Mar. 9th, 2015


Mar. 9th, 2015 08:56 pm
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Ada came home and was very excited about her new witchy things from some sort of pagan store; a tiny very sturdy cauldron, incense, a purple and a black candle, and a book on rituals. Within 3 minutes I heard all about it and she was in the back yard dressed in her ancient egypt robe from halloween two years ago when she dressed up at hatshepsut, singing.

Extremely cheering!

I gave her a little sage bundle that I had on the bookshelf with my milagro of a leg and strange embroidered brooch that has a spine on it and my interesting fossils and eno's beadwork and my pin from NASA and my great grandma's praying hands ceramic thing.

I decided to read all the Crown of Stars books over the next couple of days since they are now out as ebooks. The first one is interesting. I like coming to these for the first time after having read her later work. (fyi one of the main characters lives through some heinous and prolonged violence and rape and abuse so it is not a super cheerful book)

Asked D. to bring home fruit, chocolate, flowers, and salad and he did so I have nice flowers in the kitchen and by my bed.

I hung up some laundry that was draped over the bookshelf so there was not much bending over and helped clean off the kitchen counter.

I am still intermittently crying with rage and feeling all the feelings and very tired of myself. Completely sucktastic, scary pain.

It's like something kicked me hard in the low back. Horrible dull ache. Stabby sharp pain unpredictably when I move my legs/hips/back.

Wondering maybe if this means I should go back on enbrel. Dr. appt. next Monday.

Tomorrow if I feel able to stand up long enough to do it and stand in the shower i will re-bleach and purple my hair.

I need more doing-stuff-as-a-group at work; in theory that should happen every day but in practice it's like twice a week. I can learn a lot on my own but not the talking through things judgement of other people, which is what i need to be sure I'm in sync/consensus. Gathering up questions. I didn't feel very on top of things today or like i did enough. Friday I did enough for several of me so hopefully it evens out.

The tshirt I'm wearing is one I got in I think 1988, in Ireland, at the Guinness factory. I wonder if I have tshirts that are even older. This one is easy to date.

Other people are still interesting and also, very nice.

I missed eno a lot today and wished i could send her pics of interesting lotions and bright yarn and fancy glass beads and men with enormous muscles and ridiculous fanfic. I felt waves of love for all my friends who talk with me online.

I think I am also frustrated from thinking i would be creative this weekend and I was not and did nothing but read and do paperwork at the desk. I felt too horrible. Everything needs to slow down even more. I know if things got worse i would be thinking, oh if only things were like they were (right now) so I better appreciate it whatever it is.

Trying not to beat myself up for having a low moment.

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