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Cannot quite work up the oomph to fix my various Wordpress problems.
Yesterday was a nice office day, tho my face still hurt I had a good afternoon there.
The smoke blew away from here over night and now it's foggy and rainy. I can't find my face mask.

I'm on 100mg neurontin at night for the face nerve pain from shingles. Taking it at 7pm isn't quite early enough (i am still groggy and weird feeling now) I'd like to go off it by the end of next week or decrease the dosage. My face really hurts..... and is cold sensitive. I need one of those microwaveable pillows.... my old one got moldy I think. the actual heating pad is huge (the size of my entire back) and rough textured. My eye is twitching.... it feels tired. I guess all the muscles around my painful face are tensing up. The skin is not too bad now but the pain has moved to a deep ache in my jaw like a toothache.

Working in little fits & starts on my new writing project (a novel)

Actual work still looming though right now I have a little bit of a break. (mid cycle, no dot release so far for 56, the lull before a big push to release 57)

Nazi rally in Gainesville is pissing me off. Hundreds of cops mobilized for this bullshit. It just helps militarize the situation even more.

Reading - Squirrel Girl novel, which was beautiful! Last night read The Lucky Stiff by Craig Rice and this morning The Fourth Postman. Hardboiled detective. But also funny! Craig Rice is Georgiana Craig.
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I was thinking last night of fads. In the 70s I had an official "Pet Rock" which I loved. The manual on care and training of Pet Rocks was very amusingly written (at least to my 7 year old mind). Pet Rocks were particularly great at learning to "stay" and "play dead". It came in a little carton full of straw with the manual and I think, a leash.

My dad was a good model for how to gently enjoy human absurdity and I remember him being super entertained by the pet rock and playing along with it super well.
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First super super hot day here. If tomorrow will be like this I need to find the fan in the garage.

I just shaved about a pound of side hair off (it is thick) and have put it in the worm bin. Good compost aeration! And, felt happy I had cleaned and organized the closet weeks ago as I easily found my little box of house dresses.

I'm wearing this amazing reversible soft linen sleeveless dress, with a pocket for my handkerchief, that I got from Flax on skud's recommendation a few years ago (converting me fervently to linen) And my hair has been up in a top of the head ponytail all day (now much more effective with the side hair shaved off.) I think of skud affectionately whenever I wear this amazing dress (maroon on one side and lavender on the other). The pocket handkerchief is daintily printed with violets. I ironed it the other day, as I enjoy doing.

Now you know everything. All my secrets. Dresses, ironing, and the fact that I have that chicken yodeling song stuck in my head.
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So out of the habit of blogging. The back injection was harder to take this time than usual (I think) Thursday is very fuzzy - I barely remember it after I got home. Dossie brought me to the pain clinic and I do remember them giving me an extra dose of whatever it was into the vein, as I was cussing and had trouble staying still for the needle. The clinic is trying a new thing where they play you music on request during a procedure so I asked for Bach. How do you spell it? Nurse very puzzled. Then the one thing I remember other than Dr. Pham telling the resident, You have no idea what is about to happen here and me laughing and then cussing my head off. In the middle of it as I got calm, exclaiming, "Oh, Brandenburg Concerto number 3" and feeling clever to have any brain cells at all.

I can't actually remember getting in the car or getting home at all but I believe Dossie must have got here and then Milo was here as well so.... ?

Not sure if it is worth it. Some times I feel better immediately but this time I have been in an annoying (semi incapacitating) level of pain at the injection sites from Thursday to Saturday. I had to skip a nice board game birthday party and a punk rock history movie. Very quiet weekend alone. Rosa came over for tea and to pick up some things - I haven't seen her in a while. I am somewhat functional but in small bits and without bending over much. The quiet weekend has meant I am more than caught up on tidying up after myself and other people. When that happens I can make inroads on the accumulated disorder. We need to get rid of some books. Also, I think the anesthetic and sedative and steroids together made me feel strange, brainless, aimless, exhausted.

Today has been better. I went up the hill to Pinhole cafe and went through some bits of 3 different notebooks. I tried to copy any worthwhile bits out of the big black moleskine one from December into the 2 new ones, especially working on the Andromeda and Venus poems. I am fairly happy with the first bit, have lots of the 2nd, some of the 3rd but it is not quite coalesced and something to #4. Nothing on 5 (Maybe?) But the structure is more clear to me. I wrote some new snippets and copied over other parts. Found the notes I took in my lap at the actual dance performance that it's about.

Horrors when I was on my way to Dossie's office Tues. evening and realized there was NO NOTEBOOKS WTF. I got a substandard one in the walgreens (nothing else open) So here is my entry from it before I tear out the pages and pass the unsuitable notebook on. (I am too fussy, but I don't like a yucky feeling cover, or a size too small with binding too tight, as I can't think on paper well without wider space)

>>> Lovely jcab driver named Yosief from Eritrea a poet who used to write for the newspapers. We talked about the route and the pleasure of driving around to random places following where someone else wants to go (better than seeing nothing in a 7-11 as he was at first and no one would talk with him) It is other people's choices. We admired Glen Park Canyon as we drove up the street alongside.

His family's place in Eritrea is very beautiful with trees with fruit of all kinds, grapes, plums, and their neighbor had cows so they would trade for milk. The family thought of expanding the house but it would have meant cutting down some of the fruit trees so they had a big family meeting and decided not to. He feels like trees with fruit almost have a soul. You have to respect them. I added you feel connected to the land when you eat something you know comes right from it that you grew and picked.

He described how Trump is just like the dictator in Eritrea , how they fought for independence but then got a dictator for 26 years no better than before. America is supposed to be for disagreeing and discussing anything you want without hate. He has a picture he cut out from the paper of Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner kissing each other on the cheek and shaking hands which he framed and put on the wall as it is the spirit of America that they completely disagree but can at least act friendly. But now maybe things are going bad and we can't think that we are immune from society falling apart. It can happen here, and the rich and greedy are the same everywhere, they only want power and they don't care what happens otherwise. He has to call up his family and tell them everything about politics, and they try to protect him by telling him it will be OK... because they know he's sensitive.

In case you can't tell this was all completely charming and I told him how I am also a poet and translator and about Carmen's book and said we should email and send poems. I went to write down my email and realized NO NOTEBOOK and not a scrap of paper on me. This never happens! How embarrassing just when I claimed to be a writer! He put his email into my phone but then i accidentally thought i lost it when I closed the email app. But! Found it! Now, he wonders if I will help him translate a poem? I may do this (counting on no misunderstanding about a meetup)

My plan was to hang out in pt. reyes town and write and work on poems while D. was at her appointment but no notebook. I can likely buy a decent one there in the bookstore.

Middle section of poem cycle as visual play across page with form? In a cleft or split going vertically for the structural supports. Too much? Or better have it underpin every page or some pages running through the whole thing as the supports should be 100% visible. Rodin's anatomical studies for those guys in the village (aldermen?). So, either that or 3rd section would be ramp/cleft/structure and 4th would be naiads.

Thinking of the free play across the page that I admire. The comical woman crossing the atlantic communist poem, Elvira H. Carta de viaje - more free and far-ranging. That space & far-ranging wide freedom has to underpin the entire Descent cycle. Consider also American Air (together with carta de viaje, atlantic, ibarbourou atlantic poems, in its own little book?)

Note, add Florentino book to ebook list for Burn This Press. Nearly forgot it.

Punchline of this is that a day later I found one of the 3 notebooks at the very bottom of my big backpack. So was able to work after all, with notes.
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To get in and out of the high school yesterday there was a locked door, a locked elevator, then another locked elevator, then a locked door leading to a ramp to a gate with a locked padlock.

There was one security guard from the district to run around doing the unlocking and he was mostly wrong about everything (I don't think he works specifically at that school.)

I wrote to ask how they normally handle access (cc-ing the district accessibility coordinator) And got the answer that during the school day they have someone stationed on each floor by the elevator. (I can't picture that is really true... maybe between classes though.)

And, apparently there was a buzzer and intercom but we missed seeing it. (Or, I missed it anyway)

Steeling myself for it just always being awkward. At least elevator wasn't also the mop closet!
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Watched "Where No Man Has Gone Before" on the wall with the new projector! OMG!


Massively shiny velour shirts!

Cannot remember how my perceptions must have changed from watching this till age 10 on a tiny black and white TV. Maybe saw color stills and just... in my mind my memories of it are in color! But they can't have been.

They carry around little stacks of what look exactly like bright colored 1990s floppy disks. Kirk has some on the bridge on the edge of his command chair, and they have them in sick bay, and everyone has their own stacks in different colors in the conference room. They have sort of built in ipads in the desk.

I adore the giant lithium power packs!

The psychiatrist, Dr. Dehner, is wearing pants. Yay, pants! Hilarious space purse on a big strap. The doctor (not McCoy yet) has both a giant leather space briefcase and a leather tool box on a strap.

The scene where Kelso gets strangled by the giant cable really was familiar. Once the cable started to move I remembered being impressed by that scene when I was fairly small.

It did not seem to occur to Dr. Dehner (even though I kept screaming it to her) that it was up to her and her mighty ESP equipped womb to bear the entire new race of Esper gods! It didn't occur to Kirk either!

Everyone is very into the constant racist aggressions on Spock! I know that only gets worse, too.

Can't wait to rewatch the whole original series... in order.... well rough order anyway.
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Deeply exhausted. Pep talking myself and asking zond7 to tell me reassuring things.
Last week I made the call at work to delay the release and then things got a bit better and caught up, and were looking good. But then Thurs. early afternoon this big old security issue drama unfolded (not really a drama, but oddly hooked into existing drama situation). Other stuff kept popping up in demanding ways. I did feel kind of happy that my friend is now running some things in another department, and I was able to support her reasonbly well and am also just like so glad she is incredibly capable and a good leader for that area. I also said no to many other things/teams who wanted a thing that is impossible.

Yesterday was long and draining. I had to wake up this morning and work a bunch. Then MORE things came up. I wrote a half assed email to deal with the more things, and cced people so that if it is overly half assed, one of them will correct it. (Also, so that the others who are newer can know the sort of thing you should do, even if my email isn't the best example of its kind).

Went to the cafe with Milo and caught pokemons and had a bagel and I finished the 3rd draft of one more poem. Then he went off to catch the bus to his dance class. (Popping..... he is learning a lot)

I tried to work further on the translation and kept realizing I was just staring off into space.

Then as I looked at what was left realized I left out 2 solid pages of a dense prose poem right near the end. It is about Nixon and Elvis, Vietnam and probably also about pinochet somehow. Fuck!!!!! OK. deep breaths!

Grocery shopped and got extra groceries for my friend. I am worried about him.

Exchanged messages with Mars woman who came up to me in the restaurant last night and we agreed to meet some time soon. Maybe I will have a nice local poet friend? I need poets to babble with.

I felt sort of despairing but then came home to lie in the sun in the flowery back patio with zond7 and the cat. I also sat on the side path and did some very minor weeding and watered the plants. All like, 100 times what I was able to do even a week ago!

But my overwhelming feeling is of sadness and failure like, "I should be able to crank at this translation for at least half a day.... if not all day... like 8 hours of work". Despite all evidence to the contrary that I have never, ever done this and have max 3 hours translating/poeting in me at the best of times.

Something about it being 1pm and you realize you have nothing left of energy!

I am resting and enjoying the day! I am nurturing myself and being nice to myself and I get to live in this nice place. Not beating myself up for not finishing the translation project.

I would like to ship the work stuff and have some feeling of relief, and I'd like to not have this book hanging over me. 10 more pages or thereabouts.

I emailed the editor what I have so far (just past the long airplane poem). Oh, god! I hope he doesn't hate it! It all feels kind of clumsy and in my usual M.O. I know it would take me ANOTHER YEAR at this pace to feel happy with it. At least 6 months. I need to look at 1 poem per day and like, meditate on them and let them cook. Also i have so many questions and uncertain bits. Oh, my god.

Super hoping I dont have to get together & ship another build at work (not inherently hard, but hard because it is the weekend and it's a process across several teams). now, on the other hand, I am proud both that I called the delay when I thought we needed it, and that I am capable of hustling (and getting everyone else to hustle, i hope only when necessary.)

I may have it in me to cook some dinner.... Actually that is amazing as a week ago I could not stand up to brush my teeth....

I think I am also having some withdrawal emotions/shakiness from the prednisone (day 2 off of it completely)
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Stuck in bed this weekend, brief outings to back yard. I can't put much weight on my right (bad) leg from sciatica style pain running down from the back. But, different than many other times as the main concentration is in my foot and side/back of the calf rather than stabby in the low back or pelvis. Coping OK after the first day of it.

[personal profile] brainwane was in my dream last night. I had just launched another beta of Firefox (which i am actually in the middle of twice a week in real life, thanks, literal dreams). We were hanging out in her driveway overlooking a canal with little boats in it, talking deeply about things. She had the same scooter as me for some reason. I suddenly realized my beta release had a giant crash caused by a mixed content policy bug I had just uplifted before the build. So in the dream I was going "hang on brainwane I want to hear this story but I just have to email (*specific person who actually exists and works on that project*) about the bug and turn off updates. Typing behaved in the wonky way it does in dreams but I managed to read the bug and send the email!! I think it is hilarious that I dreamed about the feelings of regret of having accepted a patch for uplift without requiring enough testing beforehand in late beta. ok, my brain.... !

Then we went inside to cook dinner together and I folded some loads of her laundry on the couch as we kept talking. It was very cozy and domestic. Can't remember what we were rambling about though.

Pain hits

Aug. 18th, 2016 06:48 pm
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Pain kicking in big time, ankles, knees mostly. I am definitely glad I stayed moving very gently in the pool and didn't get vigorous or go any longer than 30 min.

Anyway pain and I will lie still, do some cbd stuff, and put on ice packs.

I still feel invigorated on some level, and happy.
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I had a quiet morning, digested my one piece of toast reasonably well, and felt more energetic. Washed dishes, was able to bend over and deal with the dishwasher ok, which was exciting. I chatted with someone about riot grrrl stuff and felt inspired. Now kind of crashing out though after trying to eat lunch. 1/4 cup of congree.... An hour ago and it still hurts.

I am ready to try some salad though. Fish and salad, soon! And I want to go out and sit in the sun for a little while.

On the mend

Aug. 5th, 2016 08:07 pm
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Bitching about health. You are warned!

Sick all week with weird stomach ailment that seems to just be about everything hurting and being inflamed. Same thing as other times. Starts with vague bloated feeling, becomes bad pain in lower right with strong memories of what ectopic pregnancy feels like (making me worry about appendicitis) Super strong nausea and no appetite. At worst I am not feeling able to really breathe right. sorry this truly sounds weird. That only lasted about a day though.

Then it all sort of shifts a few days into it and I get reflux when I drink or try to eat. I can only drink half a cup at a time and have to stay sitting upright, which is hard because I'm also exhausted. Food since Sunday noon, most of it yesterday and today: Scattered handfuls of blueberries. Half a cup of chicken noodle soup. Two pieces of toast with a scrape of jam. About a cup and a half of congee with shredded chicken and 2 packets of seaweed snacks. The congee really keeps me going I think.

After I eat anything it hurts. I guess this is the "plain old gastritis" phase where the rest of me is ok but my stomach is inflamed. Walking or doing anything that jolts me (such as riding my scooter or in theory, going in a car) hurts very much. It's like a painful brick where my stomach used to be.

I haven't been working or leaving the house. I tried today, going 2 blocks to cafe st. jorge, but had to drive my scooter very slowly, and by the time I got there was ready to go home. Left Moomin there with lunch and came slowly back. Dizzy and ready to just stay still in bed some more.

It helps a lot once I eat or drink (in tiny amounts), not to move (or move very slowly) for an hour or so.

It helps to meditate and breathe deeply and relax my ... i don't know what it is.. maybe my diaphragm. Anyway whatever that is it helps with the pain a lot.

I doze off asleep often, which is not usual for me. Napping helps a lot. Even trying to nap helps.

Nights were bad but have gotten much better. I am mostly sleeping through the night now with a 4-5am hour of sitting up on the couch with a book and kleenex and allergy medicine.

Today I had more energy and did some very minor house chores. I cleared off the counter to the sink and trash (something that requires no steps - small kitchen) and wiped it clean nicely. Satisfying! And I folded a load of laundry. I have been able to keep my bedside area of the room (really the only area of the room... it's very small room!) tidy.

It has gotten better many times and I trust it will again!

It always seems to me like "other people" have some problem similar and they are not felled for a week or weeks.... Maybe they are, but I never hear about it.

D. stayed home the first half of the week, which made everything a lot easier for me. Many times I get sick and no one does the domestic work (not casting any aspersions... just, that's how it is) I tend to get a bit stressed at things being This time D. did all the things I would normally do shopping, laundry, trash, cat box, just whatever Moomin did a lot of laundry, made himself frozen dinners and omelets, dealt with the trash bins and swept the front sidewalk nicely at my request. He shopped for his own dinner and cooked it tonight.

Still, a hard week and I can tell i'm not going to be instantly back in action by Monday even if I will be back at work. "My" firefox version is in beta now, which is a stressful 6 week phase of the job and the rest of my team has had to cover me this week (and the 2 weeks before while I was on vacation). I may not be fully able to do stuff by Monday but I want to try. Partly because the more control I have during that final 6 weeks, the better (and easier) as I have to hold a lot of information in my head and track a lot of things. I will need to run some meetings which is the part I feel least up to and I also really don't want to deal with any sudden conflicts. What I may be able to do is draw a hard stop each day, and also declare that anything that doesn't make my deadlines is just too bad. (For any situations where I can't or shouldn't say no, I could try to arrange to have extra backup.) We will see.

Also looming I have a back injection (steroids in sacroiliac) next Wednesday. The thought of the usual mild systemic boost I get from that makes me wonder if it woudl help my general inflammation. Though actually eating prednisone is probably the opposite of what one should do since it would trash your stomach.... I don't know. I would also miss that day of work. I could postpone it another month or two.

Meanwhile, while sick in bed, I have been playing one of the Glitch re-makes, Children of Ur. And then I started writing its newspaper.
That's how I can really tell I'm doing a bit better!
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Yesterday I had a very hard day as something had set off persistent spasms in my left leg and back. It started at the opera when the back of my left thigh cramped, then my upper butt/low back area, then up around my neck and by the next day both sides of my sacroiliac were in a bad state, both legs and arms/hands buzzing and tingling. Entire back just felt wrong as hell. A muscle relaxant did nothing. I did lots of little garden tasks being careful not to overstrain muscles on the theory that small bursts of activity and moving around would help. In between, laid in bed reading things, stretching gently, and feeling weepy.

In desperation around 10pm I remembered the time that I had a bite of cannabis cookie and then for 3 or 4 hours was unable to do anything else but lie flat on my back making small micro-relaxations and stretches fully experiencing the heinousness that is my spine, but afterwards I could move my arm and stand up straight. OK.... time to take a somewhat smaller nibble off this powerful prescription cookie, hoping it wouldn't stop me from falling asleep.

For the next few hours I drifted in and out of sleep going through the same "micro-stretch & relax" with deep breathing. The sacroiliac stuff started to feel much better and the leg buzzing improved. Upper back & neck got a little bit more "unstuck" as I was able to expand whatever it is that hunches up in the pectoral muscles (unfixable by the stretches I did all day long). In the night I woke up several times thinking, aha! I can just stretch my whole spine UP..... and somehow did it complete with satisfying pops and the feeling that rubber bands let go and almost the feeling of when I would put head in traction carefully with the thing that hooks onto the top of a door with a water bag the weight of your head. (Which is a little scary as you feel someone might slam the door and take your head off like pulling a tooth, but it works well).

This morning I was able to go up the hill, sit for an hour and translate, then grocery shop. I stuck to one bag of light weight groceries so I wouldn't have to carry any big weight up the stairs. Lying down now carefully keeping neck muscles relaxed as I type and still able to take deep breaths.

Now going to get on the bus to try and replace the bolt that fell off my scooter before the opera. Since Cole's hardware down the street burned down a couple of weeks ago I will go to Cliff's Variety in the castro. It is weird as I keep mentally pictureing how I know exactly where in Cole's the right size and kind of bolt would be, I am so familiar with their shop. But now that geography is only imaginary and historical.
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Reading an amusing book called The Tribe of Tiger which someone left on my free bookshelf and it keeps crossing the line between journalism and talking to your friend down the street for their opinions on cat behavior, and including many anecdotes of the author's own cats and her son's barn cats. The writing style can get a little pompous (in a way that isn't displeasing)

Yet perhaps the most interesting observation ever made about dog and cat tracks was also made by Sue Morse, and is this: that a dog walking on a soft matrix such as dust, mud, or snow leaves a tiny ridge of the matrix between the toes and the large pad, as if between the tips of the bent fingers and the forward edge of the palm if a similar print were made by a human being. In other words, a dog grasps the earth as he walks, squeezing up some of the matrix if it's soft enough. A cat, in contrast, lays down his foot very smoothly, gently, leaving no mark but the faint dents of his pads and only then if conditions are optimal, such as after a dusting of fresh snow.

Pausing to look up Sue Morse. Cat expert?? or author's friend from down the road?!!!

Behold Sue Morse, naturalist and expert on animal tracking!!

Expect more cat book quotes soon; I'll have to leaf back through the book to find the parts that made me laugh.
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Super last minute impulsive decision to go to the opera as irontongue said there were many tickets and it was the last performance of Jenufa and was amazing. I will always listen to her because she is always right!!! I avoided any spoilers but studied the family tree of the characters beforehand. Anyway I needed to be less despondently staring at the wall and feeling hurty. Took half a painkiller and gritted my teeth. I then ended up getting a 3rd ticket suddenly for Moomin and glad I did because he enjoyed its excellence! Though, expensive impulse. Worth it.

From the notes in my lap in tiny notebook, in act 1 (no spoilers, they are just amusing)

* What colors!!! Wheat!!!!! Bitching about labor!
* Yay old Grandma with the cane !
* Laca: I want my half of the mill!" Jenufa: "You are so rude to Grandma!" (repeat)
* That rock coming out the boards is amazing and violent
* She is cuddling a succulent and singing to it
* Do succulents symbolize work now or what
* OMG a song about how reading is great! Dramatic book solo!!!! Moomin elbowing me!
* Twist on the drinking song, v. dark
* Swaggering!! different arrogant swaggers
* Why is she cuddling a boot?

At the end I commented I liked the silent (mostly) wandering of the grandma back and forth and zond7 commented she was like Pong. (True)

Her (stepmom's) pride, and strength, and sureness of herself most of the time, I had to identify, appallingly.

It was AMAZING and I loved it especially the gorgeous, perfectly played music, kostelnicka's pure toned effortless feeling voice, which constantly gave me shivers (I am one of those people who horripilates pleasurably and often, all the way down from scalp to mid-thigh, at things like music, dramatic inevitability, geologic splendor, or videos of factory machinery; also getting into hot baths) and the Xtreme Drama. I also really loved the set design, a LOT. Simple and stark but also lush with colors and wood and the giant rock, and beautiful geometry & lighting. Hello triangles. The snowfall part gave me the shivers (that I constantly had anyway from kostelnicka's singing and the tragic drama lyrics) Must say also the dresses and swaggering-guy outfits were perfection.

Very tired, my left leg back of the thigh cramped all the way from middle of act 2 onwards. I had some port in a thermos. I cannot seem to stretch it. Ankles dead. Muscle relaxants now.... But, I feel so much better emotionally....

Also we were running late as the first cab driver was being rude to me about the scooter (as zond7 and moomin loaded it into the trunk) and then declared he needed to stop by the liquor store. I said I wasn't comfortable riding with him so we got out and then 2nd cab took a while. But the driver was nice and got us there in champion time through heavy traffic leaving us across Van Ness. We then had like 8 minutes to get in, and on the curb realized my scooter was missing a crucial bolt and would not bear weight!!!!! What to do, maybe would have to take new cab home missing expensive freaking opera. But, not admitting defeat kept head and shoved in an allen wrench from my secret tiny tool pouch in the scooter canvas basket, and secured it with the silicone-rubber band of one of the scooter lights plus my barrette, and then made it in to the opera (Leaning heavily to the left so as not to break the wobbly wrench, probably why my leg is cramping) And through the dress circle doors JUST as they closed and the lights went out. I felt a rush of triumphant determination and willpower (kostelnicka-ishly competent, probably a witch) and my anger of the last couple of weeks melted away.
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I am over the cold, and the jet lag, and it's a sunny day!

I dug out the hole for the giant lavender plant and got it into the ground in the side yard. It was overridden in its big container by something that I think is calendula which I brought in pots from the front yard in RWC. It has survived all this time but not bloomed yet, and it should do much better in the ground where it can send down its deep roots! Plus, stop drowning my container plants it was supposed to share with.

Doing that plus putting in a load of laundry exhausted me pretty well, I' really like to garden more but I got not only bone tired but out of breath doing that much. Hello that was only like 15 minutes of mild physical exertion. Usually I have way more stamina than this. Yesterday, I went out and it is too much to just sit upright in a cafe for a few hours apparently. So, will work on being active in short bursts through the day and over the weekend. I'd like to be in better condition for the trip in a few weeks.

Maybe will rest a bit, work more on bugs, then settle myself outside with a cold drink for another hour of sun out there while it's nice.
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Birthday party was yesterday! Really a nice day. To the aquatic park with Moomin & then to my sister's. Zond7 meet us there and we all went to dinner. We blew up some portals, had delicious hamburgers, cake & presents.

On the down side I was very tired and then started wheezing from the cake (nuts in the crust probably like almond flour or something) and had to jab myself with an epipen and have the shakes till 1am.

Today worked pretty much as usual, slacking off after lunch, did some errands with Moomin (bought him some shoes) and got myself a mildly nice leather wallet. I saw black versions of my purple boots that I wear every day and wanted them (sale) but they didn't have my size.

Too tired to post more! I did my enthusing on FB which is kind of sad --- ignoring my real blogs.... I should export everything from FB and slam it into here. eek.
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Today I worked from about 7:30am to noon-thirty and hit the "build" button for beta 9, then went out for the afternoon with Moomin.

My dad left for the airport in the 15 minutes I had in between early morning meetings. He is a soothing visitor but sometimes his detachment spooks me. It is genuine on one level but on another seems a thin veneer over an inability to cope with life. I respect it as a philosophical choice. He has perspective. I felt specially proud of Moomin like i wanted to present him with my nice child who he could perfectly appreciate. We had funny moments like all spinning off wildly into the etymology of having "stoke". He is also a relief to be around in this way where explaining something meticulous and complicated to him seems very easy because he likes the details and remembers them oddly well, while leaping quickly to a big picture, a person capable of fast synthesis.

Me & Moomin's afternoon out - we took the J to the ferry building, had lunch, then walked up the embarcardero to the Exploratorium, detouring a lot for the free public access routes that had historical plaques. We read many but not all of them and once again I appreciated his love of reading all the signs and studying complicated charts and maps. In the Exploratorium at one point I had to drag him away from this one ecological balance game sort of thing with grain, mice, and eagles as he had started running through every combination. We also spent a lot of time both staring at and fiddling with things like sand tables with wind erosion and this thing called the Drip Chamber for its complexity and beauty. really nice time together. I wish I had more stamina. But, we bought a membership and vowed to go back. It is the first time I'd been to it in the new location! (going there has seemed very daunting and like a major expedition most days, so I don't) There were good places to chill out and rest. Rocking chairs and big benches in quiet corners, and places to go outside to get away from the noise. So I feel braver to go back there now.

I like how Moomin is mostly in a sort of fog of his own creation but when he notices things he really gets into them. OH also he finished Orphan's Tales and loved it greatly. I printed out my plot summary and nested stories outline (thanks internet archive!)

On the way back we had ice cream, looked at the booths of people selling things (which I had built up how great the paintings of the gg bridge with cats, were) and as we finally got to that table, he said loudly without thinking, "But the thing is, these paintings aren't really that good". I don't think the painting lady heard it as she was over at another booth but the person she was sitting with heard it. The thing is I would have laid 10 bucks on the bet he woudl say exactly that so I was kind of waiting for it. Heheheh, sorry.... It was funny...... Then there was a booth that was a ZINE STORE. Yes. Best thing ever. with a tiny zine dispensing machine that took quarters. WOW. We ran into my friend Ian in the subway station which also made me happy! Then we played ingress all the way home (interludes in the tunnel part for Threes and Hoplite).

I told Moomin some of the story of how this guy I vaguely knew had maybe died a couple years ago and his sister contacted me and how I felt like a heel but had to check to make sure a) he really had a sister b) he was really dead and it wasn't just him pretending to be his own sister and pretending to be dead c) what had actually happened because I had no idea at this point, but luckily could reconstruct it from email. He had asked if I could sell his domain name (as he was rapidly dying of cancer) and give the money to his pregnant friend in another state, or, if no one would buy it, give it to some woman who loves tech who is "like me or Isis a woman who has fire, and loves tech" (how flattering, kind of, though me and Isis A. L. are nothing alike, I don't think). (Also, "I liked your fire" is so funny, though I often think something like that of other people and am fond of them secretly). ("We met on the train to MakerFaire in 2012" didn't narrow it down for me) Then I didn't hear anything else and I don't think I followed up, though I have a half memory that I did hear somehow that he had died. (Keep in mind I barely knew who he was; a mutual acquaintance also a do-gooding sort of person and the other older woman at NB who had her shit together had called me in to possibly help get hospice or some sort of food or help to this guy my age who was dying alone of late stage cancer in an SRO, but it turned out he didn't want that)

Anyway after my couple of hours of guilty "investigation" (it took that long as neither of them had much internet presence): yes he did exist under that name, did have an obvious twin sister, I could not confirm his death but it may just be that the last few years are not yet all in the social security death index) His family seems to have been a bit turbulent. Anyway, the sister then wrote me back. sister a bit sappy (I am not an "angel"). But I imagined she might like to have some kind words about her brother. Oh I left out the key bit which is that his last communication with the world before dying (which his sister described as suicide) was to thank me on Twitter. That's why his sister wrote me :( So I feel like a heel for never having done anything like what he wished I would or was thanking me for. I could say he thanked me for considering what he wanted seriously and for apologizing and backing off when he didn't want any "help" while dying. He didn't contact me to give me the details of his domain info probably because he was sick or dead. I guess. Well, my other excuse to myself or (imaginarily) to dead guy or his pregnant friend is that I have certainly done plenty to help other women in the meantime whether they "like technology" or not so I hope that suffices. I have the friend's snail mail address from 3 years ago but she has changed her name in the meantime and it is a common name. I think sending a notecard to a strange lady who possibly has a toddler and a husband, or an ex husband, or a new husband explaining this story would not necessarily go well; I imagine her jealous husband being pissed off about the dead guy. The only thing i know about her is he wanted her to have more money for the baby and her husband was in the Navy and overseas. Hrmmmm. Did I mention, I *didn't know this guy* really... just in passing and I would not have recognized him (white guy, thin, dark hair, a bit ferrety? linux? that's like, the description of 50 lookalike dudes at that space). He also liked the idea of gender equality, social justice, and linux. RIP linux guy with the sweet sister.

Got home, had leftovers for dinner, laid in bed with the cat. Realized my "start the build" button hadn't worked? what. very sad. entire afternoon's legitimate hooky playing a little bit ruined. I hope i didn't mess things up for everyone. I was so happy that i finished a thing early for once. how did i do this?! how!

then talked on the phone (scheduled) with this guy named Z. about accessibility things and maybe opened my mouth too far. he was shocked i am old enough to have teenage son. I didn't tell him my age. i shot my mouth off about the upcoming conference. but, i will pass on his new company info to people. he may have gotten the idea I am a dangerous loose cannon. accurate.

Somehow looking something up about my first miscarriage tonight (why??? something I saw on facebook?) I read through some bits of old blog and thought I was a more entertaining and honest writer then.
badgerbag: (Default)
I went to the mysterious store I have passed many times that has a motorcycle in the window and that I assumed was one of those sketchy skater "gear" shops. From my looking up True Facts about "vintage denim" etc. I realized it is a famous (??) jeans store where you get miracle fake work pants that are like leg magic once you break them in, which you do by wearing them for like 3 months without washing them. Soooo anyway I went into the shop which was a strange analogue of a skater tshirt shop and just as uncomfortable! There were velvet covered chairs and a desk for you to consult about your denim needs and a tiny dressing room and very neatly arranged jeans on iron spike tipped hangers (I am not making this part up, they were like as heavy as picking up a fireplace poker. But sharper)

The guy in the store picked out some of the not highest end jeans for me in 2 different sizes, and different weights (in ounces that seem to measure thickness of the fabric, like with reams of paper) and I absolutely did not fit in there. He didn't believe me but my thighs didnt allow those damn jeans to even get all the way up. 2 sizes up later (32s) he was like, come on out of there. I said, well, I really can't get them without lying down on the floor and sucking in my stomach but on the other hand I do have woolly long underwear on. He said it is just that they start out kind of stiff but they "give" as you wear them. Especially around the waist and the shrinking happens more lengthwise. Hrmmm.

Hilarity ensued as he tried to fasten the pants for me. I felt he was feeling some queer solidarity and was willing to wrestle me into the damn pants. Then he was like, Let me just get around behind you. Now you may imagine that would be a Hell No situation but actually it was more just funny. So if you picture this very neatly put together young man who was young enough to be my child, squashing my stomach into the jeans, from behind, and buttoning them. I felt like we were in the locker room in 1982 with some scary jordaches. Except also a reacharound.

The Iron Heart jeans actually looked quite nice on me as I was standing up. I liked the fit so he was correct, kind of. But they were super constrictive when I was sitting down. I couldn't imagine "breaking them in"!!! LIke I'd try it for 50 bucks but could really not spend $250 on jeans that hurt. LOL why!

I wanted to leave and go eat lunch at that point. If he had got me some 34 waist jeans I might have even bought them....

Entire thing very amusing. I had some quiche and went into another ridiculous shop, this one the sort that has strange presents, and bought a unicorn horn, a little bag, and flat survival tool thing for Milo to put in his wallet. The woman ringing me up said, "I'm zipping your survival tool into the battling narwhals bag. I truly never thought I would say those words together." My life is weird. The unicorn horn is glittery, and sort of like a stuffed animal style object, and on a black elastic that is nicely corded elastic so very comfortable to wear and it looks hilarious on me. I may add velcro to the bottom and a velcro spot on my scooter so my scooter can be a unicorn but the battling narwhals woman was of the opinion the horn would be more amazing on me.

The only sad part of this story is that if I had gone to these places in a different order, I could have had the $250 raw denim jeans reacharound buttonup WHILE WEARING A UNICORN HORN.

You're welcome!
badgerbag: (Default)
I plowed all the way through "Animita Hippie" driving myself to a very transcendent state of mind sort of channeling another person's experience and doing some immersive reading in tangential directions and I also might be having my usual PMS cry, a day late. Thinking of all the stories and experiences and lives and talents of many people I know or have known and appreciating them!

we went to my sister's as she has a badly sprained ankle. She got up and went down the stairs and drove around with me a while which was her first time out of the house since the injury. We brought over my walker and shower chair for her. she is wildly plotting how to manage her life and do everything. i watched her bump down, then crawl up, the stairs. she only sprained it what, thursday? it is huge rather like the illustration from the little prince of the snake that swallowed an elephant/hat. But with an elephant inside a formerly snake shaped foot and ankle.
badgerbag: (Default)
It's been a couple or three years since I got the nerve up to go to the dentist. Last time the office was ratty and difficult to navigate and though I tried to go to the most lesbianly possible dentists office I got a dude with giant hands cleaning my teeth and who kind of slurp-wheezed when he talked and also who was trying to be "jolly" all of which was like a recipe to freak me out. So I didn't go back.

This time I scoured the women dentists of yelp, who can also do root canals in case I need one, who I can get to easily on the bus and/or who have "high tech" machinery like a digital xray capability (because that just seems so sensible and you end up with a useful file.)

The office has a tiny lift behind the receptionist's chair. Lift full of boxes and fans and junk and, yeah. And she had to move out of the way to let me in it, and it has no button inside it so there was a lot of embarrassing fuss. Not good... I nearly left at that point. Then the xray machine was in a sort of alcove RIGHT THERE opening into the top of the steps (still visible from the lobby and basically.... part of the lobby) So no privacy for the moment when I burst into tears at the xray thing in my mouth (Because I can never help it. However, I did not actually barf, so, success?)

Then there was another xray machine where you have to stand up and it rotates around your head.

The actual dentist was nice. I have two cavities forming under cracked fillings. 20 year old fillings, at least that old. Not so bad! They will give me valium and laughing gas for the fillings thank god. I hope not in the middle of the lobby.

I felt so emotionally rattled I came home, cried secretly, had a shot of rum, and then made cookies with A. (after making us dinner).

October 2017

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