Apr. 26th, 2015

badgerbag: (Default)
This morning as many other mornings. 4 or 5am. I am in so much pain I don't want to move. Then I'm in so much pain I have to move. (repeat several dozen times) Perhaps if I get my neck in just the right position. No maybe some other position. Maybe with the blanket between my ankles and lying on my side. Read a bit. Cat is meowing. Smear some voltaren on my neck and ankles. And wrists and fingers. And knees. Get up and use the bathroom and drink some water and have a plain tylenol. Attempt to placate cat. (Unsuccessful) Fall back asleep. Dream about pain and waking up and go through entire thrashing-around and trying to meditate cycle. Read on kindle, doze off, read, doze.

Wake up and fidget some more. Toe-wiggling and experimental ankle flexes. Feeling that I can't stand the pain in neck and shoulder. I get up and take half a tramadol and a skelaxin (for neck and left foot spasms) and have some decaf tea on the couch and read. Thinking back on times when i had trouble even holding a book. Will it be like that? Is this going to be a day in bed? Have I screwed myself up? Am I going to cry? Will zond7 be mad at me for fucking myself up? Will Moomin be disappointed and find me a very boring person? Why is my neck so stiff from the extremely gentle swimming around, or the plane? Is it part of ankylosing spondilitis? Did I get some sort of disease on vacation? Am I going to miss work? I finally fall asleep for real.

10am. Coffee. More of my book (Journalist and the Murderer, which is excellent.) Feeling cautiously human. I am up. Feel that I can't stand smell of the house. Wash dishes. Sit on couch & sort through unpacking bags. Deep breath! I should not have coffee, not good for me, but it is so nice.

Moomin tells me his opinion of the Three Musketeers (ridiculous thugs, why does everyone think it is so jolly that they go around killing people? everyone in book is an asshole. He keeps laughing in outrage. There is a graphic novel of the book where they don't sound like such jerks. Weird! I agree with him. We make fun of soldiers, chivalry, people with swords, and people who think it's a fun idea to burn down someone's inn just for kicks.)

Moomin has done the laundry. zond7 still asleep (evidence of him having his own late night insomnia is around). I am lying down to rest feeling sore all over but encouraged that I had enough energy to walk around the house and be productive.

Feeling mad urge to try to blog about our entire trip. Too many thoughts! It was all lovely!

But I steadily took painkillers to be able to be active, thus, my suffering now.

Stance has got to be: take the painkillers now, don't go off them, but don't be overactive, either. Activity like cooking or dishwashing or tidying or watering plants, sit on front and back porch, don't try to go out for several more days. Naps crucial.

Goals for this week: get through work days at least to 3pm, get to PT on Wednesday to swim, eat nicely but frugally (no take-out), keep house tidy, be well enough to go to the movies with the kids and zond7 next Saturday. Sub goal of taking very minimal drugs by end of week (ie half a tramadol zero, once, or twice a day).

Must remember to put cat-proofed water and plain tylenol and a tramadol by the bed tonight so I don't go through that horrible cycle of nightmare feeling pain.

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