Aug. 17th, 2015

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Overwhelmed a bit at how many people want to come see me or have lunch or coffee etc or hang out. This is a good problem to have!!!!! But it is still overwhelming.

Beach vacation fabulous, sometimes frustrating as I wanted to do so much more than I could, but on the other hand it was hilariously just like my life here, but with frequent swimming, a golf cart, and daily house cleaning. We all woke up and read books or played games or whatever (me reading with coffee on the beach) There was some swimming, I had to nag the kids to put on sunscreen and eat and drink and pick up after themselves, and I would go off to the little grocery store to get food (daily) which was a treat for me. More swimming. Naps. Kids wilting in heat, more computering. Then we would wander somewhere and eat dinner.

I laid around on the porch, in bed, or on the beach lounge chairs a lot, reading my Black Panther Party books and thinking and writing poetry. elaine brown book (fascinating! intense!) Huey Newton's Revolutionary Suicide, also very good, but I feel kind of impatient/mad with them both tbh. Reading Kathleen Cleaver now and also George Jackson's prison letters and next I will read Ho Chi Minh's Prison Diaries (can't believe i have never come across this) And a book of Fannie lou Hamer's speeches.

I think this heavy reading is something of a response to the super bad level of books I was reading while sick. Could not tolerate much so was re-reading kids' books and things that I thought were kind of brainless and silly.

On the trip I got to kayak a bit with kayaks that were *right* next to our beach access spot. Very conveniently. I had a moment of self indulgent crying in the middle of the bay by myself because i felt so free and in control and powerful and wished I could always feel that way and get around on my own power.

So my trick has to be (i resolved) to take that feeling and transpose it (as I mostly do already) to whatever way I'm getting around. I also felt like this in the golf cart as i miss driving around in my car very much. I wondered also if this was the last time I would even be able to kayak like that or if I can still pull it off sometimes. I think I am not at the end of kayaking (though it really hurts my hands and I can't do it for long). Most opportunities I would have to do it are giant excursions and since I can only do it for like 10 or 20 minutes and not hours, that doesn't work.

It has to be some situation where I can get to kayaks myself, without help (or much help) and there is no fuss and I can stop whenever needed without inconveniencing anyone.

Torso still sore and I have realized I don't fit into my pants anyway. Hrmmm. Need new pants.

New poem which I am pretty happy with, and will read it this Saturday in Berkeley.

D.'s cat is pretty clearly dying at this point. she is also peeing all over the bathroom floor. we came home to a lake of (days worth) of pee. i washed it a bunch of times but I don't think even time and scrubbing will help because it soaked into the grout around the tiles. Bathroom will smell like pee forever until tiles are ripped up and floor re-done. I am sad and thinking of other cats gone who i loved very much. And death in general. However I am also just tackling the amount of work it is to nurse her and clean after her (food and pee, luckily just in the bathroom) and am fussing and making sure she eats a little bit many times a day. Maybe it is possible for her to rally but if not then I want her to be fussed over and comfortable and happy. I am worrying that if she pees on the bed I will be in hell and we will have to buy a new mattress so am considering buying a waterproof thing for the bed(s). Must think about what then happens when she dies ie what to do with cat body. We do have some dirt in the side yard, I think sufficient if we get a big shovel. But I am not sure, and it is very hard dirt. We are all petting and cuddling her. She seems to be happy.

My friend S.'s talk was great tonight and I was so happy to go "OUT". Thought about how much I liked going to things like this and then going to dinner with people to talk more intensely. Now this is usually just not wise for me to do. I miss it. It made me extra happy that so many women showed up and were talking, and that B. was there and liked the book. We are not actually particular friends but I like and admire her a lot.

A. liked her first day of school. Moomin's is tomorrow. I so feel for him with the amount of homework that is about to descend. Last year was ridiculous. Way more work than I ever did in college. I'm glad he has so much knowledge cramming into his brain though. He is a thinker! It is that he needs a bit more space to think and freedom to discuss. Hope he will find it. He is intensely following this webcomic right now which I need to fire up and read all of on the ipad (too hard to read on computer screen)

So this is to say that nothing is easy but life is very nice right now.

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