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My mom just told me all about how she had this really painful toe and she realized it was messed up for over 10 years and that she was starting to limp and she went to 3 different doctors who recommended all kinds of massive interventions and then she went to her regular doctor, who told her she has high blood pressure and here is some meds for it, oh and by the way, is there anything that makes your toe feel better? My mom answered that her toe hurts more when she wears tight shoes or heels. "So don't do that. Only wear good shoes." And this worked like a charm.


Now if she would just stop smoking for realz wouldn't that be great?

So I wish I could just wear comfortable shoes and fix my problem so easy!

The pool was so great. I got really emotional. I have a hard time processing what is happening to me with all this no matter how well I sort of cope. What a fucking relief to be around some other disabled people. My god they were beautiful and I could just let my guard down a bit and also the humor rocks. nobody staring at me in THAT WAY or leaping to help me or making any idiotic judgments.

I swear to god i cannot pause for 5 seconds as i fumble for my wallet before some asshole pities me so hard I want to kill him..

Anyway the pool was great.

I could feel my leg was not going right, I could (just as years ago) feel that there was a right way to walk and a correct gait, and I"m not doing it. All the muscles stretched out. It is not the same as leg lifts in bed. Much better. Also, more painful, but often in a kind of okay way. My leg ached all down the nerve all day. But I felt like the spasms in my calf were not as bad as the past couple of weeks have been.

in the meantime i was not at all thinking of open source licensing as i should have been. i have so much to do. And I need to study the fucking history of the OSD but there is not really time. It's like i have to take a public exam and i don't have enough time to study.

Back to whiny details about my leg. My low back feels stretchy-different and so does my hip. I can feel now what I am doing wrong with my gait on land. Even when it seems like I'm walking "okay" around the house, it is not right!!! FUCK! So, I'll explain that to the physical therapist on Wed. and I might also line up some extra PT at the pool.

I met Diane who had spinal cord cancer and they were going to snip the cord but then decided to scrape it and hope. So 2 years later she can walk and cancer isn't back. she was around my age and nice. When i saw her walk on land she totally passes. But she only can do that and be in less pain by coming to the pool every day. She comes before work and then goes to work and they just know to expect her at 10:30 or so and they cut her some slack for having SPINE CANCER. This other chick, I met her mom mostly, she had front wheels that light up! holy fuck! WANT.

I didnt' make it to the rehab specialists store yet.

I wanted to cry the whole time i was at the pool sometimes with happiness at being around people. Sometimes (mostly, overwhelmingly) at how everything was so nice and accessible. like there were grab bars everywhere i could possibly want. and the dressing rooms and bathrooms all with curtains and all huge. It rocked.

There was a ramp down intot he pool. so if you were para you could transfer to the pool chairs. And then go down the ramp and just float off into the pool and strap into a sort of pool noodle harness.

I also cried because i felt freer in the water but also scary. I clung to the edge and was not sure how well i would be able to balance. Or how strong i would be. My body was lighter but balance strange.

And then the usual reasons of going round and round about my feelings and how scared i was to be disabled again and kind of accepting that I am, for now.

June 2017

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