goal will then be to organize all the things and reduce the amount of stuff to move it into a smaller space asap, I guess.

1pm, tramadol. (i should have taken this much earlier. )
7pm, tylenol codeine (10 whatevers, not my usual 5mg bitten in half)
8pm cannabis oil on my ankles, little finger joints, and knees

Let's see if this gives me a little pain holiday for the evening. 10 mg of codeine is going to kick my ass.

I should go back to taking half a tramadol in morning, whole tramadol around noon, plain tylenol around 4pm, for a while.

The book on Rockefeller was good. Much more on the "capitalism ok" side than I usually read but I could see what the book was doing. Now reading "Oil, Culture, and Society in Venezuela: The Enduring Legacy". Both books are giving me interesting insight into the atmosphere my grandparents were in and what they did with their lives.

A.'s dance thing at school is tomorrow. I look forward to it!
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Just a little bit of status/complaining. I am feeling sharp and keen, busy and productive, and more active the last week or so, doing things like going out of the house more than once a day, or doing the laundry (ie up and down the stairs into the garage) But ending up in too much pain at night. I am trying a tramadol today (just now) to see if it gets me through the afternoon and into the evening a little better.

How will I get older and bear this amount of pain all the time?

I want a pain holiday for real. Right now, I would take all the drugs, not from a sharp severity of pain but from emotional exhaustion and being bored with pain in some many different places, that just doesn't quit.

Still, that's better than a worse pain in a couple places or even one place that stops me from thinking and working.

Maybe will try more morning/afternoon regular tramadol? This I think is where i'm *supposed* to be thinking, "I need better pain control", in a rational way, not "I wish I had all the morphine plus a drink and some cocaine plus some sort of body cocoon thing that cradles each joint and nerve, and was in free fall, or else that I was a brain in a jar, therefore I had better not take anything in case I become addicted", or "Oh, god, I give up", which is kind of what's going on in my mind lately.

Other than that things are going well. Work is intense but fun. Hackerspace good. Though i am not there enough.
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Of working really hard and it being hard but that it's ok because it's all things I've chosen.
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I'm freaking out with weird epiphanies while reading Ventus! It fits in with my theory of SFF as obsessed with and fighting over what we do with culture and knowledge! On the one side (the side of patriarchy and rock stars and conservatism) we have things like Dune, and Book of the New Sun, where a hero ingests and consumes knowledge and history, memory and the past and people (and, weirdly, the future) and becomes a powerful god. I consider this a grotesque imperial fantasy that sums up a lot of what is fucking wrong with this society! In opposition we have lots of feminist sff that dis-integrates without having to consume,incorporate, and re-synthesize everything into one person. I had a list of examples but can't think of them just now except for Bujold in Hallowed Hunt, but there are lots of examples of this rejection where instead of eating knowledge and reality and history, you acknowledge its separate life & existence. You respect the differentness of everything and have some perspective.... And can be in conversation. (A Grand Conversation, even!) A decentralized emphasis of consciousness (or individuality) (without being some sort of fascist same-y hive-mind.) So it is a model of consciousness and attitude towards how to think about history and culture, other people, and the future, and just plain being -- and of a way of constructing authorship. (The "Dune" model positions one person as "author", torturer, 'authority', detective, emperor, interrogator... with EVERYTHING ELSE as their subject).

(Also, in the Culture Wars sometimes I feel we demur about it being actually the Cultural Revolution and burning up of the past but it really kind of is, or comes out that way, or risks it.)

Anyway, I have been also enjoying Ventus as I consider it in the genre of anthropologists and rogue emissaries on medieval space worlds, like Enchantress from the STars or Ancient Light and its sequel. It fits nicely in that tradition too.

I had not thought about culture-eating until I hit this gorgeous bit with the crash landed anthropologist having a dream where her library is talking to her...
You have to make a choice," said the voice. "You woke us. Now you have to choose whether you want us to become a part of you, as memory, or whether you want us to become people, with whom you can speak."


OMG that is exactly it!!!!!!!!!!!!

i.e. you don't have to treat people like one thing and books, or robots, or animals (or other things, like dirt) in a different way, on some level of relation or .... expectingness of what you think you are as part of geography. I am now babbling. I hope this makes sense. It does in my head! That's what I try to write about in poems!

<3 <3 <3

Confused!

Apr. 23rd, 2014 07:34 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
I am doing a lot! Too much! Yet not enough.

Since Zond7 left Monday night I have suddenly degenerated from my smug routine, forget to eat meals, and there is laundry everywhere. somehow instead of writing extra poetry and living in a nice neat environment I have entered odd workaholic and not taking care of myself mode.

Weird! Instructive!

I think it is also the tramadol and extra coffee. Must fix that tomorrow.

Tea only after 1 cup of coffee, and no tramadol after .. umm..... 1pm?

I wrote to the EFF as i said i would, yesterday i did a fun zine reading thing at DU, I worked quite hard, went to all the meetings ever fucking invented, and hacked some portals whicih was super relaxing and fun, and grocery shopped.

i read from a funny old zine and a section from a newish poem that i think is nearly done.

Cannot do enough at work to feel like i'm on top of things or truly competent. HOw to limit things????? why do i keep on taking more responsiblity?

i do not want to burn out.

also i went to 2 doctor appointments which while not specially stressful or hard, and i went in a cab, were still stressful and hard.

i miss zond7 quite a lot!

i think i need to strictly enforce some hours off even if i can't take a whole day ... which i don't feel that i can....
badgerbag: (Default)
Did ok on my trip, but just ok. I also got through work today. And I wrote a blog post because it seemed like it had to be done. But now I'm totally done touching a keyboard. Exhausted, in pain, a bit fevery feeling all over. I have not managed to unpack yet. Moomin helped me put away clean laundry. Zond7 ordered us groceries and cleaned up and we have a helpful house cleaner coming tomorrow. I need serious rest.

Read The Goblin Emperor, which I highly recommend! OMG... more like this!

Also, Pen Pal by Francesca Forrest.

Both excellent!!!

August 2014

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