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[personal profile] badgerbag
I went to the mysterious store I have passed many times that has a motorcycle in the window and that I assumed was one of those sketchy skater "gear" shops. From my looking up True Facts about "vintage denim" etc. I realized it is a famous (??) jeans store where you get miracle fake work pants that are like leg magic once you break them in, which you do by wearing them for like 3 months without washing them. Soooo anyway I went into the shop which was a strange analogue of a skater tshirt shop and just as uncomfortable! There were velvet covered chairs and a desk for you to consult about your denim needs and a tiny dressing room and very neatly arranged jeans on iron spike tipped hangers (I am not making this part up, they were like as heavy as picking up a fireplace poker. But sharper)

The guy in the store picked out some of the not highest end jeans for me in 2 different sizes, and different weights (in ounces that seem to measure thickness of the fabric, like with reams of paper) and I absolutely did not fit in there. He didn't believe me but my thighs didnt allow those damn jeans to even get all the way up. 2 sizes up later (32s) he was like, come on out of there. I said, well, I really can't get them without lying down on the floor and sucking in my stomach but on the other hand I do have woolly long underwear on. He said it is just that they start out kind of stiff but they "give" as you wear them. Especially around the waist and the shrinking happens more lengthwise. Hrmmm.

Hilarity ensued as he tried to fasten the pants for me. I felt he was feeling some queer solidarity and was willing to wrestle me into the damn pants. Then he was like, Let me just get around behind you. Now you may imagine that would be a Hell No situation but actually it was more just funny. So if you picture this very neatly put together young man who was young enough to be my child, squashing my stomach into the jeans, from behind, and buttoning them. I felt like we were in the locker room in 1982 with some scary jordaches. Except also a reacharound.

The Iron Heart jeans actually looked quite nice on me as I was standing up. I liked the fit so he was correct, kind of. But they were super constrictive when I was sitting down. I couldn't imagine "breaking them in"!!! LIke I'd try it for 50 bucks but could really not spend $250 on jeans that hurt. LOL why!

I wanted to leave and go eat lunch at that point. If he had got me some 34 waist jeans I might have even bought them....

Entire thing very amusing. I had some quiche and went into another ridiculous shop, this one the sort that has strange presents, and bought a unicorn horn, a little bag, and flat survival tool thing for Milo to put in his wallet. The woman ringing me up said, "I'm zipping your survival tool into the battling narwhals bag. I truly never thought I would say those words together." My life is weird. The unicorn horn is glittery, and sort of like a stuffed animal style object, and on a black elastic that is nicely corded elastic so very comfortable to wear and it looks hilarious on me. I may add velcro to the bottom and a velcro spot on my scooter so my scooter can be a unicorn but the battling narwhals woman was of the opinion the horn would be more amazing on me.

The only sad part of this story is that if I had gone to these places in a different order, I could have had the $250 raw denim jeans reacharound buttonup WHILE WEARING A UNICORN HORN.

You're welcome!
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