badgerbag

Dream of a friend

Tue, 26 Jun 2018 03:52:30 GMT

I dreamed last night that I was talking with my friend Beth who died a couple of years ago. I think of her very fondly and was thinking about her because we last spent time together around Pride weekend watching the parade on TV with lquilter. In the dream we talked about her rats and she told me about death. Complicated things about her state of mind and whether you could decide you were ready to die or not (she thought so but also thought it was very hard to tell once you were getting close) I liked that she had ratties in the afterlife and gossiped about them and their funny personalities same as ever (seeming sometimes like we were chirpy, inquisitive fellow rats ourselves in our busy-ness and curiosity) There was a moment in the dream where I told her I was sorry I had not been a better friend to her after we kind of argued. She did not really say anything big back but just carried on gossiping. It seems funny that we still have a sort of relationship even so. I miss her.

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book meme!

Wed, 06 Jun 2018 01:02:43 GMT

nabbed from oracne

1. Favorite book from childhood.

I guess The Odyssey, or The Hobbit/LOTR if I can be that diffuse and with two answers.
Before reading those, maybe something like Robin Hood or the Arabian Nights condensed version -- or, I was extremely excited by various Andre Norton books.

2. Best bargain.
Those tiny handmade Cid Corman books I got at a professor's estate sale in college. She had some great stuff and I still wish I'd known her instead of just stumbling across her things when she died.

3. One with a blue cover.
My nice paperback copy of Songs of Innocence and Experience

4. Least favorite book by favorite author.

5. Doesn't belong to me.
That one book on military strategy called the End of the Bronze Age that Andy lent me at a party at his house.

6. The one I always give as a gift.
Kalila and Dimna

7. Forgot I owned it.
Cloud Atlas. Oops i still haven't read it either. It's on a high shelf!

8. Have more than one copy.
All the poetry books by me. Also Kalila and Dimna because I tend to loan out the paperback and keep the hardback for me. I also think there are a couple of copies of the Popul Vuh. And several translations of the same things if that also counts (Outlaws of the Marsh, Story of the Stone, Mahabharata)

9. Film or TV tie-in.
There is a copy of Moonraker and some other Ian Fleming books up on the shelf but I think they are Danny's.

10. Reminds me of someone I love.
The Twelve Caesars reminds me of Danny.

11. Secondhand bookshop gem.
Tiny 3-volume set of Anatomy of Melancholy

12. I pretend to have read it.
I don't really do this! Though I am often vague on details of things I've definitely read until I peek at them again and then it's like it unlocks a door.

13. Makes me laugh.

14. An old favorite.
The Great Escape which is a kids' picture book about an alligator in the sewers of NYC

15. Favorite fictional father.
This has never occurred to me to think about and I'm not sure I can be bothered.

16. Can't believe more people haven't read.
How to Suppress Women's Writing. The Palm-Wine Drinkard

17. Future classic.
Uhhh I dunno

18. Bought on a recommendation.
A lot of fantasy and sf and romance novels on my kindle

19. Still can't stop talking about it.
Happy Snak!

20. Favorite cover.
The hardback of Glass! Love!! Perpetual Motion!!! is pretty good.

21. Summer read.
Books are not seasonal so I refuse to answer out of pretentious orneriness

22. Out of print.
The Cook and the Carpenter

23. Made to read at school.
I am not sure I own anything I was made to read at school. Not counting college

24. Hooked me into reading.
25. Never finished it.

26. Should have sold more copies.
HAPPY SNAK

27. Want to be one of the characters.
I'd like to be in a Culture novel for sure. Maybe a matriarch in Laxdaela Saga

28. Bought at my fave independent bookshop.
Don't know but I do love Borderlands SF and buy books there!

29. The one I have reread most often.
Probably LOTR but the Protector of the Small series by Tamora Pierce is probably edging up on it

30. Would save if my house burned down.
Huh maybe my grandma's 3 volume Arabian Nights if it were here but it's in storage. I am not sure there is anything. I would save my binder of the zines I've made since they are not really replaceable and everything else probably is.

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Fabulous outing to the museum

Mon, 04 Jun 2018 15:47:21 GMT

So glad I went out yesterday. The hardest part was just the pain from vibration of the car. I was having serious regrets as soon as I was in the car since I couldn't stretch my right leg out straight and the knee kept sort of grinding. I had to hold it still and wished I had an ace bandage on it. Kept thinking, I will regret this stupidity, I should have stayed home, I can't even get myself to the corner store much less go on a long cab ride across town and sit up at a concert, what if I was on the path to recovery but will now slip back a week or more or end up in the Moon Boots or some other bad mobility consequence. And I have to steel myself to leave early. Instead everything turned out wonderfully!!!!

The concert was fabulous (Bach and Telemann concertos ) I've never been to the little theater inside the Legion of Honor museum before - it's amazing like being inside a weird wedding cake - and I liked the painting on the ceiling, “The Apotheosis of the California Soldier,” painted by Spanish artist Julio Villa y Prades. Think how extra amazing it would be if the freight elevators and basement hallways were also decorated beautifully with swirly angels on the wall around the elevator to lift it up... the pianist did some very bad joke/storytelling that was still charming like some sort of Toastmasters hour from hell and only tangential to the music and I wondered how he could play so well when he seems to have parkinsons or some other sort of shakes going on. All the musicians were good. Especially enjoyed the itty bitty trumpet for the 2nd brandenburg concerto & the long viola-dominant bits.

I was less decrepit than probably 1/4 or even 1/3 of the audience all shuffling slowly in with canes and trying to negotiate the mind and ankle bending curve of the theater's side entrances in low light. We were also definitely the youngest people in the entire theater. Watching people try to "help" was agonizing usually sons or daughters of the older folks there clutching onto the upper arm, which doesn't help and just throws someone frail and limping off balance, and won't help them if they start to fall! don't do that! offer your arm as a sturdy handrail instead and let the frail person set the pace! I felt for everyone upholding their dignity and independence with such difficulty and stubbornness. I am glad I have the skills I have developed, which will be so useful when I'm 85. Danny staunchly leaped around buttling my scooter and cane and offering up his chair by the door to someone on crutches who really could not see the slope. She moved during intermission so we got to sit together again.

Afterwards we just laid in the grass outside the Palace of the Legion of Honor. I so enjoy heading down a path at full (4mph) speed and barrelling onto the grass even for a few feet.... it is very convenient spot for it. We were lying on a gorgeous field of clover with birds hopping around us eating bugs (I tried to ignore that this meant we were lying on bugs ourselves.) A blackbird landed on my leg and just hung out staring at me for a while, weather was perfect, and some guy was playing classical Spanish guitar. We smoked some weed from our evil villain glowstick vaping pens (d's: pax re:lax, mine: humboldt/dosist arouse) and listened to the noodly guitar in the distance. I inhaled like a motherfucker.... to good effect.

I had that thing happen where I can suddenly feel the correct way to breathe deeply, my chest relaxes, air hits parts of my lungs which never seem to get it from some base layer of asthma tightness and hunching over, and slowly I make a lot of small adjustments to realign my spine and hips and relax little muscles. It is amazing, and i wish i could figure out how to do that all the time. At some point I fell gently asleep. At another point I wiggled a shoulder and things all popped and ... i don't know what happened but my shoulder was back and down the way that physical therapists and pilates people and etc. always seem to think I should be able to do, and I felt a rush of warmth in my hand and the pins and needles/ants/electricity thing didn't quite stop but was SO much less. Then I did it with the other shoulder.

In between my doing this (probably looking like a weird, writhing mess on the grassy lawn) we were talking about... somehow d. was explaining his ideas about martian cryonics and we were in perfect accord with our descriptions of different visions of the monumental art of the martian cryonics halls (my brainwave was that the richer and douchier you were, the more your head-frozen monument would be like fabulous burning man art, because your artist reputation would help encourage future generations to unfreeze you for being interesting, but danny pointed out it might work the other way since they would not want to ruin the amazing head-pedestal art)

I also watched some passing cargo ships and enjoyed the foghorn & ship horns....

Then home, with a cab going through golden gate park (i tried to get the driver to go 6 blocks out of our way to go down highway 1 so i could see the ocean, but he would not....) Still the park was beautiful too. I went straight to bed while danny walked up the street to shop & then cooked us steak, potatoes, and peas. It is hard for me to just let that happen without my doing anything but i butted out and accepted that someone else can just cook the dinner while I lie in bed and i don't have to contribute.

Read the 1st and 2nd book in A. M. Dellamonica's portal fantasy series this weekend -- it's great.

My knees were much less painful in the night. The times I woke up I kind of continued my spine-micro-adjusting to good effect. This morning, I can still breathe deeply. Not a magical cure, my knees are still very painful, but I can move them better and my low back and hips are not giving me that unstable, "grinding and popping" feeling.

Anyway, that was lucky and I need to set aside time to meditate and do my small pt/pilates exercises today, first time I've felt able to really do them in a couple of weeks. I feel hopeful about improving, which is good since I need to go to my office once this week, and also, have the day off and fancy dinner reservations for my birthday on Friday so I hope for another warm sunny day by the coast. (Maybe the museum again and then I could get a fancy present for myself too)

My other birthday presents will be renewing my woolly socks (smartwool margarita + saturn, plus an experimental darn tough pair with flowers). And, if I can I will combine my office visit this week with the Ferry building because I have had my eye on a fancy striped wood cutting board there.

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And a while before that

Sun, 03 Jun 2018 03:56:17 GMT

Going backwards in time in my book list:

Illuminae by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff - YA, a rogue mining colony attacked by an evil corporation, fleeing spaceships, zombie plague, rogue AI, nukes, teenage relationship, written entirely in emails and recovered secret agent report files. I liked it but also made fun of it relentlessly.

Every Tongue Got to Confess, and Barracoon by Zora Neale Hurston. Barracoon was very interesting - sad as hell for this man and his wife and children. I liked reading a bit more online about Africatown. Don't miss the footnotes and end notes of all sorts. I looked up so many things throughout the book (maps, any people or place names) and ended up ordering some used copies of dictionaries of african american slang (one from the 80s and one from later) after going on a weird research journey about how a running person (or, rabbit) goes "buckety-buck" or "buckety-buckety" and that it wasn't the first time I'd heard that before but the only context was from the U.S. south. And, my sudden realization was that it might be the source of the word "book" ie "let's book out of here". The earliest I could trace it with a little cursory digging was 1861 (the more shallow digging led to lots of wrong answers in fact some people claiming Hurston's use was the first in print.... ) Anyway, i'm not the only one to think it may be from a west african language and may also be related to boogie and bug out. I finally did find someone else with great research thinking along those lines.

Notes:

from Glocal English: The Changing Face and Forms of Nigerian English in a Global World
In A Dictionary of Africanisms: Contributions of Sub-Saharan Africa to the English Language, 1982 Dalgish claims boogie-woogie is of west african origin either hausa or mandingo. they are in different language families “buka” to beat or “buga”

African Heritage of American English, Holloway and Vass (1993) claim that boogie-woogie is an American English domestication fo the Bantu mbuki-mvuki, to take off in dance performance. My have hausa or Mandingo connections. But, no slave trade connections.

I really want to read Glocal English but it's super expensive and I have to go up an physically renew my library card & pay a fine before I can ILL it. The 2 dictionaries he mentions were cheap online and should get here this week. I am going to learn some interesting etymologies!!

Also read:
Hamilton's Battalion - A Trio of Romances. This was good!
Flowers of Vashnoi - Vorkosigan Saga. Also good. All too short.
On a recommendation, read through a bit of Dak To: America's Sky Soldeiers in South Vietnam, but it wasn't very good, just read like someone blatantly kissing the ass of their military buddies.
The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang. A good take on a kid going to magic school that is really horrible military boarding school (aren't they all) and then the horrible war. It is brutal. I liked that the teenage heroine didn't back down and is going down a hard road and did not magically make peace happen and everything was peachy. Uh spoilers it is not at all peachy.

Jade City - This was good but I got distracted from it and may try it again.

Happy Snak - best damn book ever. How did I miss it? Needs to be a cult classic. Needs more books in that world! I need more of Gaia and Wave!

That probably brings me back to the beginning of May.

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Books last week

Sun, 03 Jun 2018 03:10:53 GMT

Last week I read Amberlough and its sequel, which I originally bounced off hard but then on my 2nd try, loved a lot. It's about an alternate, well, sort of 1930 Paris or Vienna but not either one, modern & decadent & cosmopolitan, with fascism threatening. The characters are caught up in complicated states of being secret or double or triple or quadruple agents. I liked the ways that people speaking often didn't realize how some trivial detail or gossip for them was valuable, life changing, world changing information for someone else.

Also read several, well, many, books by KJ Charles in a weird binge.

I read through a bunch of kids' books that I picked up last week out of a free box. The best ones were Roller Skates by Ruth Sawyer - fabulous. And Gertie's Green Thumb by Catherine Dexter, which is about a girl who wishes her mom would throw the vacuum cleaner away & their house would be full of plants - the house is half destroyed as magic beautiful gardens of all kinds grow through it - an alligator and a moose move in - & it doesn't go horribly wrong - instead, they enjoy it.

Also The Glassblower's Children, a fairy tale with 2 children stuck in a horrible castle - Really good witches in this one & a one eyed Raven named WiseWit.

I stopped reading Nexus because someone nice but very tone deaf showed up to explain to me why i should not say terrible things about it (it is just a bit rapey of a book in a way that annoys me) And explaining as if I just could maybe not take its amazing intensity. Since I am notorious for reading the worst fucking things possible this was super super annoying and then the author showed up to explain some more that he is truly a nice person, compounding the stupidness of the conversation. I had another crack at it but after several more stupid sexist bits and more pointless rape as character development, tossed it. (I think where the now peace loving solider dude was extendedly remembering / empathizing with this dead woman's experiences but basically it was "her rapes" which defined her completely and badly and which existed just to teach him that war is hell. I guess he just couldn't figure that out before getting the mind meld nano drug operating system installed in his brain. OK! Next.

I have basically been in bed for a week and a half with a couple of trips out to go a few blocks away. The stairs are too hard for me to handle. Having problems with my knees, which don't want to bend, and I'm in a lot of pain. Very frustrating. I would like to be out and enjoying things but trying to just enjoy our nice witchy little cottage and my front porch and the cat and hanging out with Danny who is playing a lot of Fortnite.

I got a great snail mail letter this week from beth's daughter - about our stardew valley games. She is 8 or so and fun to play with - I am a farmhand on her farm, Rocky Ridge. she is quite good at battle and ruthlessly getting to the bottom of the mines.

Now reading 2 books depending on mood - Theodora Goss short stories, In the Forest of Forgetting - and Lives of the Most Eminent Painters by Giorgio Vasari, which showed up on my kindle because Danny downloaded or bought it.

I wish that I could go through the web interface to control and move around the contents of my kindle but no.... you can only remove a book permanently. Why is there no interface to do this in batches from the web. Alas. Very annoying to do them one by one from the Kindle itself.

My main blog is still broken and I hate FB as much as everyone else does so, hi.

Considering exporting FB posts and just slamming them into my WP blog. Or here. Why not both.

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The Saga of Cleaning Underneath All the Things

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 00:41:56 GMT

This weekend it became clear to me that there is a dead mouse in the kitchen, probably under an appliance. Zond7 moved the fridge. I swept and then crawled back there and scrubbed everything. Then swept some more.

Then the oven. I had to climb over the sink and lower myself into the hole where it belongs, like a caver. More sweeping and scrubbing including the really disgusting sides of the oven and the counter sides which were coated in sticky, dusty grime. More sweeping. Washed my hands a million times.

Then the dishwasher but we could not pull it out. Unscrewed the things. Tried again. Unscrewed more things. It came out partway. There is a big square empty space between it and the sink and wall (the corner, unused, underneath the granite countertop) The dead mouse smell clearly came from back there.

Took more allergy meds on top of what i already had taken, had a shower, decontaminated my clothing. Swept some fucking more.

Today the dishwasher and appliance repair guy came. He disconnected all the dishwasher hoses and pulled it out. Once more, I spelunked into a filthy hole. I came out with an asthma attack and no mouse. Returned to the hole with a tube of caulk to stop up the obvious gnawed mousehole. At that point, repair guy went under and did the caulking.

To the basement where I moved a lot of filthy boxes and the repair guy got all the change out of the washer where it was stuck and rattling around. Repair guy and I joked around. He crawled into an even filthier hole to look at the washer and dryer hookups. We arranged he will come back this week or next to lengthen some hoses and swap the washer and dryer so that finally now in the 5th year of living here the doors will not open in the wrong and conflicting direction to how they logically should open.

Showered, did more asthma meds, had half an ativan as I felt anxious and stressed. My hands hurt. I'm burned out and tired. Sort of burned on doing all the organizing and decision making for work, the house, the kids, and travel and basically everything. It's all good, and I'm enjoying myself, but I need some recuperation and a change of how this all works.

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Blood report

Fri, 15 Dec 2017 05:40:37 GMT

Doc today said the epic bleeding of dooooom is likely from the pills and I should not take them continuously because some people react like that to continuous hormones -- instead of suppressing the period it means you are always having it. So, I have to stop them, which means probably a difficult next few days of basically, a tidal wave and worse cramps. Maybe after I see Star Wars, because I would prefer to be able to leave the house without leaving footprints. Or, you know, tire tracks. Whatever, I'm not going to stop taking it till tomorrow night!!!! So, then a week off and then start taking them again (but in the more usual pattern of 3 weeks on, one week off.) Relieved to hear this opinion from a sensible, somewhat bohemian, non surgically focused gynecologist.

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A sufficiently entertaining day!

Wed, 08 Nov 2017 03:59:46 GMT

Bad pain last night from fibroids at least I assume that from the intensity of it and it being where it always is. I fell asleep on Danny's lap apparently though I don't remember it.

I worked hard all morning, listening happily to stuff from my old music collection, mostly Charles Wright & 103rd Watts Orchestra, then stared at maps for a while thinking of what to do with the afternoon. My doc appointment was at 4 and I could work somewhere nearby and maybe do an errand. That could be 7th and Irving-ish or the Castro or Church & Market. Ended up at the Hearth cafe in the Castro having extremely nice brunchy food. I like being there to look out the window and see the trains and people sitting in Jane Warner Plaza (one of my favorite places in the city). It is a very good idea to have bacon, avocado, and a poached egg on sweet potatoes. Though god knows they probably fried the sweet potato chunks in bacon fat.

So whenever I go to that neighborhood I try to think up a hardware store errand. There is always a hardware store errand waiting! I got some star washers to try out on the footrests of my scooter so they will stay raised when I'm on the bus. And, a roasting pan so I can cook the amazing sounding Turchetta (deboned turkey rolled up with duck fat and spices) that we're getting from the butcher shop for thanksgiving.

My other errand was bringing some old leather shorts and skirts and stuff that don't fit me to the consignment shop. I am still feeling the pangs from parting with my perfectly smooth thin leather hot pants with the purple stripes down the side, fancy zipper hardware, 2 snaps at the waistband which is always a good thing, perfect pockets.... Ahhhhh well. I took a picture of them and thanked them for their service. The guy at the counter started laughing as I was in the dressing room trying on pants. "Guess what I found in the pockets....." I came out with some pretty nice fitting pants on. "????" And he handed me a tiny handcuff key. Heheheheh! I put it on my keychain in honor of whatever fun times it and the shorts brought me.

Now I have leather pants that fit me (with hilarious zippers that go all the way up the sides) and a nice leather jacket. I have not quite persuaded myself to part with my old leather motorcycle jacket from the 80s. The one I got is great and instantly felt like "me". It has extra lines or pieces or something across the shoulders, so it has a complicated yet vaguely functional look, and is slightly too big in a pleasing way. It would be nice to make the sleeves shorter. It isn't padded or thick so moving around in it feels good and there's room for the 2-3 shirts, sweater, hoodie, and scarf I would likely be wearing under it in the winter. IN the jacket I was thinking that I now look like a nice older butchy woman who I might have tried to hang out with while adorned in purple twink-pants but who would have condescended slightly or shown too much gallantry and now maybe I won't attract that annoying gallantry, which would be nice.

People kept chatting with me all over the neighborhood.... And then again at the train platform as some drivers were having their dinner break in the sun.

At the hospital there's an amazing view of the north side of the city from the bridge and further west of it & over to downtown. Not something I normally see! The doctor was nice. I am attracted to the idea of a uterine artery embolization but also terrified. I'm in fairly bad pain right now. Catheter in my femoral artery & plastic beads painfully killing off these fibroids.... scary. I also hate being in the hospital especially if they don't set you up to disconnect yourself from the IV or take an IV pole with you to the bathroom. The doc said part of why I have to pee all the time is because the fibroids are big.... So, I'm going to wait a couple more months, continue low dose BC pills, and if I want to get this done I can just call her and schedule it.

What if something goes wrong with it and I regret wimping out on the pain and doing the thing? What if my body is then weirdly polluted with roaming plastic microbeads?!

zond7 likes my new jacket...

Took 2 trains home again (in pain). Now ready to have the rest of this beer & watch some sort of AI documentary which zond7 has been wanting to watch.

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More booky thoughts

Sun, 22 Oct 2017 04:49:32 GMT

Moomin ranting tonight a bit (charmingly) about wishing his class was broader than just European fairy tales but he also appreciates that it is focused and grounded in particular history.

I was thinking how I came up against that wall around the same age, a bit earlier, and went looking for "world" stuff or just anything not English, US based, "western culture" wanting to see anything possible. Anthologies were good or looking by specific country or ethnicity. I would root through any library or bookstore. Encyclopedias too. The indexes of books were super instructive. It took just years for me to have any real handle on the depth of the problems of histories but it was clear from the beginning that A LOT WAS WRONG. I didn't go into that (right now it is better if I listen to him than talk about my own thoughts)

Anyway! I'm so, so proud of Moomin and his excitement about scholarly things. I feel like no matter what he does in life he will have that kind of love of books and knowledge and stories.

He also really loved Gilgamesh so I am going to show him those awesome debates online between Hoe and Plough, Fish and Bird, etc.

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Mermaid points

Sat, 21 Oct 2017 23:27:55 GMT

Moomin convinced me that the HCA Little Mermaid story is actually amazing because she just feels her feelings but isn't an asshole, doesn't get married, and becomes foam on the sea and an air spirit who helps people so basically her story NEVER ENDS and she is a SUPERHERO who flies around with air powers, doing good in the world! I started out with the complete opposite point of view on this story.

Also when he said he thought of me in relation to her feeling like she is walking on knives..... i actually think of that sometimes so that kind of touched me.

He is also reading Gilgamesh and some Bible stuff for philosophy class and seems to be keeping up in his other math class! So nice to have him here even for a day. <3

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No excuses every day

Thu, 19 Oct 2017 16:45:47 GMT

Cannot quite work up the oomph to fix my various Wordpress problems.
Yesterday was a nice office day, tho my face still hurt I had a good afternoon there.
The smoke blew away from here over night and now it's foggy and rainy. I can't find my face mask.

I'm on 100mg neurontin at night for the face nerve pain from shingles. Taking it at 7pm isn't quite early enough (i am still groggy and weird feeling now) I'd like to go off it by the end of next week or decrease the dosage. My face really hurts..... and is cold sensitive. I need one of those microwaveable pillows.... my old one got moldy I think. the actual heating pad is huge (the size of my entire back) and rough textured. My eye is twitching.... it feels tired. I guess all the muscles around my painful face are tensing up. The skin is not too bad now but the pain has moved to a deep ache in my jaw like a toothache.

Working in little fits & starts on my new writing project (a novel)

Actual work still looming though right now I have a little bit of a break. (mid cycle, no dot release so far for 56, the lull before a big push to release 57)

Nazi rally in Gainesville is pissing me off. Hundreds of cops mobilized for this bullshit. It just helps militarize the situation even more.

Reading - Squirrel Girl novel, which was beautiful! Last night read The Lucky Stiff by Craig Rice and this morning The Fourth Postman. Hardboiled detective. But also funny! Craig Rice is Georgiana Craig.

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Fads of youth

Wed, 21 Jun 2017 16:27:49 GMT

I was thinking last night of fads. In the 70s I had an official "Pet Rock" which I loved. The manual on care and training of Pet Rocks was very amusingly written (at least to my 7 year old mind). Pet Rocks were particularly great at learning to "stay" and "play dead". It came in a little carton full of straw with the manual and I think, a leash.

My dad was a good model for how to gently enjoy human absurdity and I remember him being super entertained by the pet rock and playing along with it super well.

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Heat regulation

Mon, 19 Jun 2017 02:40:58 GMT

First super super hot day here. If tomorrow will be like this I need to find the fan in the garage.

I just shaved about a pound of side hair off (it is thick) and have put it in the worm bin. Good compost aeration! And, felt happy I had cleaned and organized the closet weeks ago as I easily found my little box of house dresses.

I'm wearing this amazing reversible soft linen sleeveless dress, with a pocket for my handkerchief, that I got from Flax on skud's recommendation a few years ago (converting me fervently to linen) And my hair has been up in a top of the head ponytail all day (now much more effective with the side hair shaved off.) I think of skud affectionately whenever I wear this amazing dress (maroon on one side and lavender on the other). The pocket handkerchief is daintily printed with violets. I ironed it the other day, as I enjoy doing.

Now you know everything. All my secrets. Dresses, ironing, and the fact that I have that chicken yodeling song stuck in my head.

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Experimental notebook transfer

Sun, 18 Jun 2017 21:05:48 GMT

So out of the habit of blogging. The back injection was harder to take this time than usual (I think) Thursday is very fuzzy - I barely remember it after I got home. Dossie brought me to the pain clinic and I do remember them giving me an extra dose of whatever it was into the vein, as I was cussing and had trouble staying still for the needle. The clinic is trying a new thing where they play you music on request during a procedure so I asked for Bach. How do you spell it? Nurse very puzzled. Then the one thing I remember other than Dr. Pham telling the resident, You have no idea what is about to happen here and me laughing and then cussing my head off. In the middle of it as I got calm, exclaiming, "Oh, Brandenburg Concerto number 3" and feeling clever to have any brain cells at all.

I can't actually remember getting in the car or getting home at all but I believe Dossie must have got here and then Milo was here as well so.... ?

Not sure if it is worth it. Some times I feel better immediately but this time I have been in an annoying (semi incapacitating) level of pain at the injection sites from Thursday to Saturday. I had to skip a nice board game birthday party and a punk rock history movie. Very quiet weekend alone. Rosa came over for tea and to pick up some things - I haven't seen her in a while. I am somewhat functional but in small bits and without bending over much. The quiet weekend has meant I am more than caught up on tidying up after myself and other people. When that happens I can make inroads on the accumulated disorder. We need to get rid of some books. Also, I think the anesthetic and sedative and steroids together made me feel strange, brainless, aimless, exhausted.

Today has been better. I went up the hill to Pinhole cafe and went through some bits of 3 different notebooks. I tried to copy any worthwhile bits out of the big black moleskine one from December into the 2 new ones, especially working on the Andromeda and Venus poems. I am fairly happy with the first bit, have lots of the 2nd, some of the 3rd but it is not quite coalesced and something to #4. Nothing on 5 (Maybe?) But the structure is more clear to me. I wrote some new snippets and copied over other parts. Found the notes I took in my lap at the actual dance performance that it's about.

Horrors when I was on my way to Dossie's office Tues. evening and realized there was NO NOTEBOOKS WTF. I got a substandard one in the walgreens (nothing else open) So here is my entry from it before I tear out the pages and pass the unsuitable notebook on. (I am too fussy, but I don't like a yucky feeling cover, or a size too small with binding too tight, as I can't think on paper well without wider space)

>>> Lovely jcab driver named Yosief from Eritrea a poet who used to write for the newspapers. We talked about the route and the pleasure of driving around to random places following where someone else wants to go (better than seeing nothing in a 7-11 as he was at first and no one would talk with him) It is other people's choices. We admired Glen Park Canyon as we drove up the street alongside.

His family's place in Eritrea is very beautiful with trees with fruit of all kinds, grapes, plums, and their neighbor had cows so they would trade for milk. The family thought of expanding the house but it would have meant cutting down some of the fruit trees so they had a big family meeting and decided not to. He feels like trees with fruit almost have a soul. You have to respect them. I added you feel connected to the land when you eat something you know comes right from it that you grew and picked.

He described how Trump is just like the dictator in Eritrea , how they fought for independence but then got a dictator for 26 years no better than before. America is supposed to be for disagreeing and discussing anything you want without hate. He has a picture he cut out from the paper of Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner kissing each other on the cheek and shaking hands which he framed and put on the wall as it is the spirit of America that they completely disagree but can at least act friendly. But now maybe things are going bad and we can't think that we are immune from society falling apart. It can happen here, and the rich and greedy are the same everywhere, they only want power and they don't care what happens otherwise. He has to call up his family and tell them everything about politics, and they try to protect him by telling him it will be OK... because they know he's sensitive.

In case you can't tell this was all completely charming and I told him how I am also a poet and translator and about Carmen's book and said we should email and send poems. I went to write down my email and realized NO NOTEBOOK and not a scrap of paper on me. This never happens! How embarrassing just when I claimed to be a writer! He put his email into my phone but then i accidentally thought i lost it when I closed the email app. But! Found it! Now, he wonders if I will help him translate a poem? I may do this (counting on no misunderstanding about a meetup)

>>>
My plan was to hang out in pt. reyes town and write and work on poems while D. was at her appointment but no notebook. I can likely buy a decent one there in the bookstore.

Middle section of poem cycle as visual play across page with form? In a cleft or split going vertically for the structural supports. Too much? Or better have it underpin every page or some pages running through the whole thing as the supports should be 100% visible. Rodin's anatomical studies for those guys in the village (aldermen?). So, either that or 3rd section would be ramp/cleft/structure and 4th would be naiads.

Thinking of the free play across the page that I admire. The comical woman crossing the atlantic communist poem, Elvira H. Carta de viaje - more free and far-ranging. That space & far-ranging wide freedom has to underpin the entire Descent cycle. Consider also American Air (together with carta de viaje, atlantic, ibarbourou atlantic poems, in its own little book?)

Note, add Florentino book to ebook list for Burn This Press. Nearly forgot it.

>>>
Punchline of this is that a day later I found one of the 3 notebooks at the very bottom of my big backpack. So was able to work after all, with notes.

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School accessibility

Fri, 28 Apr 2017 18:27:13 GMT

To get in and out of the high school yesterday there was a locked door, a locked elevator, then another locked elevator, then a locked door leading to a ramp to a gate with a locked padlock.

There was one security guard from the district to run around doing the unlocking and he was mostly wrong about everything (I don't think he works specifically at that school.)

I wrote to ask how they normally handle access (cc-ing the district accessibility coordinator) And got the answer that during the school day they have someone stationed on each floor by the elevator. (I can't picture that is really true... maybe between classes though.)

And, apparently there was a buzzer and intercom but we missed seeing it. (Or, I missed it anyway)

Steeling myself for it just always being awkward. At least elevator wasn't also the mop closet!

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Many deep questions about Star Trek

Sun, 18 Sep 2016 04:00:25 GMT

Watched "Where No Man Has Gone Before" on the wall with the new projector! OMG!

Notes:

Massively shiny velour shirts!

Cannot remember how my perceptions must have changed from watching this till age 10 on a tiny black and white TV. Maybe saw color stills and just... in my mind my memories of it are in color! But they can't have been.

They carry around little stacks of what look exactly like bright colored 1990s floppy disks. Kirk has some on the bridge on the edge of his command chair, and they have them in sick bay, and everyone has their own stacks in different colors in the conference room. They have sort of built in ipads in the desk.

I adore the giant lithium power packs!

The psychiatrist, Dr. Dehner, is wearing pants. Yay, pants! Hilarious space purse on a big strap. The doctor (not McCoy yet) has both a giant leather space briefcase and a leather tool box on a strap.

The scene where Kelso gets strangled by the giant cable really was familiar. Once the cable started to move I remembered being impressed by that scene when I was fairly small.

It did not seem to occur to Dr. Dehner (even though I kept screaming it to her) that it was up to her and her mighty ESP equipped womb to bear the entire new race of Esper gods! It didn't occur to Kirk either!

Everyone is very into the constant racist aggressions on Spock! I know that only gets worse, too.

Can't wait to rewatch the whole original series... in order.... well rough order anyway.

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Exhausted to the bone

Sat, 17 Sep 2016 22:32:00 GMT

Deeply exhausted. Pep talking myself and asking zond7 to tell me reassuring things.
Last week I made the call at work to delay the release and then things got a bit better and caught up, and were looking good. But then Thurs. early afternoon this big old security issue drama unfolded (not really a drama, but oddly hooked into existing drama situation). Other stuff kept popping up in demanding ways. I did feel kind of happy that my friend is now running some things in another department, and I was able to support her reasonbly well and am also just like so glad she is incredibly capable and a good leader for that area. I also said no to many other things/teams who wanted a thing that is impossible.

Yesterday was long and draining. I had to wake up this morning and work a bunch. Then MORE things came up. I wrote a half assed email to deal with the more things, and cced people so that if it is overly half assed, one of them will correct it. (Also, so that the others who are newer can know the sort of thing you should do, even if my email isn't the best example of its kind).

Went to the cafe with Milo and caught pokemons and had a bagel and I finished the 3rd draft of one more poem. Then he went off to catch the bus to his dance class. (Popping..... he is learning a lot)

I tried to work further on the translation and kept realizing I was just staring off into space.

Then as I looked at what was left realized I left out 2 solid pages of a dense prose poem right near the end. It is about Nixon and Elvis, Vietnam and probably also about pinochet somehow. Fuck!!!!! OK. deep breaths!

Grocery shopped and got extra groceries for my friend. I am worried about him.

Exchanged messages with Mars woman who came up to me in the restaurant last night and we agreed to meet some time soon. Maybe I will have a nice local poet friend? I need poets to babble with.

I felt sort of despairing but then came home to lie in the sun in the flowery back patio with zond7 and the cat. I also sat on the side path and did some very minor weeding and watered the plants. All like, 100 times what I was able to do even a week ago!

But my overwhelming feeling is of sadness and failure like, "I should be able to crank at this translation for at least half a day.... if not all day... like 8 hours of work". Despite all evidence to the contrary that I have never, ever done this and have max 3 hours translating/poeting in me at the best of times.

Something about it being 1pm and you realize you have nothing left of energy!

I am resting and enjoying the day! I am nurturing myself and being nice to myself and I get to live in this nice place. Not beating myself up for not finishing the translation project.

I would like to ship the work stuff and have some feeling of relief, and I'd like to not have this book hanging over me. 10 more pages or thereabouts.

I emailed the editor what I have so far (just past the long airplane poem). Oh, god! I hope he doesn't hate it! It all feels kind of clumsy and in my usual M.O. I know it would take me ANOTHER YEAR at this pace to feel happy with it. At least 6 months. I need to look at 1 poem per day and like, meditate on them and let them cook. Also i have so many questions and uncertain bits. Oh, my god.

Super hoping I dont have to get together & ship another build at work (not inherently hard, but hard because it is the weekend and it's a process across several teams). now, on the other hand, I am proud both that I called the delay when I thought we needed it, and that I am capable of hustling (and getting everyone else to hustle, i hope only when necessary.)

I may have it in me to cook some dinner.... Actually that is amazing as a week ago I could not stand up to brush my teeth....

I think I am also having some withdrawal emotions/shakiness from the prednisone (day 2 off of it completely)

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Dream with a friend

Mon, 29 Aug 2016 15:14:51 GMT

Stuck in bed this weekend, brief outings to back yard. I can't put much weight on my right (bad) leg from sciatica style pain running down from the back. But, different than many other times as the main concentration is in my foot and side/back of the calf rather than stabby in the low back or pelvis. Coping OK after the first day of it.

brainwane was in my dream last night. I had just launched another beta of Firefox (which i am actually in the middle of twice a week in real life, thanks, literal dreams). We were hanging out in her driveway overlooking a canal with little boats in it, talking deeply about things. She had the same scooter as me for some reason. I suddenly realized my beta release had a giant crash caused by a mixed content policy bug I had just uplifted before the build. So in the dream I was going "hang on brainwane I want to hear this story but I just have to email (*specific person who actually exists and works on that project*) about the bug and turn off updates. Typing behaved in the wonky way it does in dreams but I managed to read the bug and send the email!! I think it is hilarious that I dreamed about the feelings of regret of having accepted a patch for uplift without requiring enough testing beforehand in late beta. ok, my brain.... !

Then we went inside to cook dinner together and I folded some loads of her laundry on the couch as we kept talking. It was very cozy and domestic. Can't remember what we were rambling about though.

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Pain hits

Fri, 19 Aug 2016 01:49:49 GMT

Pain kicking in big time, ankles, knees mostly. I am definitely glad I stayed moving very gently in the pool and didn't get vigorous or go any longer than 30 min.

Anyway pain and I will lie still, do some cbd stuff, and put on ice packs.

I still feel invigorated on some level, and happy.

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Sunny morning

Sun, 07 Aug 2016 20:09:52 GMT

I had a quiet morning, digested my one piece of toast reasonably well, and felt more energetic. Washed dishes, was able to bend over and deal with the dishwasher ok, which was exciting. I chatted with someone about riot grrrl stuff and felt inspired. Now kind of crashing out though after trying to eat lunch. 1/4 cup of congree.... An hour ago and it still hurts.

I am ready to try some salad though. Fish and salad, soon! And I want to go out and sit in the sun for a little while.

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On the mend

Sat, 06 Aug 2016 03:51:38 GMT

Bitching about health. You are warned!

Sick all week with weird stomach ailment that seems to just be about everything hurting and being inflamed. Same thing as other times. Starts with vague bloated feeling, becomes bad pain in lower right with strong memories of what ectopic pregnancy feels like (making me worry about appendicitis) Super strong nausea and no appetite. At worst I am not feeling able to really breathe right. sorry this truly sounds weird. That only lasted about a day though.

Then it all sort of shifts a few days into it and I get reflux when I drink or try to eat. I can only drink half a cup at a time and have to stay sitting upright, which is hard because I'm also exhausted. Food since Sunday noon, most of it yesterday and today: Scattered handfuls of blueberries. Half a cup of chicken noodle soup. Two pieces of toast with a scrape of jam. About a cup and a half of congee with shredded chicken and 2 packets of seaweed snacks. The congee really keeps me going I think.

After I eat anything it hurts. I guess this is the "plain old gastritis" phase where the rest of me is ok but my stomach is inflamed. Walking or doing anything that jolts me (such as riding my scooter or in theory, going in a car) hurts very much. It's like a painful brick where my stomach used to be.

I haven't been working or leaving the house. I tried today, going 2 blocks to cafe st. jorge, but had to drive my scooter very slowly, and by the time I got there was ready to go home. Left Moomin there with lunch and came slowly back. Dizzy and ready to just stay still in bed some more.

It helps a lot once I eat or drink (in tiny amounts), not to move (or move very slowly) for an hour or so.

It helps to meditate and breathe deeply and relax my ... i don't know what it is.. maybe my diaphragm. Anyway whatever that is it helps with the pain a lot.

I doze off asleep often, which is not usual for me. Napping helps a lot. Even trying to nap helps.

Nights were bad but have gotten much better. I am mostly sleeping through the night now with a 4-5am hour of sitting up on the couch with a book and kleenex and allergy medicine.

Today I had more energy and did some very minor house chores. I cleared off the counter to the sink and trash (something that requires no steps - small kitchen) and wiped it clean nicely. Satisfying! And I folded a load of laundry. I have been able to keep my bedside area of the room (really the only area of the room... it's very small room!) tidy.

It has gotten better many times and I trust it will again!

It always seems to me like "other people" have some problem similar and they are not felled for a week or weeks.... Maybe they are, but I never hear about it.

D. stayed home the first half of the week, which made everything a lot easier for me. Many times I get sick and no one does the domestic work (not casting any aspersions... just, that's how it is) I tend to get a bit stressed at things being This time D. did all the things I would normally do shopping, laundry, trash, cat box, just whatever Moomin did a lot of laundry, made himself frozen dinners and omelets, dealt with the trash bins and swept the front sidewalk nicely at my request. He shopped for his own dinner and cooked it tonight.

Still, a hard week and I can tell i'm not going to be instantly back in action by Monday even if I will be back at work. "My" firefox version is in beta now, which is a stressful 6 week phase of the job and the rest of my team has had to cover me this week (and the 2 weeks before while I was on vacation). I may not be fully able to do stuff by Monday but I want to try. Partly because the more control I have during that final 6 weeks, the better (and easier) as I have to hold a lot of information in my head and track a lot of things. I will need to run some meetings which is the part I feel least up to and I also really don't want to deal with any sudden conflicts. What I may be able to do is draw a hard stop each day, and also declare that anything that doesn't make my deadlines is just too bad. (For any situations where I can't or shouldn't say no, I could try to arrange to have extra backup.) We will see.

Also looming I have a back injection (steroids in sacroiliac) next Wednesday. The thought of the usual mild systemic boost I get from that makes me wonder if it woudl help my general inflammation. Though actually eating prednisone is probably the opposite of what one should do since it would trash your stomach.... I don't know. I would also miss that day of work. I could postpone it another month or two.

Meanwhile, while sick in bed, I have been playing one of the Glitch re-makes, Children of Ur. And then I started writing its newspaper. http://childrenofur.com/forums/thread?id=211
That's how I can really tell I'm doing a bit better!

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Mary Jane my chiropractor

Sun, 03 Jul 2016 19:15:08 GMT

Yesterday I had a very hard day as something had set off persistent spasms in my left leg and back. It started at the opera when the back of my left thigh cramped, then my upper butt/low back area, then up around my neck and by the next day both sides of my sacroiliac were in a bad state, both legs and arms/hands buzzing and tingling. Entire back just felt wrong as hell. A muscle relaxant did nothing. I did lots of little garden tasks being careful not to overstrain muscles on the theory that small bursts of activity and moving around would help. In between, laid in bed reading things, stretching gently, and feeling weepy.

In desperation around 10pm I remembered the time that I had a bite of cannabis cookie and then for 3 or 4 hours was unable to do anything else but lie flat on my back making small micro-relaxations and stretches fully experiencing the heinousness that is my spine, but afterwards I could move my arm and stand up straight. OK.... time to take a somewhat smaller nibble off this powerful prescription cookie, hoping it wouldn't stop me from falling asleep.

For the next few hours I drifted in and out of sleep going through the same "micro-stretch & relax" with deep breathing. The sacroiliac stuff started to feel much better and the leg buzzing improved. Upper back & neck got a little bit more "unstuck" as I was able to expand whatever it is that hunches up in the pectoral muscles (unfixable by the stretches I did all day long). In the night I woke up several times thinking, aha! I can just stretch my whole spine UP..... and somehow did it complete with satisfying pops and the feeling that rubber bands let go and almost the feeling of when I would put head in traction carefully with the thing that hooks onto the top of a door with a water bag the weight of your head. (Which is a little scary as you feel someone might slam the door and take your head off like pulling a tooth, but it works well).

This morning I was able to go up the hill, sit for an hour and translate, then grocery shop. I stuck to one bag of light weight groceries so I wouldn't have to carry any big weight up the stairs. Lying down now carefully keeping neck muscles relaxed as I type and still able to take deep breaths.

Now going to get on the bus to try and replace the bolt that fell off my scooter before the opera. Since Cole's hardware down the street burned down a couple of weeks ago I will go to Cliff's Variety in the castro. It is weird as I keep mentally pictureing how I know exactly where in Cole's the right size and kind of bolt would be, I am so familiar with their shop. But now that geography is only imaginary and historical.

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Amusing book about cats

Sun, 03 Jul 2016 18:56:37 GMT

Reading an amusing book called The Tribe of Tiger which someone left on my free bookshelf and it keeps crossing the line between journalism and talking to your friend down the street for their opinions on cat behavior, and including many anecdotes of the author's own cats and her son's barn cats. The writing style can get a little pompous (in a way that isn't displeasing)

Yet perhaps the most interesting observation ever made about dog and cat tracks was also made by Sue Morse, and is this: that a dog walking on a soft matrix such as dust, mud, or snow leaves a tiny ridge of the matrix between the toes and the large pad, as if between the tips of the bent fingers and the forward edge of the palm if a similar print were made by a human being. In other words, a dog grasps the earth as he walks, squeezing up some of the matrix if it's soft enough. A cat, in contrast, lays down his foot very smoothly, gently, leaving no mark but the faint dents of his pads and only then if conditions are optimal, such as after a dusting of fresh snow.

Pausing to look up Sue Morse. Cat expert?? or author's friend from down the road?!!!

Behold Sue Morse, naturalist and expert on animal tracking!!

Expect more cat book quotes soon; I'll have to leaf back through the book to find the parts that made me laugh.

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Impulsive opera

Sat, 02 Jul 2016 06:35:42 GMT

Super last minute impulsive decision to go to the opera as irontongue said there were many tickets and it was the last performance of Jenufa and was amazing. I will always listen to her because she is always right!!! I avoided any spoilers but studied the family tree of the characters beforehand. Anyway I needed to be less despondently staring at the wall and feeling hurty. Took half a painkiller and gritted my teeth. I then ended up getting a 3rd ticket suddenly for Moomin and glad I did because he enjoyed its excellence! Though, expensive impulse. Worth it.

From the notes in my lap in tiny notebook, in act 1 (no spoilers, they are just amusing)

* What colors!!! Wheat!!!!! Bitching about labor!
* Yay old Grandma with the cane !
* Laca: I want my half of the mill!" Jenufa: "You are so rude to Grandma!" (repeat)
* That rock coming out the boards is amazing and violent
* She is cuddling a succulent and singing to it
* Do succulents symbolize work now or what
* OMG a song about how reading is great! Dramatic book solo!!!! Moomin elbowing me!
* Twist on the drinking song, v. dark
* Swaggering!! different arrogant swaggers
* Why is she cuddling a boot?

At the end I commented I liked the silent (mostly) wandering of the grandma back and forth and zond7 commented she was like Pong. (True)

Her (stepmom's) pride, and strength, and sureness of herself most of the time, I had to identify, appallingly.

It was AMAZING and I loved it especially the gorgeous, perfectly played music, kostelnicka's pure toned effortless feeling voice, which constantly gave me shivers (I am one of those people who horripilates pleasurably and often, all the way down from scalp to mid-thigh, at things like music, dramatic inevitability, geologic splendor, or videos of factory machinery; also getting into hot baths) and the Xtreme Drama. I also really loved the set design, a LOT. Simple and stark but also lush with colors and wood and the giant rock, and beautiful geometry & lighting. Hello triangles. The snowfall part gave me the shivers (that I constantly had anyway from kostelnicka's singing and the tragic drama lyrics) Must say also the dresses and swaggering-guy outfits were perfection.

Very tired, my left leg back of the thigh cramped all the way from middle of act 2 onwards. I had some port in a thermos. I cannot seem to stretch it. Ankles dead. Muscle relaxants now.... But, I feel so much better emotionally....

Also we were running late as the first cab driver was being rude to me about the scooter (as zond7 and moomin loaded it into the trunk) and then declared he needed to stop by the liquor store. I said I wasn't comfortable riding with him so we got out and then 2nd cab took a while. But the driver was nice and got us there in champion time through heavy traffic leaving us across Van Ness. We then had like 8 minutes to get in, and on the curb realized my scooter was missing a crucial bolt and would not bear weight!!!!! What to do, maybe would have to take new cab home missing expensive freaking opera. But, not admitting defeat kept head and shoved in an allen wrench from my secret tiny tool pouch in the scooter canvas basket, and secured it with the silicone-rubber band of one of the scooter lights plus my barrette, and then made it in to the opera (Leaning heavily to the left so as not to break the wobbly wrench, probably why my leg is cramping) And through the dress circle doors JUST as they closed and the lights went out. I felt a rush of triumphant determination and willpower (kostelnicka-ishly competent, probably a witch) and my anger of the last couple of weeks melted away.

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Building up stamina

Fri, 01 Jul 2016 21:04:36 GMT

I am over the cold, and the jet lag, and it's a sunny day!

I dug out the hole for the giant lavender plant and got it into the ground in the side yard. It was overridden in its big container by something that I think is calendula which I brought in pots from the front yard in RWC. It has survived all this time but not bloomed yet, and it should do much better in the ground where it can send down its deep roots! Plus, stop drowning my container plants it was supposed to share with.

Doing that plus putting in a load of laundry exhausted me pretty well, I' really like to garden more but I got not only bone tired but out of breath doing that much. Hello that was only like 15 minutes of mild physical exertion. Usually I have way more stamina than this. Yesterday, I went out and it is too much to just sit upright in a cafe for a few hours apparently. So, will work on being active in short bursts through the day and over the weekend. I'd like to be in better condition for the trip in a few weeks.

Maybe will rest a bit, work more on bugs, then settle myself outside with a cold drink for another hour of sun out there while it's nice.

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